A
male
age
41-50,
*ameOver
writes:Where to begin? I been in a long distance relationship with a girl for 4 years but it goes deeper than that, alot deeper as this is'nt the normal meet a girl online, fall in love kind of thing. We been best friends for 5 years before we fell for eachother. Recently she broke up with me because after 4 years, we were going nowhere, she claims we are going round in circles and nothing has changed eventhough I been in the middle of making those changes a few months ago to be with her. We had our share of fights and heartache too when we fought but there was'nt anything I did'nt do to show her I love her less and the thought of another fight and things being said in the heat of the moment worries and scares her. To top things off her parents are'nt fond of us but we still persisted in being with each other, there was frequent visits and we even went on holidays together. I tried everything to get her to trust me that we can make it, that i'd be there this very year but it was to no avail. She said she loves me so much and her heart wants us to be together but her mind tells her its not meant to be or we'd have done something about the distance by now so we should just be friends. But I cant be the friend she once had knowing she wont work with me to solve our problems together. She goes as far as to saying she wasn't right for me and theres someone better out there. I dated alot before her but what I felt for her was so much more and I mean so much more. I was so close to being with her and now..... I just dont know anymore what to do. She was more than just a girlfriend, she was my best friend and I have had a constant sinking feeling in my stomach. She has admitted that she doesn't want to be without me but she wont change her mind about it. Is there anyone who can tell me what I can do to convince her we are right for each other and can make it? I'm literally heartbroken over this. Any help would be much appreciated
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female
reader, aphexinfinite +, writes (3 March 2010):
 good luck hun im always here if you need anything just message me aphex
A
male
reader, GameOver +, writes (3 March 2010):
GameOver is verified as being by the original poster of the questionStill thank you so much for everything. Its difficult to hang out with my friends when all they do is ask and talk about her, even when I ask them if we can drop it, so with them its hard not to think about her. I guess the gymn option will help me out, working out my frustration and its time I got myself back into shape.
Well if she gets back in touch, I guess i'll know at the time what I have to do, whether it takes days, months or years for it to happen, I got to put myself first for once. I'll keep you posted as to what happens IF anything happens at all.
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A
female
reader, aphexinfinite +, writes (2 March 2010):
aww no worrys.. you will know when to reply to her. just dont think about her think about your new goals and aims. and if its right then you will know what to do.. we all ask questions to problems even though we are more than capable of dealing with its the comfort we need.. just spend your time in good comfort and get some new hobbies or go to the gym. good luck hun :)
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A
male
reader, GameOver +, writes (2 March 2010):
GameOver is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn the end, I think both of your answers has helped me a great deal. With NC it will give me time to heal and move on but also leave the door open to her to return.
I understand NC is not a 100% foolproof plan to get her back but it will give me the time I need to do something with my life rather than feel sorry for myself and brood over what has happened.
Yeah we have that history, with me being her first love and this being her first relationship with anyone but also being the best of friends before it started too. Anonymous reader, you are right, its like being dead, a big part of me was her and that is the part that died, like a numbness and big empty space. I had tried being her friend but try as I might, the thought of her being with someone else is a thought I couldnt bare which is another reason why I feel NC is something that has to be done. It will only make me worst and sink into a depressive state.
I already started NC now, I can only say time will tell what will happen in the following days, weeks or months if she realises what she lost. If and I mean IF she does get back in touch while I do NC, how do I know when to reply back to her? I know I have to ignore her messages, calls and such but I dont want to answer too soon, so how would i know when to reply back to her?
At the end of the day, like I said, if she comes back to me, it will be perfect and if she does'nt then I will at least be healed and have learned a lesson from this.
