A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for about 8 months now. Things have been fabulous, we’re looking at getting engaged soon. However, there are some things which are bothering me and I need some men’s opinions on this.I was a virgin when I met him because I strongly believed that I would have sex with only one man in my life and that would be the man I get married to. That’s my belief and something I was very rigid about. Naturally, I expected my future husband to be a virgin too and when I first met my boyfriend, I made this very clear to him. 'Tell me about your past…and be honest with me. I have nothing to hide and I am being completely honest with you and I expect the same. If you have had sex with others then maybe this is not the relationship for me'. He refused straight away and very vocally, I might add. He said that while he had had many girlfriends in the past, he too was waiting for the 'right' person and he never really felt a connection with any of them. There was making out and the other frills on the side but no sex. I believed him, not completely, but I didn’t have a choice.Fast forward to yesterday evening.His email was left open and he wasn’t in the room, I was just about to sign out when I saw a mail addressed to his best friend which had the subject: THE PROBLEM. This was dated to November last year, around the same time that he was dating someone whom I know. I clicked on the mail and was horrified at what I found.My boyfriend had basically written to his friend saying that he was having problems in the bedroom and was unable to have an erection and though he tried having sex a few times, he couldn't because "the front part of my penis is too soft and can’t excite the vagina". He went on to write that this was causing him tremendous embarrassment and he just didn't know why this was happening to him.When I looked back on our time together, I remembered that he had an erection when he was with me from day 1. In fact, so much so that I was almost tired of all the sex we were having and still are! He wants in 2-3 times a day and can go on for very long! This seems so contradictory to whatever he had written.I confronted him immediately because I was abso-fuc****-lutely livid at his lies. Here he had been telling me that he had never been this intimate with any girl when obviously he had tried having sex with quite a few girls before me. Maybe he couldn’t get it up but he tried all the same! He admitted immediately and said that whatever he had told me was just to save our relationship because he could in no way afford to let me go because he loves me to death. He says his past was one big mistake and he's completely ashamed of himself. He begged and pleaded me to believe him, saying that no matter who he was with apart from me, he just couldn’t get an erection. I know this is true because I read that mail to his friend, but how can this be possible? He says that he needs a connection for sex, and warmth and intimacy and he never felt that with anyone except for me. Is that even possible for guys? I thought guys could go at it whenever they wanted! Is he lying to me? I just don’t get it!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2013): Waaaaaait a second. If he hadn't lied, you wouldn't be with him right now. You wouldn't hear sweet, truthful words from his lips every day. If he hadn't lied, you wouldn't know what love like this feels like. If he hadn't lied, you'd be watching Pride and Prejudice on DVD for the 34th time and eating a pint of Cherry Garcia right now in a pink terrycloth robe, wishing desperately you could get laid (shhhh, memories, don't tell all my secrets now!).If he hadn't lied, you wouldn't have the love of your life beside you. Aside from all the "burn the witch" posts below that condemn him as a morally bankrupt man for this one lie -- I completely disagree. I think he is not a "liar," but he is a man that told a lie out of love and desperation. Unlike the ladies below, I believe there is a VERY BIG difference.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2013): Yeah it was wrong of him to lie but it was wrong of you to read his private emails without his permission so you're equal and you don't get to have the relationship revolve around his wrongdoing only. You cant trust him anymore but you are equally untrustworthy too.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2013): Again, reality check. When any of you can find a guy or a woman who does not lie in a relationship; please post them on YouTube for the world to see. Then notify heaven, they're missing a saint.
Blowing a lie about a guy being a virgin so out of proportion is the most ridiculous thing I've read; since some crazy guy who wanted his wife to admit he wasn't the best she'd ever had.
I think relationships have enough stress, bad-will, and emotional issues to deal with; than to expand on whether or not a guy lied that he was a virgin.
It does not say his true nature is being a deceptive predator. I think you know him better than that. You are disappointed. Don't let ill-placed passions about "lying" warp your common-sense, or taint your judgement. Judge him for the man you otherwise know him to be.
As I said, if he has broken the profound deal-breaker.
Toss his sorry ass to the lions. He can do worse.
Will you eliminate all other possibilities, and condemn him for saying he had no other women before you?
Somehow you may appreciate the passion behind the comments that say how dishonest and unromantic he is. Those are words that may be a bit irresponsible; because they aren't considering your feelings for the guy, aside from him telling you he never had sex before.
Let's not throw the baby out with the bathwater aunts. Calm down.
