A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyoneI found my girlfriend of 6 months has been cheating on me for the last month. So i'm going to break up with her, I just don't know what is the best way to do it.I'm a bit older (29), than her (22), so her being a bit immature and naive has been something i've grown used to, and she is a little bit spoiled and there may be some cultural differences we are from different countries (UK and China). but most of the time she was very sweet and caring and we grew close. she is very shy and it took many months for her to open up and I really feel she is quite fragile.I recently found she has a boyfriend in china. It seems she started dating him online after dating me, and she plans to move to Canada together with him in the autumn. Me and her were both also planning to live together in the UK from the same sort of time of year so its a bit of a shock. Whilst i cannot be 100% sure of everything, i'm 99% sure, the guy posts about her, says they are dating, etc, so its only his side of the story, but there are screenshots of their video calls that he posts regularly so i'm pretty sure.So obviously its not working out and I have to end it. But i don't know how is best to do it. She messed up and of course i should be angry, but i'm not really, i just want her to learn from the experience and grow up. I feel hurt by the whole thing but i really just think she is being immature and lacks experence. i want to let her know that I know, tell her i won't tell him and that im not angry with her, but that she really needs to learn from it. I dont want to say something to hurt her too badly while she is away from home by herself, I know reading this you will think she is an awful person and maybe she is, but i'm also sure if i confront her she will be devastated. How can i handle this so that she learns what she needs to learn without making it too awful for both of us?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2022): This website is really insane.
You get cheated on and the answers first responses are:
did you hack her computer remotely?
You are racist for not wanting to upset her
you are immature for wanting to end things reasonably
good grief!!!
I think the best way is to just be honest about what you know, how you know it, close the door and let her know there is no going back. Then you can be as supportive to her after that as you choose to be as long as she knows where you stand.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2022): To be honest I think you are also quite immature.
Sorry to be so blunt but there is nothing difficult about this really as you just tell her that you don’t want her anymore because she has been cheating and making plans with another man and that you don’t trust her and that’s that.
It doesn’t matter how you found out, you did.
It’s really quite simple.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2022): You say she is a bit younger, at your age seven years is a big gap. You say she is immature, so are you if you need advice on something as petty and simple as this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2022): Sir, this is a situation that calls for being direct; but stay composed and control your temper. There is always a tactful and adult way to handle things.
It really doesn't matter to me how you found out. The point is, you've indicated that you have the evidence; and you claim to be certain about it! Now deal with it!
Please don't stereotype her as some docile delicate little creature. She is not a child, she is an intelligent adult; and she knows exactly what she's doing. She has gone-on undetected for a whole six months! She has the stealth and cunning to cheat behind your back; so you're not dealing with some frail Asian lily from the East. Her culture or race has nothing to do with anything. Cheating is universal!!! There is no place on the planet where it is okay!
Be tactful and to the point. Why is being honest, when it's necessary, so difficult for people to perceive? It seems lying and passive-aggression is the preferred way these days. Tell her what you know, and tell her it is over.
She probably won't be as upset as you might imagine. As a matter of fact, I think she'll be quite relieved. It takes the trouble of dumping you off her hands.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2022): original poster here to answer some of the questions...
we are in the same country. she is from a different country, but we live in the same country, the same city.
How I found out is she posted her photo to instagram which I follow and this guy commented with a lot of hearts. so i thought oh that's a bit unusual and his profile is public and he uploads lots of photos of her and their video call screenshots with comments about them being together and plans for the future. she also follows him and the posts are spread out in time, so if she didnt like it probably wouldn't be there. she must know he posts them so i presume their existance and her continued interactions with him is an endorsement of their content.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (28 March 2022):
 Yeah, I'm with Ruby.
How did you find out?
And you are sure this isn't a brother? That it is romantic?
Yes, some of it can be chalked up to immaturity, sure. However, I know many people who have NEVER cheated in their 20's. Who for certain were immature, yet still stuck to the moral code of "you don't cheat". I was one of those. Broke my heart when I WAS cheated on, even if I deep down knew that my BF (at the time) was not a Keeper.
If you KNOW it's her 100%. I would just make sure you have all your stuff separated from her (in case you have things at her place and she has stuff at yours). And then I would
call her and let her know that you feel you two have outgrown each other and want different things in life. That you wish her the best and end it with a "Good luck in Canada". Then you block her and move on.
You can't CHANGE her. You can't MAKE her feel what you feel. And you can "mature" another person.
Will she be devastated? I don't think so, she has already lined up your replacement. And HE might not be the only one she is playing these "what if fantasy games" with.
Just end it, You don't OWE her an explanation.
After that? BLOCK all access.
And next time you date? Find someone closer to your own age with more compatible values and morals.
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle +, writes (28 March 2022):
What isn't clear from your post is how you found out about this other boyfriend? You and your GF aren't in the same country so you can't have "stumbled on something accidentally" whilst using her computer. Did you hack her computer remotely?
Or, if you gathered all this information from the alleged other boyfriend's computer/blog or website, - how did you know to check there? You must have at least have learned his full name from someone in order to search for him online.
The reason I ask is because it can be very difficult to dump somebody "constructively" when you too have acted in an underhand way by snooping. The whole thing could blow-up in your face with You being the one chastised and maligned for snooping.
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