A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I feel that my boyfriend and I may have hit a rough patch. We're about 6 months into our relationship and up until this point, things have been so easy and carefree. Then, he got a new job that has a lot of potential for him to advance and be very successful. He's working nearly 11 hour days and is completely drained. Im struggling because during the day we barely get to text. I know at a new job you shouldn't be on your phone. Especially in this particular job, he has very little time to stop and text me. Many people have told me it's not healthy to communicate all day, but we went from texting maybe hourly and updating each other on work to now I'm lucky to get 3 texts during the day. I can see his phone switch to text message instead of iMessage and I know he's had issues with it. I see him just as often after work, maybe 5 days a week, but he's so much more tired now and we spend a lot of time talking about the new job. I don't want to complain. I want to be there for him, but he frequently falls asleep 2 hours earlier than usual and we've been having less sex because of it. I really appreciate that he still makes time to see me and have told him so. He has sent me several super sweet texts thanking me for my support and saying I'm the best and he promises this is all temporary and will get better. I haven't had many long term relationships, so I just want to know how to deal with this. I'm pretty sure it's normal to go through a more stressful period, but I want to be there for him even when it's not as easy. Also, how do I deal with the communication change? I had gotten so used to frequent contact that this makes me feel distant from him and when we're in person he's tired. I really care about him and am proud he got this new job. I know he'll be successful and I want him to be. I just need some advice about how I can handle the transition.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 March 2017):
 you already posted this question and got great advice. Honestly it is not realistic in relationships to be talking all day and you will always be disappointed if that is what you expect. You need to stop being so needy and be thankful you get to see him daily, a lot of long distant relationships go weeks or months without seeing each other. If this is stressful to you then really maybe you are not ready to be in a relationship or maybe you need to learn to back down a bit or else am sure your boyfriend will feel suffocated.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2017): Hey sweetie this is your second post isn't it ?
Do you both have the same lunch time? Couldn't he give you a call or you him for 5 mins say you need to hear his voice . Or can't you text talk then a little .. what I call volley texting
Listen if a guy gonna go off you, he will . Yes he works with more females and this for you will be a bit scary and guys do look . I mean so do women, what you must do is make sure you have your own things to do , tell him , share . Make him laugh. Go out and if guys chat, chat back you don't need to flirt but you can still have a laugh
Your bf needs to know that he has to earn that space with you, and that you wouldn't be lonely if he decided to do something silly.. you need him to know your desires le to other guys not just him ..
I think at the minute your worrying over nothing so calm down a bit and don't make him everything .. let him wonder what your doing ..
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 March 2017):
 I agree, Welcome to Adulting!
First of all, let him settle into the new job, it might take 3-6 months before that really happens. And yes, texting 24/7 every hour is NOT necessary for a relationship to work. Otherwise, think of all us "old" folk who lived and dated without cell phones!!
What are YOU doing with your life? Are you reaching for the sky too? If not, maybe you need to think about what direction YOU want to go in.
And you SEE him 5 days a week! So even IF he is tired you ARE still a priority for him.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 March 2017):
 How can you handle the transition ?.. Pardon the harshness, OP, but.. maybe deciding to grow up a bit and join the adult world ? Because that's where your bf lives now. He may be just very busy at this time and hopefully his workload will decrease in future, or else he'll get "broken in " and adjust to the demands and pressures of his job , but, either way, that's what most adults do : they go to work, they get tired, even very tired, they do not have time / will / permission to text their SO on the hour from the workplace( yes, he is NOT supposed to text on the job, but for emergencies or on breaks; in fact I wonder where he used to work to be allowed so much leeway, and, frankly, where it was his work ethics then. People get paid to devote their working hours to the interests and concerns of the company which hired them, not to cultivate their own social life or love life ). They may cherish and value their relationship, but, there 's other stuff too that needs to be taken care of , like work, or their children, or older parents, or chores , social engagements and responsibliries and , why not, even recreational pursuits that not necessarily always involve their partner. There are many things taking time and energy in an adult life, and , while a love relationship may be the most important , cherished and gratifying, inevitably it has to share the limelight with other things and at times come second due to more pressing concerns. Like earning a salary and payong the bills
Quantity is not quality, it's not that the most hours you spend together the more guarantee of success, happiness and duration you 'll have. " Love is not staring into each other eyes; love is looking together in the same direction " - which can be done very well also without constant attention to quench your thirst fir reassurance and validation. And anyway, your bf is not neglecting you, he is being great at doing an excellent balancing act between the requirements of his job and his want and need to nurture your relationship. He still sees you 5 days a week, he still contacts you every day, he is always sweet, and grateful for your support. The relation seems happy and solid- just subject to the variables of a normal adult life- and in this light, sorry, but it just sounds like you are throwing a tantrum because now everything is not just about you you you.
Give him a break,- keep supporting him, keep being part of the solution not part of the problem. A little less sex ? Oh my oh my :) Remember, quantity , not quality - enjoy the intimacy that you can have, and make it count more - in fact sex may become more exciting, more special, more intense ... precisely because is not so easily available , " on tap ".