You set an unrealistic standard, he couldn't meet it; so he lied about it. How does a man prove he is a virgin? He can only claim he is.
Women lie about their age, hair color, and how many men they've slept with. So what? It isn't like he lied about being a convicted felon. Then I can see all this condemnation and craziness. You said all was fabulous until...
The odds are, 99.99% of the adult-men you meet; could or would possibly not be virgins. There is no physical evidence to prove it. You found out the truth. Admonish him for lying, then grow up and deal with it.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (5 September 2013):
 So, his logic is this: When he messes up, or does something that is a deal breaker in the relationship, he will just lie about it rather than be honest with you? And, exactly what do you think is the problem with that?
You may have guessed right, his logic doesn't excuse his behaviour, nor does it excuse his lying. His logic is used to JUSTIFY his lying.. So he wouldn't care what he does that could go against your wishes, as long as he gets what he wants. If he doesn't get it, heck he can just lie about it, and then he gets it. And his excuse when busted is: but I wanted it so bad!
Like a child crying for candy in a shop. You have to realize that simply wanting something doesn't give him the right to take it. It's very selfish, actually. You're dating an incredibly selfish man! No matter how nice he otherwise is, you can not deny that he is, as admitted by himself, only looking out for HIS OWN wants and needs! He's not thinking about you, or about the relationship, he's purely thinking about HIMSELF.
If you continue in this relationship walk into it with your eyes wide open to this fact. Don't excuse his behaviour or lying with "but he loves me so". He didn't love you so much that he lied to you, he's not treating you with so much respect when he lies to you. He's not trying to "save the relationship" when he lies to you. Lying only serves ONE purpose: to get him what he wants. It undermines what you want, totally takes it out of the equation actually. It ruins the trust in the relationship (so there goes the lying to save the relationship excuse). And you don't get someone to love you by lying to them, so there goes his "love" for you. You don't lie to someone if you respect them either, so there goes his respect for you.
Eyes wide open to this if you choose to continue. He's got a sweet tongue that will say anything you want to hear, as you already know.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2013): I've been reading some of these other posts and I'm not sure if some of the aunts actually read your post entirely.
I personally read it three times. From beginning to the very end.
Some advice is off-base. You snooped into his e-mail and got half-assed information; and jumped to conclusions.
You flew off into a wild confrontation.
You have foolish naive notions about everyone being virgins in your relationship; and went ape-shit about his lying about being a virgin.
Well, good luck finding yourself a male virgin over 20; in this day and age. Then see if he is incapable of making mistakes, and doing the same things any other male is capable of.
I try to advise people who have been abused. Have you been abused?
Let the others jump all over his so-called "lies" and what have you; but I'm going to focus on reality.
I'm going to also suggest that if you can't deal with the situation; then just put an end to it. Forgive yourself for mistaking a human being, for being something more.
Go search for a man who is a virgin. Save your money so he can take a lie-detector test; because that is the only way you'll know if he's a virgin. Then re-attach your hymen.
All of this nonsense is born of two things.
1) INSECURITY!
2) A WARPED SENSE OF REALITY!
Why is it so important that he never touched anyone before he touched you?
You think that means he'll only be true to you?
You are quite naive in such thinking, and must be living a very sheltered life. The TRUE world just isn't as closed and rigid as your mind, and beliefs. Are you 13 or 26?
Now come down to earth, and think about what's going on now.
I mean look at how he treats you, and where your relationship is going. Has he otherwise been loving and good to you?
Aside from the lie, is he proving himself to be a good man?
You're in an eight-month relationship. Your relationship is only in it's infancy, and you're already acting nuts!
Raving about how he lied to you.
If you hadn't snooped and found the e-mail, would all be well?
You knew he was in a relationship before he was with you. Your problem is you wanted a pure and untouched man.
Are you serious?
I think you're a little off in the head. Just as some of the advice you're receiving justifying the immature behavior. I'm going to give you tough-love, and bring you back down to earth. You deserve a big dose of reality.
If he lied and it's unacceptable to you, then breakup.
Call the police, and accuse him of rape. He misrepresented himself; and therefore, "forced" you to give him your virginity. Is this the case? I think not!!!
Arguing and being mad about it will not change the truth.
Now you know it. He may have had sex, or "attempted" sex, before you. This will be the case for the majority of the men you meet.
BIG DEAL!!! You are no longer a virgin; but things were fine for the last eight months. Is there some other "real" problem you neglected to add?