I have to say thank you again, you both have no idea how much I needed this, whether its to get her back or to get myself back together again.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2010): hey its the NC guy here. Listen to me carefully, this will be the HARDEST thing you will ever have to go through in your life, because you are obviously in love with this girl, and the urge to just be with her is immense and the feelings are still strong, what You have to do is have self control and fight the urge to give in, dont reply to anything, answer calls, DONT BE HER FREIND. This technique is only used if you want to win her back. I know at the moment it sounds crazy and non logical but put in her perspective; With you gone out of her life, it will make her wonder whats up, it will question her decision, it will make her realize what she can loose, you get me now? While you are in NC, focus on yourself, if you are a active person, go train/gym. Go jogging, just keep your self occupied while you are in the NC period. For me it took 4 months of absolute NC to win back my girl, we were long distance for 5 years, then we split... I immediately implemented NC, which drove her crazy, after weeks and months of no contact she finally gave in and realized what she potentially threw away. Dont get me wrong during the NC period she did date other people, but she realized that being with other people was not the same. the reason this is because YOU HAVE HISTORY WITH HER, which is above anything else anyone new in her life can beat. When someone has a history with someone, theres memory's involved, feelings etc etc etc. Her chances of falling in love with someone else is MINIMUL im talking about 1 to 5 percent of this happening, she may meet someone , have a crush or small feelings, but nothing as powerful as what you and her have. Now in saying all this, you have to remember this is not a 100 percent that she will come back to you, but it is better chances on your behalf going NC rather then being her friend, because she is getting her cake and eating it too, you get what im saying? I guess the reason im helping you is because i know the pain you are going through, its the worst feeling in the world, worse then any physical fight iv ever been in, worse then loosing a friend, because this pain is the pain of the soul, your heart and mind combined. Loosing a part of you is like almost dying, accept its death of the mind and soul, you must better yourself during this NC period aswell so when she does come back to you, you can show that you have improved, show her and prove to her that you are ment to be, but take it one day at a time my friend... one day at a time. Goodluck!
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A
female
reader, aphexinfinite +, writes (1 March 2010):
my friend went through what you did recently and they were also the best of friends a nd for him it was his first love. they broke up got back together broke up and started and unhealthy cycle. in the end they split up and their was nothign she wanted more than them to be the bestfriends they were but he couldnt move on and before she could she kept giving him messages that they werent going to go back together she finally took up NC they ddnt txt for a week but he gave in and txted her she did txt back but she made it short and to the point .. you need to focus on you and not her. make your life better and happier be the person you want to be and if she does want to be with you she will come to you! be patient work with the life you have then perhaps her or someone else will come into your life.. good luck hun i wish you the best big hugs :)
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A
male
reader, GameOver +, writes (1 March 2010):
GameOver is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really have to say thank you so much to both of you for your help at this time. I never thought I would feel this especially from her. She is, I would say, my first love. She taught me so much with her and she says I taught her so much too. The feelings are there, that I definitly know and its just not on my side but hers too she admits.
I tried to be friends or at least keep things civil with her but she keeps going on about "once I meet the right one" without me even mentioning anything about us in the conversation. She even said I'm setting myself up to be hurt with calling her as I want her back. I told her thats no secret I want her back and that she wanted me close but at the same time she is leaving the door open for us and I told her I'm not hanging onto that, I'm doing this close friend thing for her with an openmind and I dont expect it to happen next week, next month, or this year, i'm taking eachday as it comes. I can only think she is confused eventhough she says she is sure this is what she wants, I can't live like this being close friends and at the same time being pushed, ignored and having her tell me its not going to happen when I been genuinly trying to be close with her.
I'm starting to think that the NC is the way to go, even if its not something I would have thought I'd do. If it brings her back to me then that would be perfect and if not then it will help me to move on. Its going to be tough though, no question about it, especially the risk of her going to someone else. I feel like giving up cigarettes is easier than this but I will have to realise that if it does'nt bring her back to me then at least the most important, it will certainly help me heal and to move on with my life.
