A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of 5 years (he's 34 years old) is my best friend. The problem is that he has given up on everything. He lost his job three months ago and he still isn't looking for one. He just sits all day long in his room, browsing the net or watching tv. He's living off of some of his savings, which are soon going to vanish. He stays at his parents' house, he doesn't have a car (I drive him around when we go out and for his chores sometimes).Although in the past, he has helped me out financially (when I couldn't afford going on a week-long vacation with him, he helped me out). I have also helped him in the past(when he had lost his other job) and we almost broke up after 3 months of me helping him because I felt I was being used. After that he got a job (the one he recently lost).This year I'm getting my degree and getting a job (I'm 25). We had talked about how we would live together (and maybe get married) when I found a job, but I don't see that happening. Lately, we only have sex twice/three times per month. We almost never have a place to our own to do anything, and even when I get the house to myself, he doesn't get off his ass to come over, he'd rather sleep. I try to think that it's cause he's feeling down cause of the fact that he's unemployed right now, and NOT because he's lost interest in me.He doesn't contact his friends. This started before he met me. On the rare occasion THEY call him, we always argue about me having to go with him. He calls me and says he wants me to go with him right away cause im his GF. Frankly tho, when it's people I don't know beforehand, I don't feel like going most of the time, because I feel like the third wheel, since we're talking about people he hasn't seen for like 8 and 10 months (sometimes even years). I feel like I'm only butting in while they have a lot to catch up on. When it's friends of his that I actually do know, it's just fine to ring me anytime and I'll go. I even went on holidays with his friends.Still, he blames me for the fact that he's grown apart with most of his friends... because I'm not ready to go out the exact minute THEY call him. It's frustrating. I love him and I think he has the kindest heart. It hurts me to see he has given up on almost everything. I want to be with him always, but I don't see how I'm gonna pull it off, since he won't even TRY to make it possible. When I talk to him about it, he laughs it off or asks me to 'cut it out', says 'don't bug me', 'don't start' etc. He swears that he loves me, won't live without me and so on... He is always there to help me out when I need him, and he generally makes me feel loved (apart from the times he doesn't come over to have sex). When I say I don't see us ever getting married, he gets mad and says that we will. But how?I really think this could work out and I feel frustrated that I can't think of anything to improve the situation - wake him up! I don't want to give up on this...
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best friend, broke up, lost his job, on holiday, the internet Reply to this Question
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female
reader, flower girl +, writes (7 July 2007):
 No problem, keep me updated with how you get on.
Take care.xx.
A
female
reader, Mz Honey  +, writes (7 July 2007):
 What you need to understand is that you dont kick a person while he's down you help a person stand beside that person threw thick and thin. You say you love him ?? Than why are you pointing out what's wrong with him the thing's he is doing "Wrong" like he lose his job again,All he do is sleep all day, He dont have a car, I drive him around all the time,He live with his parent,He always want me to meet his friends And then HERE is the BIGGIE He won't come over and have sex with me When I "WANT" to?????Understand something sweetheart When you truly love a person you look beyond all the dum stuff.As long as he is NOT BEATING on you NOT CHEATING you NOT making you rob steal or kill for him Then love him for him.Did you ever stop to think maybe he lost his job for a reason?? Like flower girl said maybe he's going threw a stage of depression or family problem or maybe he justhas came across the job that met his requirments that let him utilize his stills to it's potential or there was no room for growth. or the job just didn't fit his need's.At this point in his life he need's someone who really care about his goal's in life and want to help him threw hard times It's a saying behind ever man there stand a strong women. Men some times need a little comfort of a mother figure. A father teaches him how to be a man But the mothershow's him how to be that man. She show's him how a man is suppose to love and respect a women how to treat a women.Men dont' learn that from his father in some rare cases hemay. But as long as I knowth and from what I seen growing up most men learn how to love from there mother.I'm sorry if I may sound a little harsh but I have seen alot of women lose the best man that they will ever meetfor stupid reason like nagging a man for the small thing'shave faith in him he will find a better job then he have before. 'WE FALL DOWN BUT WE GET RIGHT BACK UP AGAIN'.BELIEVE IN HIM THAT'S ALL YOU NEED TO DO.AND TELL HIM YOU BELIEVE IN HIM SHOW HIM YOU HAVE FAITH IN HIM ,TRUST HIM LOVE HIM FOR WHO HE IS AND NOT WHAT HE HAS OR CAN DO FOR YOU.And maybe thing's will work it's way go for you both.But remember you 1st have to love your self and believe inyour self put GOD 1st in your life and everything will fallinto place.Take care
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2007): His parents love me, they also complain to me about this behavior and ask me whether I can do anything about it.
He shuts them off, basically.
They tell me he never was like this before :/
So I think you may be right about the depression issue... I'll try to tackle this, it's been going on for a long time.
Thanks for your time my friend :) And for your good advice.
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A
female
reader, flower girl +, writes (7 July 2007):
From the sounds of everything you have said i think it is possible he is suffering with depression.
Lack of job, can't be bothered. reduced sex drive and wanting to sleep alot.
Now this can be sorted but it is a very difficult situation, as he will need to see the doctor.
If you really love him you need to try and persuade him to go, tell him that you are really worried about him and you think he should visit his doctor.
This could back fire as people generally don't like to hear that from someone else and depression is very much like alcholism in some respects and the person suffering needs to admit themselves that they have a problem.
If he is not prepared to do this then maybe you should think about backing off from him for a bit, as that might make him realise that there is something wrong.
You say he lives with his parents, what sort of relationship do you have with them?, can you try and talk to them and see if they can help?.
Take care.xx.
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