Then resume your quest for the untouched perfect pure man who will not lie. Perhaps you'll find the Holy Grail in the process.
Is sex the only issue that is important in a relationship for you?
Are you so insecure that you can't face the realities of life like the rest of us?
My dear, you have to accept some mistakes people make. You make your own. Being a virgin doesn't make you an angel, nor does it place you above the rest of us mere mortals.
You simply kept your hymen, and you have your personal virtues and morals. You were strong and stuck by your beliefs. You gave it up to a guy who might eventually marry you!!! Good for you!
Everyone may not live up to the standards you think everyone should have, your holiness.
If he lied in self-defense; it's because he's dealing with a woman who is losing her mind about something that happened before she ever met him. How is someone supposed to react to such nonsense? Again, it's totally immature.
You've set your high standards. Then you're personally without sin? You measure a person's worthiness by whether or not they've had sex? Again, what planet are you from?
Purge yourself of that lying fornicator, and find yourself the perfect man. You weren't supposed to have sex before you were married. If you have to stick so closely to the rules. So you're not so perfect after-all. You're still a good person with good morals and standards? Right?
Now snap-back to reality; and try to make what you have work. You just got a big shock. He's no virgin.
To forgive is divine. You don't speak of any other violations in your relationship, except that he lied about having sex before he was with you. Sounds like a pretty pitiful attempt at sex. He was too limp to finish.
As a man, it's hard telling a friend you're impotent and wasn't able to perform sexually. Imagine what the friend thinks of him as a man.
Sorry, that my words are so harsh. There are too people who care for each other, and something dumb just got in the way.
When I see foolishness; I call it for what it is. You found someone that you said:
"Things have been fabulous, we’re looking at getting engaged soon. "
Don't you go and mess it up, young lady!!!
You can say whatever you want to me in response; but if there isn't a molecule of truth in anything I've said, let me be the first to apologize.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2013): OP again. I agree that the main problem here is the fact that he lied to me. I would much rather be honest and go down fighting than lie and pretend to be fine and hunky-dory. Maybe I did come across as overbearing and immature when I was so rigid about the no-sex clause, but I didn't threaten him about it. I just told him that this is what I want in a man and as unreasonable as that sounds, if I'm lucky I might find one.
He told me even today that there was no way he could ever let me go because when we finally started dating after all those years of knowing each other, he felt that he was finally happy and as corny as it sounds, he had found what he was looking for.
I'm not defending him but he is a nice guy...he's respectful of me, he's always been lovely with me and has taken care of me. When I questioned him about the mail the other day, I could see the fear in his eyes, he was genuinely shaken and was very scared. He begged and pleaded in every way possible for me to forgive him and he told me that he's never loved anyone as much as he's loved me. He agreed that he had lied but that was just to save the relationship, as I had already written before. I dont think that's excusable but still, that's his way of thinking.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (5 September 2013):
Like SoVeryConfused said, you need to look ahead. You are planning to marry this man, that means spending the rest of your life with him. I guess you're against divorce, right? So if you later find out he's lied again, but you are now married, you will not be able to leave. The decision for the FUTURE thus needs to be taken NOW. Not when you cross that bridge later in the future. You need to think ahead and deal with it now.
He lied. Your boyfriend is a liar. Now what are you going to do about it? There are now trust issues in the relationship, severe trust issues. Because this wasn't a little white lie of "No, honey, you don't look fat in that dress". This was a lie that meant you gave up your dreams and beliefs for him... You gave them up to a lie. That is betrayal. Few relationships get past such betrayal. The ones who do decide to "work through it" often come to find that there are more lies later on, more betrayals later on. Next year, who knows, you find out he accidentally got a child with one of these women he claims he didn't have sex with. It's not unlikely. Or he takes a test, finds out he's got chlamydia, passed it to you, and you are now infertile as a result. Reminds me, have you gotten tested?
You see, once he's shown the capability of telling big, fat lies, you know he is capable of doing it again. Can you really accept that and take that risk? Because there's nothing to "work through" really. You either accept that you have a liar for a boyfriend who is likely to lie again, or you don't accept it, realize he used you to get what he wanted, and move on to someone more worth your time.
I realize I'm not even trying to be objective here, but as much as it hurts to imagine leaving him, look at your alternative. To be with a man who betrayed your trust just so he could get into your pants. He might have been a good friend of yours in the past, but what friend does this?
I guess I am asking, is your belief to marry the first man you sleep with really more important to you than your own happiness?
