A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello,My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years and we live together. He is from another state and the first time I went home with him about a year and a half ago, I ran into some unexpected and hurtful interactions.He wanted me to meet Byron and David, his gay male friends that were an on-again off-again couple. He built them up as super fun and I was pretty stoked to meet and hang out. We met David at a bar first while Byron finished up some work. Immediately, David was all over him, telling him how hot he was, how gorgeous, feeling his muscles, etc. At first, I chalked it up to flamboyance and a long-time-no-see type of thing. It proceeded to go downhill fast - within 5 minutes, David was telling my boyfriend how tingly his dick was for him, how hot his body is, asking him to flex and show off his underwear (which my boyfriend happily obliged) and this occurred for almost the entire 4 hours we hung out, even after his boyfriend Byron joined the party. I was appalled, but so shocked and thrown off and also did not want to cause a scene, so I just drank and let it slide in the moment. Luckily, Byron has boundaries, is super fun and respectful, so we hit it off great!Near the end of the night, David layed down on the couch and begged my boyfriend to cuddle with him - to which my boyfriend's reply was "I don't want to upset Liz (me)."I was exclusively with women before my boyfriend and have many gay male friends and had never seen anything like what I experienced that night.Once we returned home, I opened up the conversation with my boyfriend and told him how much it hurt, how disrespected I felt, how difficult it was for me to witness that, how I did not understand why he never felt the need to draw stricter boundaries, why he allowed and seemed to thoroughly enjoy this behavior. After all, they had been friends for more than ten years and this was obviously status quo for them. He ended up calling me fake and blaming me for not speaking up and drawing boundaries int he moment. When I told him that I was blindsided and also that it was his friend and I expected him to draw reasonable boundaries he expects me to draw in my friendships, he made excuses for the guy and said that it is just the way he is. He said he was joking when he used me as the reason not to cuddle.It caused almost six months of turmoil in our relationship.We recently visited his hometown for Christmas. Before we left, we made a list of people to see and things to do. I never saw the list, but we discussed it verbally and David and Byron were never mentioned as people to see while in town.The day before returning, by boyfriend calmly said "I'm going to call Byron," to which I replied "I did not know we were going to see tingly dick. At this point, you blamed me for not speaking up last time, so you need to set the boundaries for this visit or I will. I admittedly kind of lost it and almost went into a panic attack because I felt blindsided and it also brought back the experiences I had during the first visit.He proceeded to tell both of them that I am really jealous so David needed to cool it and back off. He in no way acknowledged the disrespectful and inappropriate behavior or lack of boundaries. To say the least, I could tell he was informed but he was still all over him, running his fingers through is hair, telling him how hot he looked, sniffing him and basically being attached to him - in fact, much more than my boyfriend allows me to attach to him (he doesn't like someone all over him and needs his space).It was a better experience that the first visit, but I don't want to know what could have been worse. It was certainly not ideal.I had another discussion with him and asked why he didn't draw any boundaries with David - he replied that he did his best and that it was just the way he was with everyone - he is a horndog who can't control himself. He was basically making excuses for him and blaming him instead of taking accountability for his own part in the equation, his own behaviors, and his lack of respect for me and my feelings. Despite my clear communication that I was not okay with it, he proceeded to blame me - they were on the list of people to visit, I just don't pay attention to anything so I did not see them there. I told him the trip was his to enjoy and I was along for the ride - he assume that meant I was okay with seeing David and Byron. Then he started putting me down in other ways which switched the topics of conversation, escalated, and he left for the night.I asked him what he got out of the relationship with David and he said that he used to go to gay clubs with both of them and they would pass on the straight girls to him (basically they were his wingmen) and he would pass on all the gay guys that hit on him. He then continued to say that he is really secure with his sexuality and that it doesn't bother him. I asked if he was flattered by it and he did not respond - he said he can't help it if everyone is jealous of him and everyone wants him.I did get the info from my boyfriend that one of the group's mutual "straight" married friends Brent had fucked Byron in the bathroom in David's house one night when they were drunk. This just brought home the fact that all Byron needed was the green light from my boyfriend and also made me wondered what happened in the past that he is not being honest about.I'm very confused and need some guidance. In the past, I've point blank asked my boyfriend if he is gay or has had any gay experiences and he said no to both questions. I feel the need to also mention that we both worked and hung out with gay men where we live now and one of the gay men we worked with thought he was hitting on him.We also went out with one of our gay friends - I was the only girl in a club packed full of gay guys dancing to EDM. He ended up getting too hot and took off shirt, making him shirtless and rubbing up against other shirtless gay men. I found this to be extremely odd.I'm not so much asking if you think he is gay but if these are normal interactions between straight men and the gay men who lust after them. Even if a straight man is secure in his sexuality, and even if he is flattered - where is the normal boundary?I'll also mention that I am a very fun, attractive woman who enjoys sex. He barely wants to have sex one time per week and I've had to make a big deal out of the situation to get that much. He generally only wants doggystyle and gets the most joy out of back door access if I allow it.HELP!
