A
female
age
30-35,
*wgti
writes:Okay, so I've been with my boyfriend for more than 2.5 years and everything has been going great. So, the last night I was on his computer and I saw that he had been looking at porn. When I asked him about it he said it wasn't his, and he didn't know how it got there. I obviously knew he was lying, so I continued to ask him about it and he continued to deny it. So I let it go until today, I told him to look me strait in my face and tell me the truth, he kept denying it. After a few tries i finally got it out of him. He seemed really embarrassed to admit it, and he said it was a long time ago that he'd seen it. I got teary eyed and asked him why he would do this to me, he said it's cause I couldn't be with him all the time. I got so upset that I got up and walked right out of his house. Later, I decided that we needed to talk this through and figure out what we were going to do out it, so I went back to his house. We sat and talked for a long while, and he kept apologizing to me and said he wasn't ever going to do it again, and the real reason why he was looking at porn was to find different and more interesting ways to have sex with me. I asked him why he couldn't just tell me that to begin with, and that he didn't have to lie to me and he said he didn't want to admit it cause he knew it was going to make me mad, and he was embarrassed. I don't know if i should believe him, and I'm really hurt that he saw other women, i feel like I've been cheated on. But the other side of me wants to believe him. What should I do?
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female
reader, FyreFlie +, writes (18 February 2010):
Im in the same boat actually. My boyfriend did it to me as retaliation for talking to my X. and He knew allll about the issue i had with my X and his porn problem. He promised that he woldnt put me thru what i went thru again.. and HA that was a big fat lie. i just needed to piss him off. my bfs X cheated on him, so he instantly put it in his head that i cheated on him too and decided to cut me deep. I still dont look at him the same. We were supposed to get married everythin was perfect. and he threw it out the window. i have an attachment to him.. but i cant get it out of my mind. He did it and BLAMED me. It wasnt for "better" and thing.. it was to make me feel like shit because he thought i slept with my X... you got lucky.
A
female
reader, Tigerlily +, writes (12 February 2010):
Okay honey I'm sorry you feel hurt, but I'm just going to weigh in here with my opinion. I don't think porn is cheating. Men are very visual sexually and I think of porn as just a natural part of masturbation. Everybody does it. Honestly, there is such a huge difference between getting turned on by a photo and the total package of an intimate relationship sharing laughing and loving with a live human being. Why is his just looking at something sexy a betrayal against you?
Naked women in a magazine or a video aren't "real"... they don't have a personality or even an identity for guys. They are just a "tool" they use for masturbating or for indulging a fantasy. Women might masturbate with a dildo... should our guys feel betrayed because there is this other "penis" in our lives that we have absolutely no emotional connection or attachment to? As women, our fantasies might tend more towards daydreaming about being stranded on a deserted island with a handsome movie star, but basically I see it as the same thing.
Yes your guy did lie to you but I think he was just scared that you would freak out... which apparently you did. I think we women make a big mistake when we expect our men's love for us to be so perfect that they aren't even allowed to think about anything else. No man can live up to that, so they hide it. The reason they hide it is because they care and don't want to hurt us. Honey if you can honestly say that you have NEVER once wondered about kissing Brad Pitt (or whoever) or smiled appreciatively at the sight of Shemar Moore without his shirt on... then go ahead and hold your man up to this impossible standard... and ruin what sounds like a really great and fulfilling relationship.
Or you could consider understanding the bigger picture of human nature, taking a good look at how good you've got it with your man, and just forgive him.
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A
male
reader, Wh1t3r4bb1t  +, writes (12 February 2010):
 Sorry, but if you regard porn as cheating i think you will find most guys will cheat on you.. would you rather he watched some mundane porn video on the internet and cared nothing for the participants (maybe he has thoughts of you) and released his sexual tention, or find someone behind your back have genuine feelings for them and not tell you?
I would imagine he didnt tell you because its not something you really say to your partner after that long if it hadnt been mentioned prior (obviously depending on the person and relationship) its a personal thing and obviously he wasnt telling you because he knew how you'd react to it!? Ive read in many a place guys just work different and porn is more of a means to an end than something emotive - ie. you watch it do your personal business then thats that.. its nothing compared to sex with the woman you love, if you can comprehend that i think this situation will die down rapidly. I understand why you're upset but surely you can understand his embarassment i dont think you should feel to bad yourself as from a guys view...alot of people not just men use porn as a means to an end(as im sure you're aware). good luck - if you love him it should be a none issue x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2010): hi! Don't worry you aren't alone, a similar thing happened to me. But I expressed to my bf that it hurts me and i d like him to stop doing it, he said he loved me and porn meant nothing to him so he said he's no problem not doing it again. Its been 2 years since then and although I doubt him from time to time I believe he isn't looking at porn. I've told him lying is the worst thing in a relationship and I'd rather him be honest. I believe he is honest with me, he loves me and wouldn't want to hurt me again. He has no problem with me going on his compute or his mobile and is very open with me now. Some people can accept porn, some people can't. I guess the fact that my ex best friend is now a top porn star and thinkin of him pleasuring himself to her makes me sick and yes it is like cheating. Some people will tell you not to worry and let him do it, but at the end of the day it is your relationship and if it hurts you, he has to change. I agree with you 100%, it isn't okay him lying but I'd give him one more chance. I wouldn't stop him from pleasuring himself though, a man can do it without the porn and just his imagination, this doesn't bother me as I can't always be with him. Your happiness is the priority, make sure he understands that honesty is number 1 to you. Good luck honey :-)
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A
female
reader, veronika  +, writes (12 February 2010):
 The crux of the issue here is that he lied to you. He needs to show you that he can stick to his word of not looking at porn.
But I think you should give him the benefit of the doubt and believe him this once, because I'm assuming this is the first time you've noticed him looking at porn. If he doesn't modify his behaviour in the future and you notice the porn again, then you have a reason to not trust him and you'd be more justified in getting pissed off.
You need to let him know that lying can only hinder the relationship, not help it. And that if he does use porn again he should tell you and be honest, and you two should talk about the issue.
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