If you decide to stay with him take this lie seriously. Don't throw fits or argue. Take it to couples therapy. Discuss it in length. Decide what you will do and what you want and how you should get there. Take the matter seriously. Trust takes a loooong time to rebuild. I recommend no sex until you trust him again, because sex is now a very loaded topic for the two of you, and in order to talk this through you shouldn't engage in the very thing that he lied about and that broke your trust.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (5 September 2013):
 so your concern is not that he has the ability to LIE to you and is not trustworthy... your concern is his ability to have erections now?
honey why he can get hard now and not before is not anything to be concerned about... the fact that he LIED to you and may lie again is a bigger concern.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2013): Hi everyone, I'm the OP. Thank you for taking the time to answer my question.
In response to what some of you have asked, yes, this is not the first girl that he couldn't get an erection with. I read in the mail that he had mentioned "Anne and a few others". Anne was his first girlfriend and I presume that they broke up for the lack of sex because he always told me that he couldn't satisfy her sexually. Basically she wanted sex and he couldn't get it up no matter how hard he tried. I didn't know how much to believe him till he showed me the mails exchanged between them dating 3-4 years back, when he has mentioned not being able to please her in bed. The "few others" that he mentioned about were girls I know of, the date of the email corresponded to the time that he was casually dating one of the girls.
Just a bit of background info: We have known each other for almost 7-8 years now, we were colleagues at the workplace, there was always a wonderful chemistry and ease which we shared but neither of us ever thought that we could be together because I was seeing other people and so was he. Then he was away from the country for a while and I too was away for extended periods of time because of work. But when we met and re-connected, it was magical...absolutely amazing. We started dating and it felt absolutely perfect...unless the lies came up.
I realize that I cannot take the moral high ground here because I went against my own beliefs and had sex with him before marriage so I cannot possibly expect any better from him. But what bothers me is that even though he knew I was that strict and adamant, he still lied to me about not doing ANYTHING with any women that involved a penis and a vagina. Now I know that is stupid and I cant even believe that anyone would ever believe that and even I didn't, but I went with it, I guess because I wanted to believe it.
What I don't understand is, how is it that his erection problems have disappeared miraculously now? I've never had a problem with him in the bedroom. Yes, there has been an instance when he couldn't get an erection for quite a few days when he was really stressed about applying for a new job and he was afraid the problem was rearing his head again but he was fine in a few days.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2013): Hello!
On this question, I'm fairly firmly on the side of, "Yes, he lied, BUT..."
BUT you pressured him into it with a highly unrealistic expectation in today's secular world. He must be a virgin or "this relationship isn't for you?" An ultimatum, my dear, and the man obviously liked you a lot (yes, Cerberus, one CAN be emotionally attached very early on, especially if they have "a feeling" about someone). What the heck was he supposed to do?
With that kind of pressure, knowing the outcome, I would have lied too. And I never lie. (Well, here's the hypothetical "almost")
Are you religious? If you are very religious, and this expectation comes from that religion, then stay close to church, and I guarantee you will find other men in their late 20s who are virgins. Hey, YOU may not want to touch them with a ten-foot pole either, but at least they'll be virgins. This was my experience. I was highly religious, a virgin in my 20s, and was like, "These are my choices?! I wanna puke just thinking about sex with these guys!"
I understand your ideal, because it was my own. I honestly haven't completely given it up, either. I just understand that humans are humans. We were designed to prooooocreeeeate (read that with the voice of the little aliens in Toy Story), and honestly? I find a man who has never inserted his penis in another vagina at 29 almost unnatural. At this point, I just look at a man's attitude towards sex and women, and the level of respect and seriousness with which he conducts himself around the issue. There are truly noble, lovely men out there who are also red-blooded males, and you can't reject the one for being the other, or you are going to end up alone or in an unhappy relationship, guarantee it.
Why aren't you flattered that he TRIED and FAILED to bed other women before you came along? It's natural to try, but apparently he was not in love. You, my dear, have the special ingredient it takes to get this man's juices going, and you should celebrate that. It means he thinks you're something wonderful.
I just wish you had not given him the ultimatum at the beginning. There is no good way to come out of crap like that unscathed. Either you prematurely abort a great relationship based on somewhat irrelevant ideals, or he lies, and you find out about it later, and abort a great relationship based on lies that need not have been spoken...
