A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My current boyfriend keeps bringing up my ex and it disturbs him immensely because initially when we got together when my boyfriend asked about my ex i said he was nice and I have good memories with him and don't want to say anything bad!this disturbed my boyfriend a lot!what do I do?
View related questions:
my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2016): If this was the classroom, I would have my hand up! I got the answer ;) why? Because I too felt like that when I first got together with my boyfriend.
We were both very open & honest with each other, but where I only had hurt of my ex boyfriend who had lied, changed & cheated - it made it easier for my boyfriend to hear of it.
However, like you, my boyfriend didn't have negative things to say about his exes! Some yes, but one in particular, not and I got jealous ;)
It was fear! That is all... I felt fear I would lose him to her. It felt threatening to know there was someone else out there who had made him happy.
BUT - this is where it gets good :)
The more we spoke, the more we learnt about each other, the more WE built something together, the more dim she or anyone else became.
He taught me to trust again. He boosted my self esteem and confidence. With him I leant what love really is. He wasn't going anywhere! Through good & bad, he remained consistent, and he stays true to his word. A real man and gentleman. I love him, can't wait for him to get home and appreciate him all over again ;)
Something he said at the time that really helped me:
"Remember, those people in our past helped shape us into who we are. Good or bad, we learnt lessons along the way and now here we are due to them."
Plus, he would tell me he is WITH ME, not the past. The people from our past had their chance, it's over and it's the HERE AND NOW, THE FUTURE that matters.
The above two comments are what fixed it for me. I had trust issues, as did he, but together we have both been true to each other, supportive and loving, and here we are all these years later and it's like that never even happened but it did. It's like a lifetime ago as I'm so strong, secure, happy and in love now. He is the best thing that ever happened to me :)
So, your boyfriend will get over it too, if you are understanding that it's just fear & insecurity speaking. Assure and reassure him HE IS YOUR PRESENT AND FUTURE, if he wants to be, and the good kind nice ex is just that, an ex. You are no longer with him, he is in your past. He helped you become who you are, but it's over. It's now about the two of you.
If you don't dismiss it, but speak with confidence and love, he will grow and his feelings will get stronger for you and his fears will diminish and evaporate. We can be in a few short or long relationships and not grow at all, or you can be with the right person or relationship where you are given the security to explore yourself, your feelings and really grow as an individual and blossom.
Hoping your boyfriend soon realises there is nothing to fear so that you can enjoy the here and now.
Have fun on this journey of love, life and discovery ;)
A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (15 January 2016):
 He is likely hung up on your comment about your "good memories" of your Ex rather then your ex himself. He probably translates "good memories" with a threat to his relationship with you either because: you two don't have sufficiently many memories and/or your "good memories" could one day be reactivated such that you may dump him over your ex. Basically, he translated "good memories" as a threat. You may want to find a way to convince him that these two possibilities are not an option for you. You could even ask him as to what would it take for him to be convinced - besides time and your commitment - so that he will stop translating your "good memories" as a threat.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (14 January 2016):
 Im sure he has had a past gf and it hasnt been all that bad either it's just that he seems all that bit too much insecure. Perhaps it would be helpful if you asked him exactly why it disturbs him so much and take it from there. Could be he is worried about there being a chance of reuniting or that there is a small part of you still invested in him? If it were me I would open the opportunity to explore his feelings to get to the bottom of it with the condition that from that point on it is put to rest otherwise being constantly brought up for discussion might start chipping away at what you have or are trying to establish with your new bf. Good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 January 2016):
 I would point out that the ex is part of your past, you and him didn't work end of story, and that you are DONE discussing him.
If he doesn't STOP bringing him up, ASK him why this is such an important issue for him. LET him put words to it. And then ask him how HE would feel if you constantly NAGGED him about his ex(es).
Just because you don't hate your ex or talk smack about him, doesn't mean you haven't moved on and stopped caring about the ex.
You BF needs to get a grip.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (14 January 2016):
 There is not a lot you can do in this situation. You where being honest with your boyfriend, which was the right thing to do. Was it hard for him to hear? Yes it was because being your now boyfriend he doesn't want you thinking fondly about your ex, he would much rather you hated him. This is him being insecure in himself, and feeling that he might not be good enough which is very sad.
The next time he brings up your ex, tell him you are over your past and that you would prefer if he left it at that. Let him know how much you care for him.
...............................
|
