A
female
age
41-50,
*anadianCutie
writes:My boyfriend and I live together and have what others consider a perfect relationship. This is going to be a bit long winded, but I feel I need to start at the beginning so that it is all properly understood.When I first moved in, I quickly realized that he was looking at pornography everyday and felt he had some sort of sexual addiction which I called him on. It took about six months for him to finally admit that maybe his porn abuse was affecting our relationship and he gave it up. I thought things would change, but I was wrong and he continued to be just as distant as always. I pretty much got angry one day, put all the porn back on the computer; figuring I was wrong and feeling bad for taking it away.Once back on the computer, his habits went back to what they were. He actually bothered me for 15 minutes one day to go grocery shopping so he could masturbate to one of his stored videos and started looking at porn every night when I went to bed or when I went out.The problem is not the porn or the masturbation but rather the fact that he chooses that over me. He will not initiate any form of intimacy and we can basically go months without having sex, all while he is masturbating regularly to GGW videos and online images of naked girls. We have had numerous arguments about his lack of affection and sexual desire towards me and still nothing changes. This is really hard on me, because after years of simply accepting this behavior I have become bitter and mean and tend to lash out on him out of frustration. I feel unattractive and lonely and don't know how to deal with this anymore. I love him to death, but I don't think it is fair that I should be forced to live in a sexless relationship. The worse thing is I am now obsessed with his masturbation and will actually follow him into the bathroom when he showers and track his online activity. I actually caught him in the shower a few weeks back and we ended up having a horrible argument were he basically said that all guys jack off and this is normal.What am I suppose to do?? I think that there is something wrong and that he is clearly not attracted to me.HELP!
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (2 April 2008):
 If you are not satisfied with the sex problem,
then you need to express to him and tell him directly what
you want or expect from him.He cannot read your mind.
You should not bring up the subject of his porn viewing.
You allow him to decide this for himself.
If after talking to him and there is no change from him ,
you can either accept his behaviour or you leave.
In a marriage or a relationship, you sometimes close one
eye,for no one is perfect.
If you want to stay in that relationship,
then get used to it or don't see no evil .
Men and women don't think alike.
What you are thinking is not the same as he thinks.
Do consider the men's perspective and not your woman's perspective only.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (1 April 2008):
 Ooops! I forgot. You said you're to blame for this. What can you blame yourself for, dear? You need to stand your ground.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (1 April 2008):
KanadianCutie,You have been misinformed: that behavior isn't normal and you're not paranoid nor sneaky. The fact that porn is such a huge business tells us that many people, men and women, look at it. But that doesn't mean that masturbating to a screen is a normal thing. I'm old fashioned, maybe, but I think that sex with a flesh-and-blood woman is the NATURAL thing.The anonymous female poster pointed out to something very important, I guess: she was punished when she had her man stop the porn. I think the man you live with (he's not your "boyfriend", I guess, as that tends to imply that you have sex together) also play hard to please when he couldn't look at the porn.This is not a perfect relationship, dear. It is a very bad one. A woman whose husband is cheating on her would be in a somewhat better situation, because at least the man would be sleeping with a real woman. Here you are being brushed off because of a number of pixels.Only you know what you will do, and what your priorities are. However, I think that, if I were you, I would see no solution and I would leave. Let the girls in the DVD listen to him.
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A
female
reader, KanadianCutie +, writes (1 April 2008):
KanadianCutie is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you to everyone who has replied, you have all given really great advice and I appreciate the personal experiences that have been shared. It's nice to know you are not alone in such an odd and embarrassing situation.
Things have gone from bad to worse and an attempt at discussing the situation has failed miserably. I am apparently to blame for this and have been informed that this behavior is normal and that I am being paranoid and sneaky.
I'm not sure what my next step will be in this situation.
Thank you again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2008): My husband looks at porn. When I ask him to stop then he stops having sex with me, because he feels like he is punished because he can't look at his porn. He also looks at it as soon as I leave, as soon as I am out of the house feeding the animals or cooking in the kitchen. I have stopped dressing around him and also I have learned not to take showers when he is home, because he looks at porn then. I am a recovering sex addict, and loved to look at porn. But now it just brings back pain and hurt feelings when he does. He gets to a point and wants sex, about every 3 days, and if I know he looks at porn I don't feel like having sex at all. We went about 3 months without having sex, but I know he looks at porn about every 3 days and masturbates. It ruins our sex life, if he only knew all the good sex he could have, but I think he prefers the younger good looking women, even if their on the computer to someone over 50. I would say, there is probably someone out there that will treat you better and be more loving. Don't waste your time with your boyfriend. You deserve to be happy and have someone that respects you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2008): My boyfriend (16 Im 15) he used to wacth porn but not all the time and then I suggested that I send him pictures of me instead of some other girl. So I did and he loved them. Maybe thats what you should . Make porn of yourself or take sexy pictures and give them to him . Then ask him to do it with you. IF that doesn't wook then calmly tell him what you want and if he doesn't understand or listen to you maybe your better off with someone else ....?
