A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I feel so shocked and hurt that I don't know what to do or where to turn.I've been in my relationship for three years now. Recently we made a decision to come off birth control and start trying for a family. The decision came after I had a scare, and once we sat and talked about it, we decided that we were ready and it was something we wanted to do.Four months down the line, my boyfriend tells me that he needs to explain something to me, and as I felt I already knew him inside out that I didn't need to worry.So last weekend, he sat me down and explained that when he was 16, his girlfriend at the time had a baby but choose to have their child adopted, so neither have any rights to this little girl but he wanted me to know rather than his mother telling me when I (hopefully) announced we were expecting our first child together. He explained everything, how they were too young,how the timing was right....ect.I'm not hurt by the fact he has a child, or anything remotely about the child other then the fact he spent three years lying to me. Not only him but his family and friends. We live in a large area, so clearly more people will know then I believe, and the whole time I knew nothing.I really don't think I can get past this. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2015): It is a terrible shock that I can relate to very well. I found out about a similar situation 10 months in to a serious relationship. I can't imagine what finding out 3 years in would feel like. I know I wondered why I wasn't told sooner.
For weeks after I just cried every day. It felt like I was with a different man- I did not know who this person was. You go through so much questioning their morals and feeling horrible for the child and how could they give up a part of them? I didn't think I would get past it, but I decided to try, since we were quite attached by this point.
Surprisingly, I have been able to forgive more than I thought I would. Even good people make terrible mistakes and perhaps try to do the best they can when foolish and young.
The whole past situation still bothers me, but not on a daily basis anymore. We have rebuilt trust and overall I am very happy and would not give up the relationship (2 yrs in)
You have to make your own decision on what you can accept about the past. I don't have the answers, but I relate to the pain you are feeling. Just remember that this intense pain of the shock will pass with time. Just try to be good to yourself for now, take time to think.
All the best,
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2015): I am not surprised this has knocked you flat. I agree with the other posts that he is bringing this up now only because you are discussing having a child and he has already had one of his own - been there got the t-shirt. Whilst being a parent at age 16 is difficult it is certainly not impossible with the right support. Making a decision to have your child adopted is a huge decision and I can only hope he gave it the immense amount of consideration it required. What bothers me is that, given the amount of time you have been in a relationship (3 years) that he has only told you now. He should have told you within the first 6 months - when you had formed a bond, but had not spent so much time 'getting to know' on another that to introduce the idea would be a bombshell. It is a massive deal actually because one day that adopted child may well want to find their biological parents and in the UK has every right to do so. That potential may impact your relationship and any family you build together. I am not saying in a negative way but to let your relationship develop to this level without allowing you to have an accurate context is wrong. He feels bad and thinks his complex decision reflects badly on him. He wanted you to love him first - and in effect you feel 'cheated' of the truth and therefore feel your love for him is undermined and built on something that wasn't what you thought. I dunno but to me it is a little bit manipulative keeping it from you - he has controlled the relationship by doing so. My best advice is to hold off from planning a family with him. You are still very very young in fertility terms. If you were in your mid 30's I may have a different view but you need to rest a while with this revelation before you make what is already a complicated situation even more complicated.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2015): Should he have told you earlier into your relationship that he had a child that he put up for adoption? Maybe. When is really the appropriate time to tell somebody news like that?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2015): Okay, slow down a bit and think. He didn't lie about it. He neglected to discuss it with you; because he wasn't sure of what your reaction would be. He must be burdened with guilt about it; knowing how irresponsible and reckless that was. At least now he's old enough to take life-altering risks; and be fully responsible for them. A 16 year-old boy is not equipped to be a father. Period!
Giving up a child as a result of irresponsible unprotected-sex isn't something to shout from the roof-tops.
It is nothing to feel proud of. The fate of the unwanted child is even harder to explain to those quick to rush to judgement.
If he told you day one; what would or could you do about it?
Easy to say how you would have reacted...long after the fact!
There are two people who made this decision. The child's mother had the most say in the matter. Wisely, she put the best interest of the child first. She is entitled to some degree of privacy. If he rushed to tell you, maybe it is because she still harbors guilt-infused resentment that she had to give the child up; knowing she wasn't anymore prepared for motherhood than he was to be a father.
I'd even go further to say, her version of the events leading up to her decision; might place him to blame, and put him in a bad-light. So far, it has in your eyes! Just what he was afraid of. I could see where it might even bother you he had a child with someone else first. Although that has a very unfortunate ending. Having children without a legal and binding commitment between the parents; leaves you hanging if he bails on you.
It also frightens you to think you almost made the decision to bring a child into this world with no marriage-contract. He could just up and walk.
You're absolutely correct. It was wrong to withhold this information from you. Your reaction is pretty much what he anticipated. Don't pretend you bear no harsh judgment against giving up a child. Everyone feels bad for the child. I do too. However; the child is better off with a family willing and able to love and care for him or her.
The usual double-standard, places more negative-opinion on the mother than the guy involved. Disinterested and irresponsible sperm-donors bailout all the time.
She chose to place the child up for adoption, over abortion. People on either side of such an issue are pretty tough on the parents. It was a time in both their lives they'd like to keep low-key. He told you before this idea to become a parent becomes a reality with you. His ex may have some choice-words to share with you regarding his baby daddy-potential.
He surrendered or denied all parental-rights to the child; and might even have threatened to walk on her. She may have wanted to keep it; but that may have rested on him sticking around to help.
If his family didn't tell you, it wasn't their place to.
More interesting than his decision to hide information he put a child up for adoption. That is, the decision to have a child without a marital-commitment to you.
What brought on this decision of starting a family when you have no official-commitment that he'd be sticking around after nine months is up? Perhaps there is a hidden-message in this sudden revelation. Maybe deep-down, he isn't really ready to be a father. He may only be going along with it, because YOU want to. Well, springing that news on you now may have been his only means of escape!
If you ask me...you ducked a bullet, girlfriend!!!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (27 February 2015):
 He should have told you. But he didn't. I dislike the fact that he "only" told you because he didn't want the EX to tell you IN CASE you got pregnant.
HE didn't lie about it, he hid it, buried it. Maybe because he felt/feels guilt. I still think he and his ex did a good thing. They couldn't provide for a child, but GAVE another couple the opportunity to do so.
I think WHILE you think about it, you should STAY on birth control. Do not have unprotected sex in you feel unsure of him.
He didn't share a part of his part (that many of us would have thought was a pretty big thing). His friends and family might not have known that you didn't know. They might just have respected his wishes of NOT telling you (wasn't their place anyways).
So aside from not wanting you to hear it from the ex, what was his excuse for not telling you?
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A
female
reader, suzzzque232 +, writes (27 February 2015):
 maybe he just wasnt ready to talk about this before...having a child and giving it up might have been hard on him and he learned not to discuss this episode of his life.
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