And, focus on YOUR life, try to expand it rather than having it revolve all around romance. Ok, I get, you are a young woman in love- but, that's ALL you are ?? That's all you CHOOSE to be ? I don't believe it ! ( and if it is true, it's not healthy ) : there are, there must be, other things that capture your attention and give you pleasure and satisfaction, beside your boyfriend. Do you have career aspirations, dreams, passions of your own ? Interests, hobbies, friendships ? Is there anything that you want to improve or acquire or expand in your life ?
So, he falls asleep two hours sooner : GREAT. Now you have 2 extra hours to.... ( fill the blank. Read ? Exercise ? Cook ? Dance ? Visit mom ? ... I have no idea what is it that you like but, 1) ) everybody likes something, beside men and 2 ) Men ( in the sense of boyfriends, husbands and lovers ) are great, they are famtastic, they are a blessing ( not always, but that's anotehry story ) : but they are time consuming. Seize the extra , text free time and use it, not to mope around and pine for your bf - who anyway is not going anywhere and is still very present ! ,bit to invest it on yourself for doing things that you want to do: it may be finding the cure for cancer, or it may be inventing a new style of manicured nails, that depends from your individual talents , aspirations and inclinations- but , whoever you are- you are not JUST your bf's girlfriend, you are an individual, not just half of a couple- , and your life can , and should, be happy, busy and fulfilling also when he cannot text you or see you !
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2017): Welcome to the adult world, my dear. Sometimes the job has demands. You have to get acclimated to your new responsibilities, learn the ropes, and familiarize yourself with your new surroundings.
If he is working an 11-hour day, his boss has high expectations, and a heavy workload.
If you want to succeed at anything, and if you have a good work ethic; you will give no less than 100% of yourself. Your boyfriend has ambition and bills to pay; he knows his job offers him an opportunity to grow, and he has the potential to climb the ladder of success. A real job doesn't allow you time to slack-off and sit around texting. Even if you do retail or serve tables, you have to be working while on the clock; not goofing-off texting your friends and lovers. If he got his degree, now is the time to put it to use.
He also has to prove himself worthy of hire, and he's probably still in his work probationary-period. This is a critical time, and he has to make the best impression. He's not texting you less for the lack of interest, he's busy and doesn't have the time. I believe you're mature enough to know these things.
If you work hard, you're tired at the end of the day. It's probably his first really good job. I don't allow my employees to sit around texting when they should be working. Not if they want promotions, raises, or bonuses. They're on paid-time, and it's inappropriate to have their personal phones active at their desks. It's not my rule, it's company policy.
You are a woman now, and petty girlish thoughts should be put aside. You understand the concept of job-demands and responsibility; and should also know the workday is supervised paid-time. You're being evaluated by management; and your co-workers require you to carry your load.
Good-paying jobs expect good productivity, professionalism, full concentration, speed, and accuracy. The less distractions you have in a day, the better you'll perform.
You have to adapt to changes. That's what smart mature people do.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (11 March 2017):
 I appreciate this is still a relatively new relationship, but you really need to cut your boyfriend some slack. I really don't see how he can possibly do any more to appease you than he is already doing.
You sound like the be all and end all of your life is your boyfriend. That, like constant texting, is also not healthy. Have you no interests of your own? Or friends you can catch up with?
You need to get this into perspective. Your boyfriend has a new very demanding job. He is not having an affair or neglecting you. I mean, God bless him, he is still spending 5 nights a week with you. Instead of putting additional pressure on him by demanding sex, why don't you give him a relaxing massage and cuddle up together?
This isn't actually a "stressful" period. This is just a "busy" period when priorities need to change for a while and you need to be a little less selfish. If you can't cope with this, then you will really struggle if something like job loss, ill health or other major issue occurs. Perhaps you need to ask yourself if you are mature enough for a long term relationship (and I don't mean that in any disparaging way). If all you are interested in is the constant buzz which you get at the start of a relationship, then you are perhaps not ready to settle down yet.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (11 March 2017):
 You're still seeing him often after work, so you're not going without him. And YES, people shouldn't be texting when they're on the job, unless they're at lunch or on a break. That's good work ethic to not be texting constantly while on the job.
How do you handle this?? Fill out the time with going to see friends, doing other things, pursuing some of YOUR job goals and bettering yourself. You still see him very often, and of course he's going to be tired if he works 11 hour days and sees you 5x per week. That's a LOT!
You already know why he's texting less, so don't accuse him of being distant, as no guy who spends 5 nights per week with you in person should ever be accused of being distant! If anything, you should drop that to maybe 3 days a week until he gets used to his new job. Don't make QUANTITY of time the only indicator of intimacy. He'll fall into a groove when he gets the hang of the job, but until then, be cool and laid back and don't start clinging or accusing of distance.
The "many people" are right. It's unhealthy to be in constant communication all day. Absence makes the heart grow fonder! AND - he has to work to pay the bills!
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