A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:Hi Aunts!! In need of some opinions and maybe an insight of my issue here. A little background story; I'm 21, Malaysian Chinese and in my final semester of my undergrad degree. Started dating my bf for about 10 months now and everything is pretty great between us. Before we started our relationship, I had a conversation with my bf about my aspirations and that I do have a lot of plans for myself and that come what may, I'm going to pursue them. And he, as well, let me know his plans after graduation etc. I felt like I wanted to have the conversation with him so that we are on the same page on things and that we would support each other. Because to me, if my partner does not support my goals in life, I don't see a clear future with them then. So when my parents first found out about my boyfriend, I told them what he was studying and what's his family background and such. they liked him what they heard and when my bf met them, my parents were pretty happy with him as he had goals in life and was very humble about his life and family and he's just a typically Chinese brought up boy. So I trust my parents' instincts as well when they said that he was good (parents have that weird 6th sense!). I know as well that he's good and I think we would be alright together. So after the first meeting, my parents and I had a chat about relationships and such and I let them know about where I stand about the relationship with my bf. They were telling me to not take it "so seriously" and I knew what they meant by that. Their meaning is that they fear that would do everything/give up everything to be with this one person and marry right after graduating. I assured them that we're not going to get married right away FOR SURE. I told them that he and I agreed that if the relationship lasts, then great we'll keep going but if it doesn't lasts, then it wasn't meant to be. I told my parents those exact words and added that we're just taking each day at a time and go with the flow and not force anything and just enjoy this present moment. And my parents were like okay that's good to hear and they were good with it. And my bf has been coming over for dinners with my fam and his fam has invited me to dinners too. It feels really great and I feel happy for the first time in a few years. Like I feel some relief that my parents has realised that I've grown up. However, recent events with my brother has suddenly turn the situation to me. My sister-in-law has decided to leave my brother and end their marriage due to my brother's unforgiving behaviour. And I can see why she has to leave because it is just too toxic. Then my parents turned to me and said that I should choose wisely when I marry. and recently, I felt like my parents don't really understand the dating scene nowadays. I believe during my parents' time, their idea of "date" is seeing people but not exclusively dating a single person. To them, it was seeing a bunch of guys then marrying one of them. and they expect me to do something like that. They passed a sentence saying like "why did you commit to this guy?" and I was like you see one person at a time, not a bunch at a time. Then my aunt jumped in saying "so you are taking this guy seriously?" before I could answer, we had to get going. so my view is that, of course you take someone seriously, if not, it would just be playing with that person's feelings. For me, I take him seriously as the person that I am seeing, but Im not going to give up my aspirations and such to just be this person. If he's not supportive of me or is not right for me, I would NOT hold on to him at all. Actually, my bf and I see eye-to-eye about what I just stated. I think my parents think I gave up my independence or something but I have not changed any of plans and in fact, he's supporting me for my plans for postgrad and so on. So yeah, in some sense, I do take him seriously, I'm not playing with anyone. I am aware that I am fairly young and they have expressed that there are a lot of people that I will meet in life and I said I couldn't agree more. I think they might have felt that I might be fixated on this guy but like I said before, if it makes it, then fantastic, we'll proceed to the next step of the relationship (whether its moving in/ marriage or whatever it may be at that time), if it doesn't, then it just wasn't meant to be. to me I am taking it easy like I like this person very much, I have a great time with him, our relationship is good and healthy and we support each other through our studies. You all do not know my full family story but a lot of things has happened with my brother that made me grow up independently. I have my own thinking and my own opinions and I am pushing for dear life to not disappoint my family the way my brother has. those of you who know Chinese culture, "face" is very important and somehow due to my brother's issues, I am left with the heavy lifting to fight back for that "face" for my family. It has been tough on me and I have been trying my best to do what I can. I work part-time, unlike my bro who does absolutely nothing (I'm not exaggerating at all), I take care of my brother's baby every weekend when