A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I have been involved with my BF for 3 yrs on and off. We started off as friends as when we met he was recently separated (moved out and living apart). I knew that he was not ready to be in a relationship and he was feeling v sad/guilty feeling that he abandoned his kids. So I told him that he needed to resolve that guilt and seek therapy. As an FYI, the relationship with wife is not an issue, it was really the children.After about a year or so, we met up again and this time we got carried away and ended up intimate. Neither of us planned it, as he began dating someone. But we had not seen each other for a while and it was obvious that we definitely made each other happy and had strong feelings for each other. That said, I again that he was not yet ready, and that me in his life would just be confusing. So despite his reluctance, he eventually agreed that we should be out of each other's lives until he is in a better place.Fast forward 9 months later, we again reconnected. First as friends and then it became apparent that we really cared for each other. AT this stage, he and the wife were in therapy to address the separation and to ensure the children are damaged as little as possible. He and I became closer. But when he came to visit (we live far from each other), he chose to not stay with me or be intimate with me. He said that he really really likes me (not platonic) and hopes that I feel that, but he does not want to mess this up so he does not just want to hop in bed with me. We cuddled and that was that. Then a week later i got flowers, etc. We continued to stay in touch everyday (he would reach out) and became even closer.Here is where i became confused. Over the holidays, I started to feel insecure and sent an emotional email saying that i felt that he was not really allowing me to get close and that I was not sure if he was real. He became silent and stopped communicating. Initially I thought he was angry with me but a few weeks later he sent me a note saying that he is sorry for being unresponsive but he has been dealing with his own demons. He finally decided to take up therapy. He also said that he is sorry to have caused me pain and that he is hoping that he can be the friend I deserve to have... and not the mess he is now. I am trying to understand why he shut me out and if i should just leave him alone. Clearly he wants to figure things out himself, but why would he cut me out when I was someone he was so close to... does he not like me anymore? *earning2love (please respond) as i really like your objective and honest point of view
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am curious however to hear from men on this site - specifically because I wonder if it is typical behaviour for men to just shut someone out when they begin therapy or when they are dealing with their "demons."
We were not "flings" and while he was not my boyfriend, we had feelings for each other and cared about each other. We were friends - so I was/am hurt that he has decided to shut me out.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo he was not my boyfriend but we did become best friends because we talked/laughed almost everyday (there was hardly a day that went by when he did not wake me up with a good morning and put me to bed with a goodnite.. no matter where either of us was in the world/time zone). But, I always knew he was not yet ready, and that was why I walked away two years ago (I actually cut off all ties for almost a year). So yes, I knew that while he was attracted to me, it was a big reason why we were not intimate the last time we saw each other - that he had more things he needed to resolve. I guess I am starting to understand what he meant when he said that there would be no more messes with me (if we ever got involved). I am, however, happy that he is finally going to therapy and taking steps towards resolving his issues. While rationally I know that he needs to work on this himself, it hurts ...even though I am realizing it is not about me. I am leaving him alone and I am moving on. I am generally a happy person and have a full life, but I guess I just miss my friend.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 March 2013):
 He is in no shape to have a committed adult relationship at this time.
I would not consider him a boyfriend... ON and OFF for three years is not a good track record.
You can't fix him. He can't love you if he does not love himself and he has to work on his demons.
His behavior is not a reflection of you nor is his cutting off contact with you personal. These are his demons and he has to cope with them.
I would leave him alone and even be available when you are ready to meet new men and move on with you life.... I know that devoting 3 years of your life to helping someone is hard to walk away from.
Have you ever considered that you may have co-dependent tendencies?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2013): ok... by "bf" you must mean best friend? because so far it seems you two weren't togther, you were (as the other post said) having flings or sorta crushing on each other for a bitI think you should stay out of it, if he wanted to be with you... he would be with you. When he said he didn't want to jump in the bed with you, part of that might have been him being unsure if he wanted to be with you, and I think for whatever reason, he decided it wasn't a good idea, hence him dealing with his own demons
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