Please don't misunderstand, I think that lying is wrong. I also think that in the face of your sexual tyranny, 99.99% of men, even ones that usually don't lie, are going to do just that instead of say (deep breath) "Hey babe, I have kinda had sex with 7 women because I thought they were the ones I wanted to be with, but they weren't because I couldn't get it up and I realized that my problem goes away around you and I really love you! Could you really blame me that much for my paaaaaaaast...?" and that dwindling noise in the background is the guy's helpless cry as your foot kicks his ass out of the relationship, because he wasn't a virgin.
You're missing out. This coming from a one-man woman, too.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 September 2013):
 So he had THE PROBLEM and he could never perform before you.
Yeah right.
The other posters have covered abundantly all the psychological angles of this situation ( unrealistic expectations, intentional deception, etc. ) so I won't go over that again. I'll just focus on the erection thing.
It's a lie. It does not work like that.
Ok, even the studliest macho can have occasional defaillances, at any age- once in a while, he can't get it up , for any number of reasons. Because he drunk too much, or he's dead tired, or he's worried about some deadline at work etc. etc,
But, to be a constant, recurring problem, at his age , it has to be either a physical condition ( blood circulation problems, low testosterone, diabetes ...), or more seldom, a psychological block due to some emotional trauma or mental block .
It's a problem, unluckily, which does not just get cured by miracle, meeting " the right woman " whom he feels wonderfully connected to. I wish it were so easy, in fact , to overcome a constant, recurring lack of erection, you need a good doctor and the right prescriptions if it's a physical condition, and a good shrink and plenty of therapy if it's a mental health issue.
Impotent with everybody, and then, because he meets Miss Right ( ... but how does he know she is really Miss Right in such a short time ), all of a sudden, voila', problem gone and he's hard as a rock ? very, very, very improbable.
My guess is that he had sex before , and that e-mail in November referred to a momentary period of difficulty ( and note he does not say he could not get it up at all, he complains about only reaching a half erection ) which had never happened before, and then never happened from then on, since when he was with you.
The guy is as flaky as his erections in November.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 September 2013):
 I'm 100% with Cerberus.
There is nothing "romantic" about his lie. WTF?! And yes, I wouldn't trust this guy further then I could toss him.
He SURELY didn't know that he would be able to maintain and erection with you, and that was the reason he lied.
He lied because that is what he THOUGHT you wanted to hear and because it WORKED for him. While he MIGHT have felt the same way that you did (about purity) it doesn't mean he actually kept to it. Look around you. See how many people call themselves Christians - like the nutcases from Westboro, yet they practice NONE of his teachings? They like the idea of Christianity, they just don't think THEY have to follow the words to the letter.
***And relax people.. I just took Christians as an example.***
As for the mail you read. Well, there could be several reasons why he didn't get a full erection. He could have been drunk or not "really" in the mood. He could have had one for way longer then was comfortable. And it still doesn't mean that THAT one girl was the only one he "tried" to have sex with.
And YES you had a choice. If purity and no sex til true love and marriage was that important then how is it OK for you to break that rule? It's OK because you didn't lie about it? Not many people get married to the first person they have sex with, no matter how strict their beliefs are.
So you are in a rough spot now, because you have spend the last 8 months with him and you have no clue if he lied about other things.
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A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (5 September 2013):
One thing I have learned in life is everyone lies about their sex life. They are either pure or have done it all.......and stuff In between.
You need to make a decision. Am I willing to die on this mountain? Is this worth me fighting everything I got?
I would suggest you forgive and forget. You love him and he loves you. Don't make this the end. This is nothing compared to the battles you and your future husband must go through together
Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2013): "I didn’t have a choice." Yes you did, you always have a choice. You chose to throw your beliefs out the window for a guy you weren't completely sure about, that's on you OP.
OP forgive me but you're just pissed that your fairytale idea of having a 100% "pure" man for life isn't a reality and that he had sexual experiences in the past. But you suspected that from the start didn't you? You knew he'd been with other women before you, did you really expect a 26-29 year old man not to have been intimate with any of his other women?
The lie is bad though OP, and it's worse than the other posters suggest in my opinion. You explained to him a very core belief of yours and even though that belief in my mind is too strict and counter productive, he still lied completely about it in order to circumvent its significance, that's not allowed and who knows what else he has lied about or will lie about to get his own way. He made the basis of your entire relationship a lie.
