A
female
age
36-40,
*aringgirl
writes: I hope everyone is okay... I just really need some advice, the whole night i was awake and feel so distraught and I have just come here for advice and some kind ressauring words, just to make me stronger again or anything from anyone i would appreciate it so much.well here is a little background, Iam a british born raised in england of indian origin. I have been seeing this guy for one whole year , and before that we were very good friends, he is also british of indian origin. I love this guy so much , iam 22 years old and he is 23 . I have been through truamatic experiences, i was sexually abused as a child in my life,AND i Was made to feel guilty and ashamed that it was my fault, which now i know its not,but everytime i think of it , it feels like a knife going through my heart, my family have not always supported me and in addition to that i have serve shut down and have been ocd which takes over my life,but iam getting therapy finally,Iam very suscipious of people, and i find it so hard just to let anyone come close to me,because of myexperiences , it feels to me like eerytime I go out witha guy , they just all leave at the end. Finally I met him, and he helped me through the worst storm in my life,all that nagging fear and irrational thoughts he made me overcome all these, he made me so happy , he was like my life he has been good to , he gave me hope ,and a reason to be happy again. our relationship was a healthy one, a loving secure one.But yesterday , it just ended, I dont know how much people are aware abt asian /indian cultures..but anyway he comes from a very well to do, family and he is very family orientated and his mother is very over bearing.He always said that he will fight for me, but yesterday he was getting worried he calls me up and he was crying. His brother, who is 27 , its time for him to get hitched , his brother wnats to marry his girlfriend but his mother wouldnt accept it, she wants him to have an arrange marriage. Than my boyfriend goes, i cant do this anymore, I think we have to break up, its a wake up call if it happened with my brother it will happen to me, becuase i dont want to lead you on, I love you so much and he started crying but i dont think i can stand upto my mother, my mothers happiness is important to mine, i have to sacrifice my happiness for her and that means iam willing to walk away from you.'' i started crying and i was reasoing with him, i tried to make him understand your living in england in the 21century ,this is not india, this is england in a modern society, you hav the right to make your own choices, surely people puruse their own self interest. his mother is just overbearing but how is that fair, for him to walk away from me.surely if you love somone so much you pursue that person , because people are self motivated and they pursue their own self interest and do whatever makes them happy.I explained to him, that he doesnt have to go hurt his mother, but he can make her understand when the time But his mother, will only care for her own interest and not what makes her son happy.He called me in the morning and he says it over, but he tells me he loves me and he kpees crying, I told him it doesnt have to be this way, we are both from the same culture, same religion its not that a big of a obsctacle but he keeps saying you dont understand, I cnt hurt her or go against her words, but he keeps crying and telling me he loves me,He goes i made the right decision , I have to sacrfice and do the right thing for my family and my mum i CNT marry you.but when i spoke to my other british indian mates, they are much older than him and wiser and the guys were like well does he really love you as much as he claims too? this is 1960, he does have a choice, why is he being brainwashed by his family, he is a smart eductaed guy and he should know his choices.He says he will call me, and we can be friends but I can hear it in his voice, he keeps crying and he is really weak for me. But he says we cant get back together, I dont know what to do, we both crazy for eachother but he is not fighting for me , for our love,shouldnt he fight . I think he has lived such a pampered shelterd life, that his mothers words are like law. why are the man in my community so ignorant sometimes.what shall I do? my hearts in a predicament,its like I have lost my soul mate. Its so unbearable.any advice will be appreciated. do you think i should take his offer as friends and see what happens, my heart hurts so much, Any advice or kind words will be appreciate. thankyou for your time to read this
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female
reader, caringgirl +, writes (15 December 2010):
caringgirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just want to say a big thankyou for taking my time to answer my rather lengthy question lol,especially to Krsmouse, your words were healing and for the last few days i have kept myself busy and didnt contact him or call him, and he did come crawling back, like you said if he really loved me he would come back, if its meant and I did take everyones advice so today was a starting point, I think the time away even the few days taught him a lesson that he needs me in his life as much as I need him, and you are right to the anon reader that you hate spineless man , who cannot make their own choices and decisions and keep crying for things which are really in their control . well said :-) so thanks a billion you advices have really helped me see things in perspective
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2010): I agree with Unsure31 on that about MIL problem. A MIL who cannot understand her son or his girl is a pain in the *ss. Even if you get her to agree to your marriage, chance s are that she is always going to be a pest or see differences between you or your co sisters or taunt you etc. It is not going to be a happy occasion to meet her.
Its feels bitter I know. I have experienced something similar wherein a guy says he likes me but that we could get married only if his family approves of me. But this is India and it is different here.
Yet, I hate men who are in a way spineless, who cannot make their own choices and decisions and keep crying for things which are really in their control.
I suggest you still remain friends. But if something better happens in your life don't hesitate to open yourself to that.
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A
female
reader, UNSURE31  +, writes (11 December 2010):
 Ok I don't want you to take this wrong but if he is choosing his mother over you...then I think it may be best to walk away. My husbands mother hated me from the very beginning. She was against him and I getting married. We did it anyways and I am here to tell you that I am paying for it right now. Its a struggle everyday competing with her. She likes this, but I like that so he feels he has to always choose and if he don't go with my decision I am mad and his mother loves to say "well I am his mother who's side do you think he was going to be on". It drives me absolutely crazy. I just want to save you from a lot of heartache and Struggles on a daily basis. With a competing mother it will never be easy!!
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A
female
reader, KRSMouse +, writes (11 December 2010):
I have been and am in exactly the same situation with regard to family loyalties as yours (With the exception that I'm not of Indian origin!). Alike you, my boyfriend is extremely loyal to his family, and does as his Mum says, despite being a grown man.
I can only speak from my own experiences. Earlier this year, he left me cause his Mum didn't approve. He wanted someone he could take home with him. But after a couple of weeks apart, he came back. The truth of the matter is, you don't just stop loving someone, no matter what. He can try to shut you out, because of his family, but if deep down he loves you, he will come back.
If I were you, I would take up his offer of friendship, but give him space, give him time to wonder what you are doing, where you are, who you are with. If it is meant to be, he will come back. And if he doesn't, then as hard as this is, he doesn't love you enough.
Just try to stay strong, if its meant to be, it will be.
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