A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I could do with some advice as I really have no idea on the best way forward. I was with my boyfriend for nearly four years, like a lot of couples we have had our ups and downs but I did always think we was on the same page in that we loved each other, felt lucky to have met each other and we would always get through whatever life threw at us, which like most people has been a lot with the pandemic and the impact it had in a negative way.I have never been married and never really felt a pull towards doing it but he was married when he was in his early twenties and by all accounts from him and anyone who knew them have said it was an unhappy marriage based on lies and deceit on her part.When I met him I felt he was the one, I felt a connection to him I had only really felt with my daughter's dad who I had split up with in my twenties so meeting him was very important to me. I was a size sixteen and within a few short months I was a size twelve and people told me I was like a different person, he made me happy.I have for at least three years of the relationship expressed clearly that I want to get married and have that commitment but he has not so much as given me an engagement ring. Over the years he has said he had never considered getting married again due to his experience with his ex wife but with meeting me he would. He has said 'its on the table' but he would want it to be absolutely right for it to happen.Around three months ago I was talking to my friend and her boyfriend and he said that my boyfriend would never get married again as he had his fingers burnt too much, I asked him how he knew this and he just said that was what he knew.Five weeks ago I was with my boyfriend and I brought up marriage and he said 'i don't want to get married it's just a piece of paper' I was angry and upset and said he had changed his tune as he had led me to believe he would in time. We had an argument and he left. I didn't speak to him for four weeks but I did message him last week and we gave our thoughts from our own perspectives, I guess we cleared things up. But what I feel hasn't changed is I know he doesn't want to get married and I am unsure I could be with him knowing it won't happen.I spoke to my friend about it who I have already mentioned and asked her why her boyfriend had said that with certainty and she told me he had been with my boyfriend and a couple of male friends and they had talked about marriage, my boyfriend had said to her boyfriend, I've only been married once and I would never do it again.I feel hurt and rejected, in my mind he is telling me he loved his first wife to have made that commitment but he thinks less of me and is basically telling me I'm not good enough. He will tell me it was a big mistake marrying her and he loves me and his feelings for me are far different but I don't see it that way.I have told him the relationship is over and quite honestly I have no idea if he is happy with that or not. Sorry it's a long one but was this the right thing to do
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (22 November 2020):
 Ending it was the right thing, for both of you. Though HE should have ended it OR at least been honest with you (not just his male friends) that marriage would NEVER be on that table again.
Marriage isn't just a piece of paper. Granted many people treat it as such.
Him having had a bad marriage CAN "burn" a person from doing it again, but to me that means HE presumes YOU will hurt him like his ex did, that YOU are responsible for what SHE did ages ago, and that is pretty unfair.
Can people live together just fine and NOT be marriage? Yes, people of people manage that and CHOOSES that. YOU however, wanted the marriage.
No one OWES you marriage after X amount of years together. But telling you that YOU have changed his mind on NOT wanting to get married was unfair. Especially since he had NOT changed his mind. He liked the idea and perhaps "fantasy" but reality is different.
I wouldn't say you wasted 4 years with him, but you finally got the truth. The truth is you are NOT on the same page.
So now is the time to reflect and move forward.
Keep being healthy for your own and your daughter's sake.
And chin up.
I wanted to add this. Marriage is not an end all, be all. As in - not the MOST ultimate goal or the most imperative part of life. For some being married changes nothing, really. For other's it is part of life with another person. It a major part, because it show both people's willingness to commit to one another, not just personally, but legally too. It's ABSOLUTELY OK to want marriage, and ABSOLUTELY OK to not want it. There just has to be honesty about it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2020): Yes, breaking-up is the right thing to do; if you want to get married, and he clearly and most adamantly doesn't.
As difficult as it is for some women to fathom; some guys never want to marry, but they're completely happy with "perpetual-girlfriends." Especially, men who have been married before; or those who have continuously dated, reached middle-age, and have been happy-bachelors for an extended period of time. They just don't seem to want to face marriage or the possibility of another divorce ever again. Same goes for many women. Several women I know have had the opportunity to remarry; but they've chosen to remain single, and date. They don't mind the idea of a long-term relationship, leaving the option of marriage open; but as far as a second-marriage goes, they could take it or leave it. I guess if the love was strong enough they'd change their minds. Who wouldn't?
I can understand how you'd be disappointed and frustrated; after investing your time and feelings. All the while, remaining loyal and monogamous to this one man. When you've mentioned the topic of marriage several times, and the answer is vague or non-committed; I guess you could arrive at the conclusion that marriage isn't an option.
Your boyfriend basically gave you an ambiguous response to keep you around; but it also got you off his back about marriage. An ambiguous or indefinite response for me is the same as "no!" If I ask a question several times and can't get anything better than a definite maybe...to me that's telling me to stop asking. Basically avoiding the real answer, which is no...that's how you dodge arguments.
He told the other guys he didn't want to get married, and he has told you the same. I guess you've gotten your answer; so breaking-up is really the most logical and practical action. Do you want to marry someone you had to force into it?
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