I hope this helped in some way .....
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (20 March 2008):
KanadianCutie, I agree with Tisha-1. But I will go much further: only you can decide what you will do, but, if I were you, I would certainly leave. In all my life, I had never heard about anyone so addicted, and so uncaring about a partner. I don't think he is going to change, at least not in the near future.
I respect Dr. John's opinion, but, in a way, I'm with LazyGuy. Maybe porn can be an addiction, but I'm not sure whether it can be so serious as to take someone this far. I apologize if I'm underestimating the problem. I just think that this man (NOT THE POSTER) has other problems and he hides behind the porn.
Kanadian Cutie, I would leave if I were you.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (20 March 2008):
 This must be terribly frustrating and heartbreaking for you to be going through, and I think you have every reason to be upset with him.
There have been some good suggestions as to what you can do by previous posters and so I'm just going to think about your options.
First, you stay in the relationship and things go on as they have been, with you always initiating any sex between you and he continuing with the porn/masturbation without you. This means you would need to tolerate it, and I think also that any further arguments won't change the situation, so you must just swallow your anger.
Second, you stay in the relationship on your terms, but that will only work if he is willing to admit that his behavior is causing you severe pain and that he is willing to cut way back on his viewing of porn. I don't think that it is realistic to expect him to stop masturbating. I think most guys do masturbate and it really doesn't have anything to do with the women in their life. But most guys also would probably prefer to have sex with a real live, breathing, willing woman with breasts they can touch and all sorts of other fun things to explore, not to mention be touched themselves, than sitting in front of a computer screen staring at a flat lighted image. I'm not a man, so I'm just guessing, but I don't think I'm too far out on that limb!
The thing about option number two is that it will require your boyfriend to change his behavior and maybe look at some of the reasons why he prefers cyber images to you, a real woman. I do not have any idea what is going on in his head or what could be driving the preference for porn for sexual release rather than sex with you. But again, it means that he has to be willing to work on it with you and for you.
Getting him to face the fact that he is losing you, which it certainly sounds like to me, moves to option number three. Make plans to move out if feasible, tell him that the situation for you is no longer working and you need some space from him so that you can explore your options.
You need to start taking care of your own needs, as he clearly is not doing that, and stop obsessing about his every move. It is only making you more upset and is muddling your thinking. You should be planning and acting, not snooping and reacting.
Move forward and start being proactive. Go out with friends and leave him to his own thing, as he seems to prefer it. Withdraw from the relationship a little so that you can breathe and focus on your own strengths and building them up.
I hope you find some help from all of us posters and that you do what is best for you.
All the best.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 March 2008):
Just a thought here, the thread seems to have gotten sidetracked into a discussion of whether or not there is such a thing as a porn addiction. What we're forgetting here is there is a poster who has a serious relationship issue and could use some advice in handling it.
I have to think about my answer for a bit so I'll post back later. Let's keep our eye on the ball.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (20 March 2008):
 Well I did research it, a lot and what I found was find that everyone who claimed it was an adiction was also selling a cure.
This INSTANTLY sets up a red flag, the independent scientist are ALL still undecided on the issue (porn/internet) addiction but all the ones who just happen to have a cure they SELL regonize the problem.
Until independent peer-reviewed publications by scientists not selling anything regonize it, I will remain skeptical.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2008): for the guy who said there is no such thing a porn addiction because there are no withdrawels, you are wrong. men who are addicted to porn use it as an escape mechanism and mood altering substance and there are real symptoms of withdrawel if we don't have access or stop using it abruptly. we get a general malaise, flu like aches, and anxiety with a overwhelmingly strong urge to get our 'fix' It would be prudent that you do some research on the subject manner before you give your expert opinion, however alot of the advice you gave was good and well founded in truth.
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A
female
reader, michellesays  +, writes (20 March 2008):
what is he masterbating to then prehapes you should try to become more involved in his activities and ask him what it is that turns him on so much about this pornographic material prehapes if your willing you can re-inact some of it for him you may even like it yourself and get the sexual attention that you looking for.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy +, writes (20 March 2008):
First things first, yes he has a problem but be wary of those saying porn is bad. One of DrPhil links leads to Jehova witnesses. A religion that will refuse blood transfusion even if it means death. Are these the people you want to take advice from? People who will let a child die rather then use a harmless medical procedure (people can donate blood with no ill-effects to themselves routinely).
