A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been seeing an older guy for almost a year. I've been living far away from home for most of it, but I go home to visit on the holidays. Also, I'll be returning home for good in a few months. Everything seemed to be going fine until I was snooping on a dating website. I know it's wrong but I had a gut feeling about this. Sadly, I found him. It had been activated for almost five weeks. He states that he's looking for women in a certain age group in which I don't fit. I'm devastated and heartbroken. I was home just a couple of months ago and he seemed to indicate that he thought of me as a someone he'd want to marry. I like him and want to be with him, but how can I excuse this? Should I confront him? I don't want to be dramatic, but when it involves someone's heart and love, it'll be dramatic. I don't know if he's gotten any hits on the website or even if he's paid for the subscription (you don't have to pay to put up a profile). If I confront him now, it'll have to be over the phone, which I don't want to do. If I wait until I return in a few weeks, he may find someone and break up with me. He may be angry if I confront, but if anyone should be hurt and angry, it should be me. Do I let it go? Do I pull away slowly, letting him come after me? Then, would he see what he's lost? What would you do? I'm at a loss. Any help would be nice.I just wanted to add something. Even though he's on this online dating website, he still contacts me almost everyday. And to be honest, we never discussed whether or not our relationship was exclusive; I just assumed after 8 months that it was.
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (28 February 2010):
You need to talk to him. If he's on a dating site, he's looking to cheat. So you need to talk to him. If he's angry that's his problem. He shouldm't treat you this way.
A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (28 February 2010):
 Well first off, I'd say a problem between you two is communication. Yeah, you guys are in contact daily, but don't seem to be discussing important things like whether or not you guys are exclusive. After eight months, yeah it can be assumed that the relationship is exclusive, but you can't make a fact out of an assumption.
Just talk to him. Ask him what he thinks of your relationship, i.e if it's serious, if he wants it to be open etc. When you're dating, you have to know these things up front. It sounds like you really care for him, but if this guy tells you it's exclusive AND is still on that site, it may be that he's playing the field. Or perhaps, lonely cause you're far off, thinks its in his right to have fun with another girl in the meanwhile. In that case, it might be better to let go. So yeah, talk to him first and again, if he says it's an exclusive thing, just mention the dating site and see how he reacts. You're right, his being angry does not matter, your feelings should be taken into consideration too. But, he might ask too, what YOU doing on there, and play some kind of blame game. So be careful as to how you approach this issue. Do not be accussing, simply relay a tone of curiosity.
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