I'm home, the baby would be with me from morning til night (I live on campus as it's too far to travel back and forth everyday). I do what I can to help. Kind of wish they do see that I grew up and that they have nothing to worry so much about. I have a lot on my plate for a 21 y/o who has promised to look after that baby until he's old enough to look after himself. I've confided in a friend or 2 about my life and they have told me its definitely not an easy road, but I have been strong through it all and I hope that I can remain strong about my life as well. In addition, my parents have not always been supportive of me when I was younger and making decisions about universities or courses that I wanted to take. A lot of the situations between my parents and I did create resentment but its gone now (no worries) cuz I've accepted everything that has happened and that there is no point in holding grudges. I just hope that they do understand that yes, I take him seriously but not to the point where I would give up my aspirations. I've told them my plans before and after meeting my bf. It hasn't changed and in fact, the plans got clearer where I have steps to take to reach my career and they were happy about it and told me that they would support that. So I initially thought everything was fine until recent events. So any idea on what I could do? or maybe just carry on as it is and if they bring it up then re-explain to them? Thank you in advance! :) Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2020): Miss, please let me say to you, that you are an amazing bright, articulate, goal oriented woman, who will be a great success, in life! Your parents have done a fantastic job of bring you up into a high quality human being! I would tell you to stay the course to achieve your goals. Your parents love you and truly want what is best for you. Always hear them, and take their advice under consideration. Use their wise and practical ideas, but as a grown woman, you are ultimately responsible for your own actions, so as a woman of conscience, you must always be true, to yourself! I, being a great fan of monogamy, believe that dating one person, at a time, is the moral thing to do, for the very reason which you stated! You should be serious about your bf, but certainly not throw away your life goals. Your parents need not worry unless a diamond ring appears upon your finger, prematurely! You are too smart for that! Your parents can be very proud of you OP! My prayers for health and safety for you and your family!
A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (11 February 2020):
 You sound like a very wise young lady with good intentions. As annoying as your parents advice may seem, they're trying to make sure that you keep growing and hopefully don't have to learn certain lessons the hard way. It can come across as nagging, yes, but they're just being parents. It's good that they're allowing you to date which is something that some parents from different cultures like some of ours will not allow at all so in that sense, consider yourself lucky.
I understand what they're point is with multi dating and yes that still happens today. I believe particularly in Western culture it's more widespread. It's pretty normal to date multiple people at once and choose one of the many. Personally, I don't multi date because I'm just someone who doesn't like to split my attention in so many directions. Life is too busy and I also really value monogamy. I'm old school in that way. Trust me, I understand why you don't want to multi date and I think that you should date in the way in which you feel most comfortable. Perhaps you are taking this guy seriously and that's okay if you see some sort of a future with him long term. However, I would make sure to set goals and accomplish those goals before making any sort of long term commitments. You don't want to lose yourself in a relationship. That's what your parents are afraid of and since you come from a place where saving face is important, they're even under more pressure to make sure that as parents, they keep their daughter in check. As wiseowle mentioned, there are double standards when it comes to females. I've experienced them too and feel a large sense of responsibility as a direct result. You have an added responsibility to make something of yourself and put dating second, until you can be who you are ultimately meant to be. It's unfortunate, but it's true. You have to be something, not only for yourself, but for the sake of saving face.
Your parents are just worried. Your brother had let them down and now you're their only hope. The one that can bring so much honour to the family. The one that can really make something of herself. I suppose they don't want you to have any unnecessary distractions. You seem like you're pretty mature for your age, in countries like ours sometimes you have to be young and mature simultaneously or you'd be chewed up and spit out like so many others that came before you. It's a huge responsibility but personal fulfilment is a driving force. You seem to want to accomplish all of these things for yourself.
You're young and I agree that you should take your time with dating. There's no rush.