How do you sustain the NC? If you find yourself giving into her messages and such especially if you are feeling bad about cutting her out?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2010): man i went through this not long ago, let me tell you right now. Only way you will win her back is to act like you dont want her back. I know it sounds crazy right now because your heart is breaking and you are at that earely stage of break up but trust me man, its the only way .. dont answer her calls, reply to msg's dont call her dont have any contact with her. NC (no contact) has to be implemented in this scenario for you to win her back, u have to make her miss you mate. If she dont come back then im affraid its not ment to be, but i bet she will, if this is your first serious break up with her, then go NC, wait untill she contacts you first asking you back, this may take 2 weeks, 4 weeks , 2 months who knows but go NC. Goodluck (google NC if u are not sure what im talking about)
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A
female
reader, aphexinfinite +, writes (28 February 2010):
shes trying to say it but i guess she doesnt want to be hurtful about it.. you can put your life on hold but it will only make you feel worse towards her. i dont think she knows what she wants but obviously this isnt completely what she wants or she wouldnt be humming or hayying about it...it is hard no one finds it easy and we always say we wont find another but we do they obviously just wasnt the right one.. you have to keep trying the shoes to find the right one!!! she keeps saying we tried so many times and it wont work, its like i'm talking to a machine. --- that seems like shes tired of trying to make somethign work t hat wasnt working if she wanted this relationship bad she would grab it by the fist but to me she is repeating the answer shes just not saying it! i think you need to make a descion on what to do! i think you know the answer but you just dont want to come to terms with it.. but as i said fight for it if you want but what the outcome will be know one will know. if your both about the same age you should be heading in the same direction not two different roads! long distance isnt easy i tried it a few times you have to be dedicated to get the time to know each other and spend the appropriate time together../ personally i think she was trying to let you down gently because things are not going the wway she wants them too. i can only go on what i think and what you have said.. i can only relate if she is the same as me i did that once to a guy it wasnt working and i said i just ddnt feel the same and that their is someone better out their for them than me.. sometimes its just hard to accept when something is over...hope this helps. your welcome to contact me if you need someone to listen :) aphex
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A
male
reader, GameOver +, writes (28 February 2010):
GameOver is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have to say thanks for the advice even though its not what I wanted to hear, it makes sense. I'm starting to feel l should move on but really I cant, not with anyone else anyway. It's something that takes quite a long time for me to do eventhough I know its the right thing to do. Its like.... I know that i'm going to find it hard to trust anyone like I trusted her as she was my best friend and girl friend in one, which to me was always the perfect combination. Time will tell what I'll do but my life wont be put on hold for her no longer, all I can is pick up whats left of me and carry on my life. Again thank you Well I just came off the phone to her, I told her to tell me that if she does'nt want me, in'nt in love with me, feel what I feel when we are together or feel I'm the right one for her then to tell me and I will leave her be but she wont say it, even lie just to tell me to stop. She also wants me to be close to her still but lately she's making me feel pushed away and ignored when I get in touch with her. I am really getting confused now. What does she want? Its like she's just dangling me on the end of a piece of string and when I ask, she keeps saying we tried so many times and it wont work, its like i'm talking to a machine.
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A
male
reader, GameOver +, writes (28 February 2010):
GameOver is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have to say thanks for the advice eventhough its not what I wanted to hear, it makes sense. I'm starting to feel l should move on but really I cant, not with anyone else anyway. It's something that takes quite a long time for me to do eventhough I know its the right thing to do. Its like.... I know that i'm going to find it hard to trust anyone like I trusted her as she was my best friend and girl friend in one, which to me was always the perfect combination. Time will tell what I'll do but my life wont be put on hold for her no longer, all I can is pick up whats left of me and carry on my life. Again thank you
Well I just came off the phone to her, I told her to tell me that if she does'nt want me, in'nt in love with me, feel what I feel when we are together or feel I'm the right one for her then to tell me and I will leave her be but she wont say it, even lie just to tell me to stop. She also wants me to be close to her still but lately she's making me feel pushed away and ignored when I get in touch with her. I am really getting confused now. What does she want? Its like she's just dangling me on the end of a piece of string and when I ask, she keeps saying we tried so many times and it wont work, its like i'm talking to a machine.
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A
female
reader, aphexinfinite +, writes (28 February 2010):
im sorry for your heartbreak i really am. but from what you have said its over she has given you more than one choice of reasons why she doesnt want to be with you. if she really wanted it she would be trying to make it work. but she obviously wants it to be over.. you can beg plead do things but at the end of the day if she doesnt want a relationship then you have to accept this.. i know alot of women who use the term their is someone better for you means that you dont feel the same about them and you know that someone out their will and does want to but your not the right person.. im sorry if this isnt what you want to hear.. but its my honest opinion i think you should move on and find someone better. nothing hurts more than the other person not loving or trying the same for a relationship you so much want but sometimes you just cant force something to be when its just not ment.. by all means phone or visit or send a letter but if she doesnt want anything then you will have to respect her wishes and let her go! and go onto the next adventure.. good luck keep us posted aphex xx
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