A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So I've just found out, for the 1st time, that my boyfriend has lied to me.We've been together for 3 amazing months, it's left me feeling on top of the world.We had arranged to see each other tonight and tomorrow before he goes away for a week, and he was going to stay over, like he often does. He had work first so he wasnt going to be round til late on, but he said he would try and finish early.Then, 10pm comes, when hes supposed to finish and he texts to say hes still at work and will miss his train (he doesn't drive). I replied, but nothing back. The hours went by and I heard nothing at all. So eventually I rang his work ad they said he definitely left at 6pm.So it's left me feeling hurt why he lied to me that he was still at work, and obviously something better came up, I just think its the wrong way to start off a relationship, by lieing. So when I see him tomorrow I will definitely be having it out with him, we haven't argued before :-( I really thought we were both on the same page, we see each other all the time, any bit of free time and now it's left me wondering why has he lied.What is the best way to handle this when I see him? Thank you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2014): Hi all, OP here.Thank you for the great responses. I had only managed to read the 1st one before I spoke to him, but the confrontation went as well as I could've hoped.I stayed calm, asked him what happened last night and then challenged him, kept my cool, and asked him to tell me the truth. So yeah he admitted he went out and was gonna come to see me after but then said he got a little drunk and thought I might not wanna see him like that. He was worried about my reaction, as this is our first little obstacle.But I kept calm, and explained its ok to see his friends, I just want to be truthful and honest, I think we have sorted it out. It was all very calmly discussed and understanding on both sides. He knows I respect the truth and I also understand he needs to see his friends sometimes, so yeah thanks again. I think definitely then in thing here was to be calm, so thank you for your advice you wonderful aunts and uncles :)
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (27 July 2014):
 If you make it a big deal when you see him, then it only reinforces the idea why he has to lie about certain things, to avoid the drama. In this case, I think it's better to tell him it's okay to tell you the truth. You can handle not going out on dates all the time. Of course you have the right to tell him that lying is wrong whether it is a lie or he's hiding something. But if you want to be seen as a cool, secure level headed person, if you want to have more fun times ahead then the cool, calm approach is better.
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A
male
reader, devont +, writes (27 July 2014):
 With regards to challenging him, Aemita is right, you've got to keep calm when you ask him about it and try not to sound like you're accusing him. He will probably lie again to your face when you challenge him and it is really hard not to lose your cool when that happens. He'll probably get defensive and ask why you called his work, so it's not going to be an easy conversation. Try not to be passive aggressive, don't beat about the bush or be off with him when you first see him and him have to force it out of you - just ask him outright where he was last night, because you know he wasn't at working. It doesn't have to be an argument, if he gets annoyed, don't react. You've got the be the adult here, because he's been acting like a child. Also... honestly, is there 'reason' for him to lie to you? If he'd said he didn't want to see you, would you have let him? Personally, I think lying (other than the smallest white lie) is unacceptable, but maybe he felt like he didn't have an option? And are you going to be able to accept his answer? There isn't really a GOOD reason for him to lie to you... So are you going to be able to accept why he did it and the truth?I'm sure it will work out one way or the other, all the best.
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A
female
reader, Aemita  +, writes (27 July 2014):
 The best way is the Calm way. Simple and easy. If you are a natural calm person even better. But just because you're not making a scene, it does not mean you cannot be assertive(double negation I know). Stay firm and ask him all that you want to know. Let him finish, give him time to explain himself and listen, listen, listen. Then, after his plethora is finished, tell him your side of the story. You don't need to use foul language to express just how disappointed you are in his choice of "bending the truth".
I do agree with you though. Being at the beginning of the relationship and already lies appear. That's a red flag.
Hope I helped. Hugs!
T.
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