You should understand that your parents have been around longer than you have and they understand human nature better than you do. Many young people think that their parents advice is invalid... Even my grandmothers advice is still valid believe it or not, and she's 81 years old. They know the world, the opposite sex and how human beings in general operate. They've seen the best and the worst that this world and it's inhabitants have to offer. They just know so much and it comes from a place of wisdom. They're very knowledgeable on things that you may only get to learn later on. What they're trying to do is save you from yourself because they probably wished that someone could've saved them from themselves when they were your age. They're just trying to look out for you and since they know you better than we do, they must see what we can't possibly see just judging from your text here.
The best way to navigate this is to continue to make wise and informed decisions and they may trust your judgement more over time and respect that you're an individual capable of making good choices. Do not abuse your freedom. Respect the freedom that you're allowed. That's the best way to prove you're worthy of more. Worthy to be trusted.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2020): It's always lovely to hear from you, my dear! Please keep safe and take all healthy precautions during this scary flu pandemic! I'm saying special prayers for everyone!
Your parents do understand you, because they've been around a lot longer than you have. It's new to you, it's not new to them. You misunderstand the intentions behind their advice. That's all it is! It's just advice, it's not written in stone. They repeat and overemphasize it to be sure you're listening. Just like listening to lectures; and studying a subject over and over improves your recall, understanding, and retention! They relentlessly get into your business!
There is really nothing new under the sun, my dear. Dating for them is the same as it is for you, people are people...only technology changes! It is good to socialize and get to know a variety of male-types; as you enter the dating-scene. Sometimes first-time relationships do get way too serious; and young people do get a lot wild notions into their heads. They are also very clever at telling their parents what they want to hear; while something entirely different is going on in their brains! Your parent were your age once; so they know how you think! Phones and devices exist today that they didn't have; but people haven't changed that much! We don't come-out in new redesigned models every year! Everything around us changes, but our human-nature stays pretty much the same. Human-evolution took billions of years. We still have the same primal-instincts and rudimentary habits.
They're not stupid, and you don't teach your parents how to be adults; it's their job to teach you! You complained about their getting too involved when you first got into college; and they didn't want you dating at all. Well, they've cut you some slack; just Like I've been telling you ever since you started sending these posts. Reminding you that you're still living in a country that honors old-tradition, and sets a double-standards for girls. No matter how progressive you may think; your government, and the influence of tradition on your culture prevails.
You take your parent's advice sometimes too literally, and sometimes you are dismissive; as if they're totally foolish. You haven't been on the planet as long as they have; and I wager they could survive out the world alone, a lot better than you could without them!
Humor them, and respectfully accept their advice. You're going to do whatever it is you want to do anyway. You live in China; and parents in your culture are more involved in your personal-life, because you're a female. They have to pass-down Chinese-tradition, or get judgmental-stares and criticism from extended-family, neighbors, and friends.
More "face" is lost when an unmarried-female ends-up pregnant; than when a unmarried-guy gets someone pregnant. The males carry-on the surname of the family, and first-born sons are highly valued. That's universal...sorry, but it is what it is! Keeping your daughter pure and virtuous until marriage is outdated, but that's universal too!
The double-standard is maintained in your culture; and your parents have the responsibility of protecting you from yourself; because you are away from home for the first time. Other eyes are watching your every move. They get the blame for how they've raised you. Your brother will get a pass from society that you won't; even if he does embarrass your parents. Yes, they are investing a lot of hope in your success. Every parent wants bragging-rights about their offspring!
College-students tend to return home from school thinking they know everything! Suddenly they sprout a full-knowledge of life; and go home, and attempt to teach their parents what life is all about. Sweetheart, they've been there and done that! It's all new to you, not to them! If you read DC regularly, people repeat the same problems everybody else has; but it's "their" problem now. They appreciate our take on things; and we empathize and share the wisdom of experience. Just like your parents, who happen to be an excellent built-in/homegrown source of advice; with the extra advantage of loving and knowing you. They can tailor or customize their advice suit your personality. They see themselves in you!
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