Porn and masturbation often become tangled in religious views which cloud the real problems that can be caused.
The word addiction is far too easily used. In substance addiction what happens is that you first take it to feel better, but as your body adjust you simply need more and more just to feel normal and will fill bad without.
If you ever seen somebody go through drug withdrawel it will become bloody obvious porn or internet addiction just doesn't fall in the same class.
He probably has several issues that make him choose porn and masturbation over a real woman. What these are I can't tell, he may well need proffesional counceling but based on science, not religous dogma.
Remember, that is you say he has a porn addiction then you have given him a perfect excuse to not just cut it out.
What if he feels sexually in-adequate around you, porn and masturbating is a LOT easier, the erection doesn't need to be full or kept up for long, that is if he even ejaculates.
That is why either you or a proffesional really need to get him to talk WHY this is happening. If you are unwilling to get outside help try this.
As non-confronting as you can be, leaving your feelings aside for the moment ask him why he doesn't want to be intimate with women. Perhaps even suggest that instead of him masturbating you will do it for him, anything, even if you find it hurtful, to find out what is causing him to reject you for intimacy.
I am inclined to think the porn in this case is a symptom not the 'disease' itself.
What makes him choose an image over reality? Only he knows.
Don't be judgemental, but be clear, if he is unwilling to work this out and seek help, then the relationship is over. You got needs and they matter just as much as his. It is perfectly normal to desire intimacy of all degrees on a regular basis and if he can't give it then need to get out at least until he can work out whatever the problem is.
Maybe that will shock him out of it, because right now the biggest problem might be that he simply puts off confronting his problem because, well there is still time. Sometimes people need a shock to get them to sort themselves out.
If you do leave him, do not come crawling back just because he promised to improve. Real clear action on his part to confront whatever the issue is, and no I don't think porn addiction exists (no medical science so far supports this) but he sure as hell has somekind of issue and it needs fixing.
If he get professional help, first consult with them to see what your role can be.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (20 March 2008):
You can either accept this way of life or you leave.
If you have tried all the ways and he still does not change,
then there is nothing that can be done about him except to find another partner.
Give yourself a time period.
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A
male
reader, Dr. John +, writes (20 March 2008):
 The first thing you need to realize is that porn addiction is exactly that, an addiction. It can have just as strong a pull on someone as drugs, alcohol or smoking.
It can and often is a very difficult thing to break away from.
However, there are some articles that I always recommend that people in your situation read.
The first link gives some eye opening statistics.
The second link has a series of articles which are very valuable to those with this kind of problem and I am sure you will be able to relate to them.
Just one quote from the first article to give you an idea of the format of the articles is as follows;
"Despite what its defenders say, pornography has profoundly negative effects on people's views of sex and sexual behavior. Researchers at the National Foundation for Family Research and Education concluded that "exposure to pornography puts viewers at increased risk for developing sexually deviant tendencies."
I am sure the articles will help. Doc
http://www.filterguide.com/harmful.htm
http://www.watchtower.org/e/20030722/article_03.htm
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2008): You know he has a problem, the part you have to accept is that YOU can't solve it for him. Following him around like he's a child won't get him to stop, it might deter him while you're around but it won't make him deal with the root of the problem. You need to remove yourself from he situation and encourage him to get professional help. He's avoiding intimacy for some reason that has nothing to do with you. The reason you need to remove yourself from the situation is so you do not become co-dependent. It doesn't mean you can't encourage him to get help, what it does allow you to do is move on if he cannot muster the courage to do so. It won't get better on its own or by you babysitting him. He has to understand the consequences of not dealing with it, and you have to understand that you can't control it.
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A
male
reader, Transcowboy +, writes (20 March 2008):
 I don't understand why you stayed with him for so long. For him to treat you like that is insane and not right. Yes, us men masterbate. But we also like having sex. If he is not even intersted in the real thing, i think you should leave him and find a man who wants the real thing and not some online fanstey.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2008): please go to npsupport.net a.s.a.p. you won't feel so alone and the women there won't tell you this is normal guy behavior...IT'S NOT Your guy has a sexual addiction allright and he is not going to be able to stop it without help, he may be able to 'whiteknuckle' it for a period of time, but true recovery requires help in relearning faulty thinking patterns, you may have no choice but to leave him and don't look back....anyway, visit the board and you will find the information you need to explain what is going on with your boyfriend, the truth will set you free
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