A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My question is bout my boyfriend. We are both the same age. On the surface he looks just like any other guy, has a job and generally gets on with things. Very outgoing and great with people. Grew up in a normal family that likes each other and still visits. He was married 2x before. First marriage 5yrs then divorce, 2nd marriage 5 yrs and then suicide.When we met we had a period of getting to know each other then we became intimate. And he wanted nothing funny in bed or anything. Just different positions etc. Happy to give oral and to receive it. Never wants something if I am not up for it. In fact, has never even asked for anything out of the ordinary, even though I have asked him whether there is anything specific that he would like.Anyway then found out the other day he is into S and M. Likes watching pics of naked women hurting each other.Now I am confused. I asked why? And he says it really turns him on. So I said wow I didn't know that. Esp since he never said anything. Would he like for us to experiment in that way. And he said no. Not at all. I said I could like tie him up or spank him or something. And he laughed, and said no way. HE doesnt want to do it, just look at it in his free time.The most he would ever do to me is spank my bottom (you know when i walk past him or something, but not in a disrespectful "get-my-beer-out-of-the-fridge-woman" kinda way, if you know what i mean...)OK.So I have 2 questions:1) How can someone be into pain (as seen in the sexual context), as that seems to be the complete opposite of what sex is. I would think sex is about enjoyment? Fun etc (and that it is almost used to escape from the pain and reality of life) not BE THE PAIN as it were. Although if he likes it, why not? Willing to do it happily. (With him getting the pain, not me-sorry i cant even go to the dentist for an injection). So is someone who likes pain and sex then kinda wired funny in their brain?2)Why, if this is his turn on, does he not want it with me???
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female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (21 August 2008):
 I used to like the thought of my boyfriend pleasuring another woman, there was definate conditions to it, like we didn't know the girl in question. Would i of liked it in actual practise? No.
Fantasies are just that, fantasies. It doesn't mean we want it in the real world.
Is someone that likes pain in sex wired 'funny'? I hope not! I quite like having my hair pulled, i wouldn't like to think that makes me funny!
Hope that helps?
C xxxx
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (21 August 2008):
I think you've answered your own question.
You say in the first question that you think that pain is really the opposite of what sex should be.
I think your boyfriend probably agrees with you on that. He wants to make love to you because he loves you.
However, seeing something happen can get you excited without you wanting to do it yourself. Millions of boys love shooting people on the xbox, but the idea of causing someone to bleed in real life is not something they'd like to do.
The hammer horror film industry is legend but all the people who watch gorey movies and love them don't want to get an axe and start slashing.
Seeing a fantasy on screen can be thrilling but seeing it in real life would be not nearly as good. This is probably why most porn acresses are plastic disposable blondes rather than the girl you would ask out and introduce to your mother.
As long as you are both happy with your sex life then don't fix what ain't broke.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
male
reader, ChiRaven +, writes (21 August 2008):
 First, S&M is first and foremost about power transfer in a relationship. About one person taking total responsibility (and total control) for the outcome of the sexual experience for both people in the partnership. But that's another story. We'll deal with that in a bit.
The problem in dealing with pain in this context is that there is only one word for "pain", but there are a number of different meanings. It's rather like "stress". There are positives and negatives. Take a roller coaster, for example. For some people a roller coaster ride is the high point of his or her day; for others, it's abject misery. In the same way, some people internalize certain types of pain stimulus (usually gradually in a way that builds up over time) as more and more exciting and enervating. They speak of "a cone of positive pain" that starts out rather narrow at the start of a session and gradually expands as the couple goes along. This would require much too lengthy an explanation for this forum. If you really need to know more about it, send me a private message and I can recommend where you can get some books that will go into a lot more detail about the subject, and introduce it in a careful way.
Oh, and unless you REALLY understand what it's all about and what you're doing, you are NOT qualified to be what people in the "scene" (as this lifestyle is called) refer to as a "top" ... someone who takes that responsibility and "gives the pain" in most situations. (That's a VERY oversimplified description of a very complex relationship, but please believe me that unless you go into it a lot more you are NOT ready to do that.)
Which naturally leads me into your second point.
First, your husband may well identify with the dominant side of the BDSM equation, and may not be INTERESTED in being on the receiving end of it all. Since he senses (correctly, I see) that you are not interested in being on the receiving end either, he sees no real possibility of the two of you reaching a satisfactory agreement on power transfer that would lead to a mutually satisfying outcome. It's not that he is being selfish or anything. It's just that some people identify more strongly with a certain role, and have a difficult/impossible time trying to "switch". (Others, by the way, do move freely from one role to the other.) And these roles are not at all obvious. One thing that is almost legendary in the "scene" for example, is the number of really high powered executives and top notch professional people who are submissives, "bottoms" in the terms we have been discussing. Their everyday lives are filled with the constant necessity for being always in charge. In their sex lives they often find it satisfying to surrender total power and let someone else take control.
Another possibility is that even if your husband is by nature a "bottom" or a "switch", he may not be willing to try to "dom from the bottom", that is, take charge and take responsibility for the scene while being in the submissive role. He would have to do that while he trained you properly to be a skilled "top", able to provide the proper stimulus that would give both of you satisfaction in the experience. He might not be sure enough of his own skill to be able to do that either.
And that leads to another possible impediment. I think he senses that you are probably by nature quite "vanilla", as those in scene refer to people outside to the scene. Unless you are going to derive satisfaction of your own out of something like this, he probably would not enjoy playing a scene like that with you. BDSM is all about mutual satisfaction. If you're not getting anything out of it, then he's not really going to be happy about it either. It's got to balance. It's a loving relationship, where partners care for one another and everybody's needs get met. If you're really just going through the motions, it's not the same.
I hope this answers your questions. If you need more, either post a follow-up here or write me a private message and I'll be glad to go into more detail. It's an area in which I have some modest degree of expertise.
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