Lying to keep you is not romantic, I don't know where people get that idea, it's unacceptable and its selfish. It's not an act of love it's a deceit and frankly his excuse that he loved you and wanted to keep you is utter horseshit, lying so soon to you wasn't about love because you'd barely even been in a relationship if you ask me it was a lie to get you into bed. Seriously OP, there was no relationship to save at the point of the lie was there? No, you told him from day one and before you'd even had any time in the relationship so there was nothing to "save". So if you ask me that's another lie, seriously, think about it.
Look the others are right, not every guy has easy erections, most of us do but not all and there are a number of factors that can come into play.
The problem here is the email. Did it suggest the "problem" was a recent phenomenon or that it's something he's always had a problem with? To me that's important because frankly OP he is capable of lying big to you to tell you what you want to hear so he can have you regardless of the impact it may have. So you have zero reason to believe he's telling the truth now. I wouldn't believe him at all.
The email was dated November last year, pretty much right before you got together. How convenient then that he would meet you, the solution to his "problem" and then lie through his teeth because he finally found a woman he could bone regularly, assuming of course that this is a problem he's always had which I very sincerely doubt.
You see I doubt it OP because I doubt a man his age with past partners has only ever been able to get an erection with you, plus just because the tip of the penis is soft doesn't mean he didn't stick the rest of it in on more than one occasion.
I mean come on, how would he know it can't "excite the vagina" if he hadn't stuck it in a few times? And just because the tip is soft OP that doesn't mean he couldn't have an erection, you know there are different stages of an erection OP and you can have sex on a "semi" or "chubby" it's just not every stimulating.
OP I just don't quite believe him now either, what he's saying makes no sense and it sounds like he's just trying to cover his ass.
Save the relationship? What relationship, this lie started from day one.
Just because he couldn't get a full erection doesn't mean he hasn't had sex and besides I don't believe he's never been able to get one with any other woman before anyway. I've heard that 'emotion connection' line lots of times. For me it's designed to get a guy out of a mess he's created by making the woman he messed over feel special and therefore forgive him. I've heard people use that to make their cheating sound less profound "there was no emotional connection like there is with you" etc.
That email was November last year, he's had years to have sex with women before that without "the problem" and besides he'd surely have discussed that problem a lot sooner if that was the case.
There are too many holes in his story, and while the other posters are very focussed on your beliefs which I agree are naive, the important part of all this is the lie and the fact you really can't trust what he's saying now because he's proven to be able to lie to your face about thing which are important to cover his own ass. The holes in his story really suggest to me that he's not being completely truthful with you now either, the things he's saying make no sense and really just sound like he's trying to cover his own ass here.
It doesn't matter how "out there" your beliefs are, you can believe that it's only good to have sex when you see a purple unicorn flying through the air if you like, that's your choice and he took that choice away from you by lying to you and if you ask me it was for the sole purpose of making sure he could have sex with you. Especially if his story about his erection problems are 100% true. I mean he finally found a solution to that problem, so he lied to make sure he could get sex from you. That's what I think.
You were foolish OP, you went to bed with a guy you weren't 100% sure about, you had a niggling worry that he may not have been completely honest but you chose to ignore those fears and here you are.
The reason you can't get it is because it sounds like horseshit, something is off with what he's telling you.
OP you deserve the complete truth here, and remember if it doesn't make sense then it's a lie, if it's not logical it's a lie, if something doesn't feel right about what he's saying it's a lie. The whole basis of your relationship is one big lie and he has a lot more to do here to prove to you he's worthy of keeping and he has lot to do to prove that he's not just lying again to cover his ass. He's lied to you for 8 months now, you have no reason to believe him at the moment.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (5 September 2013):
You're not really in a position to be pointing fingers. You might claim that this "belief" of yours is so important, yet here you are, not married, and not a virgin. There is no guarantee you will actually end up marrying him. To then claim some sort of moral high ground is hypocrisy.
"I believed him, not completely, but I didn’t have a choice."
Yes, you had a choice, but you decided your "very important beliefs" weren't that important at that moment. So you ignored it, because you wanted to hear what you wanted to hear.
"I thought guys could go at it whenever they wanted!"
No, they can't, and your boyfriend probably was a virgin in the sense that he hadn't had intercourse yet, but probably done everything else. He lied to you, not to save your relationship or because he loves you so much (excuses excuses), but because he wanted his cake and eat it too.
Sorry that you've come to find out that 8 months of knowing someone isn't really enough time to get to know them, let alone decide to marry them and throw your beliefs out the window for. You made a mistake. He made a mistake lying, you made a mistake rushing things and throwing your very important personal beliefs out the window. So you both messed up.
This isn't to say he doesn't love you, he probably does. You probably love him, otherwise your mind wouldn't have been so clouded that you ignored your gut instincts and slept with him without being married.
You both made a mistake, and you were both naive and new to relationships and didn't know how to react or how to behave and what to do and what not to do. Such as lying. Such as ignoring the red flags and ignoring YOUR wants and needs because you hope that things will sort themselves out in the future. Like when you slept with him before being married because you "think" he "might" be the man you will marry. I'm sorry, but exactly how important were your beliefs really when you dropped them so easily? Or maybe you were just so in love you didn't want to open your eyes to the fact that he might very well NOT be the man of your dreams.
Look, when I was 19 I made the same mistake, so I'm not looking down on you. But you need a serious wake-up call before things go even further downhill here. When I was 19 I accepted a proposal for marriage by my boyfriend of a whopping 4 months. My desire in life, my dream, my "personal belief" to use your terms, is to be married and have children. Yes, job career and all that, but I always knew I wanted children. Yet my boyfriend at the time, who asked me to marry him, didn't want children. Yet I accepted, because I was young, naive, in love, and thought I should just give up my dream because he loved me and I should make sacrifices.
Big mistake. But I found out that it was a mistake, and I left him. No man is worth giving up your dreams for, NO MAN.
If your dream is to only have sex with one man ever, then marry your boyfriend (or be single and live in celibacy). But prepare for a life of possible unhappiness, because of this principle of yours. He lied to you, you have only known him 8 months, which means you barely know him, and he's already crushed your feelings. I, personally, think that if you marry him you will not be marrying him because you love him. You will be marrying him because you feel you have to, because of this "important personal belief" that really WASN'T that important to you. It was a cute little dream. Such as my dream to marry my ex boyfriend. Once he proposed, I prepared my mind to only ever be with him. Leaving him crushed me! It really did, it broke all my hopes and dreams and lovely romantic ideas about love never dying but being ever lasting etc.
It's time you learn the same hard lesson: Just because a guy says the right thing to you at the right time, doesn't mean he's Mr. Right. The next moment you find out he wasn't who you thought he was. You already made the commitment to him, but that doesn't mean you can't BREAK the commitment.
Don't feel forced to stay with him if it isn't what you want. But then again, don't judge him too harshly, because you are the one who gave up your beliefs and threw them out the window, he didn't force you. You did that all by yourself, fully knowing that you weren't already married to him.
But it's not going to kill you to have had sex with more than one man in your life. You will certainly have a much happier life, and happier husband, and happier future children, if you marry the right man for you. And not just marry the first and best man you took to bed because of some romanticized idea about what "love" should be like (recognizable after only two dates, you somehow knew you'd marry him even before he asked you etc.). You're too old for fairy tales, this is how teenagers think. You're a grown woman.
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reader, k_c100 +, writes (5 September 2013):
 No not all guys can just do it whenever they want/feel like it - some men do have erectile problems and often if they are nervous, not that attracted to the woman they are with, uncomfortable, emotionally detached....these are all reasons why he might not be able to 'get it up'. Yes some men are horny all the time and will sleep with anything that has a pulse. But as your boyfriend proves, not all men are the same and some men require a deep emotional connection to feel comfortable enough to have sex with a woman.
You are really over-generalising here, and its very unfair - you cannot believe that all men are the same and tarnish your boyfriend with the same brush. That would be like your boyfriend not believing that you are a virgin because lots of girls are slutty and sleep around. How would you feel if he generalised like that and thought you were the same as all other girls out there who sleep around?
Every person on this earth is an individual, we all have our own beliefs and own values. Some people choose to have casual sex, others wait until marriage for sex - everyone is different so there is no single rule you can apply to all the men you meet.
In your boyfriend's case he failed to have sex with every woman he was with apart from you, which shows quite clearly that he thinks you are 'the one' and shows how special you are to him. Ok so he lied at first, but you can understand because no man would ever willingly admit he has erectile problems to a new girlfriend.
Yes you would have ended the relationship if you knew he'd had sex with other women, but he would have been equally worried that you would end the relationship if you knew he had erectile problems! 9 out of 10 men would be so embarrassed to admit that kind of thing, to a man there is nothing worse than having problems down there - it is a HUGE deal for them and not something they can openly talk about, especially to their new girlfriend who they are trying to impress.
It sounds like you have a great relationship and it would be so silly to let something so insignificant ruin things - I actually think because he is so different sexually with you compared to these other girls shows just how in love he is with you and how much he wants to be with you which is a great thing. He never managed to have sex with these women so he is still the man you thought he was when you first met, nothing has changed - he tried and failed to have sex, and now he is with you he can finally enjoy sex the way he always wanted to.
Forget about this and move on - he shouldnt have lied but due to the circumstances and knowing how precious men are about their privates it is understandable, and forgivable.
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reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (5 September 2013):
 He lied which is wrong, does not justify it but seems like he was not prepared to lose you.
You say that you believe in only having sex with the one man the one you plan to marry. Assume you break up with this BF, this belief will no longer hold.
Can you not find a compromise and forgive him and try and make this work. We are humans and we all make mistakes, but is this worth throwing away a relationship. Assuming that it is the only problem in the relationship.
Think about it, this relationship might just be worth fighting for.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2013): Men are not machines and some do need more than just to feel horny .. If other aspects in your life are good them I would have 'one' open discussion about it and them leave it.. At your age, you're asking alot of a male to be a virgin, I feel .. You have every right to have your values taken into into account ..But here is the whammy .. Would you rather have a virgin, whom you don't connect with the same way as your bf or would you rather have your bf whom by the token of the text tried but failed miserable at having intercourse .. If he didn't fully do the deed then, what he said was mostly true, isn't it ? I would lay it down to his past and look at how he treats me now? Does he lie? Do you trust him in everyday things? Are you both happy? Content? These are the key questions .. Take care and keep calm .. Fighting won't resolve this ..
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2013): You found proof that he needs an emotional connection with a woman to enjoy sex. He found it with you.
You are foolishly being too rigid about the virgin thing. He is a man. He was experimenting, and he was unable to perform; because he just wasn't ready. He wasn't with the right person.
You went snooping around in his business, then started a fight over something so totally immature. You're behaving like a girl half your age.
You're living in the 21st century, not in medieval England. Guys don't hold out to prove their purity anymore. He's not joining the priesthood for crying out loud.
Where on earth do you get such backward thinking? You have no right to impose your beliefs on others. Go looking for a virgin male. Find a needle in a haystack while you're at it.
Go dig for gold in your backyard.
He told you the absolute truth. He tried to have sex; but he "failed"; because he wasn't emotionally ready. If a silly inexperienced female asks a grown man if he's a virgin, 99% of men will say yes; if it makes you happy.
Especially if they really like you, but think you're a little daft.
Be as judgmental and prudish as you want to be; but you're also being foolish.
Men over 20 years of age are rarely virgins, and you are being totally childish and unrealistic. Live within your own perfect little dream-world; but don't expect too many adult men to be virgins.
You better be thankful for finding someone who loves you so; and has committed himself to you. Act your age, and think like an adult. That childish fairytale life you've created in your head will not stand up to the reality of life.
He could just as easily find another woman who is more reasonable and mature. You seem to lack such qualities.
When you find love, feel blessed and be thankful. You have it. So forgive him. He made you a woman, now act like one.
If he's not good enough for you, let him go. He deserves someone who behaves befitting her age.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2013): You can't control somebody's past. As you are in your mid- late 20s the chances are high that any guy you meet will have had sex with a previous partner. You're lucky he hasn't been married or had children!!I believe you put pressure on him to lie about his past - which is really none of your business - yes you have the right to know - but threatening him saying that of he wasn't a virgin then maybe this isn't the right relationship for you! No wonder he lied! You didn't come across as very understanding if you think about it. What about of you guys break up and you meet someone else then your whole beliefs about only having sex with the guy you'll marry automatically go out the window. And then if your future bf says to you he's been waiting for the right one before he has sex - what would you say? Would you lie to him and say you've been waiting too if you really felt he was the one, but he was putting these threats down about maybe you are not the right one for him if you're not a virgin?You might meet someone who's been married and had children down the line, but who also had the same beliefs about sex. But his marriage didn't work out.You need to get real. Your bf was only trying to protect his relationship with you. You sound a bit controlling, reading his emails too. I would just ease off and be open to his past, otherwise he may feel he can't trust telling you stuff and you might not end up being as close as you could be. Move forwards together. I would apologise to him and look at your life together, not what he did before you.Don't ruin something that you may never be able to find again, love is too precious. Apologise and make sure he knows he can be truthful without any negative consequences, make him feel safe :) good luck
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