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female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (16 January 2016):
it sounds like he is gay but isnt comfortable with it. Your sexlife is very telling and no this is not normal behaviour for straight men who know gay men. If anything straight men would back off physically in order to avoid giving the wrong signals.
A
female
reader, SmartiePants007  +, writes (15 January 2016):
Nothing sounds normal with your boyfriend's interaction with his so-called friends. From what I have read, it sounds like your boyfriend is most likely a closet gay. He may like the idea of having you around to make him look straight but I think deep down he likes the company of men much more. Don't allow him to use you to hide his orientation. Find a nice, straight man who will honor you, want you and accept your boundaries.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2016): So sorry but where there's smoke, there's fire.Something went on in your bf's past that he isn't telling you about nor will he ever tell you. Not many straight men I know are this close to gay men nor this involved in their lifestyle. And would never be encouraging the attention of a gay male, friend or not. They would steer clear and keep them at arm's length just because the thought of two men together is actually repulsive to most red blooded, heterosexual men.Looks like you have a cake eater on your hands. He likes the normalcy and societally acceptable facade of being with a woman while likely dabbling in gay encounters as a secret, alternate lifestyle.He may care about you but not enough. His needs and wants are more important. He will never stop his behaviour for you. You can keep rehashing this same, old, tired argument for years and it will continue the drive the wedge even deeper.The way he has sex with you is suspect. Dead giveaway if you ask me. A red flag about where his sexual tendancies do lie. You see, all of these points you mention are like putting the pieces of a puzzle together. I am betting there is more going on with this gay friend of his than you know. Either past or present or even possibly future.Most straight guys don't dance in gay clubs even if they are secure in their sexuality. They especially don't take their shirts off and rub up on other shirtless (gay) men.These are all clues for you to sift through. If they were circumstantial evidence, they would paint a pretty damning picture. I'd say he would be convicted of being gay or bisexual at least. I don't believe he is totally straight, I'm sorry to say.So what you need to do is give him an ultimatum. Sounds harsh but it will tell you how important you really are to him. Tell him it's either his gay friends and "lifestyle" or you. Because it is going to eat away at you to keep seeing his gay friend continuously pawing at your bf and your bf encouraging it. You will keep getting upset about it and you will keep fighting with him but things will never change. Do you want that kind of conflict? Which never ends? And becomes a vicious circle?It will drain you of your happiness and leave you stressed, worried and full of anxiety. What kind of relationship is that? And he does nothing to make you feel better. To compromise. To put your mind at ease. That is his job as your bf. He is more concerned about dismissing your concerns and minimizing them to keep you off his back so he can continue having both worlds.He is selfish. Most likely does swing both ways. And if you allow it and enable him, he will continue doing what he's been doing all along. And getting away with it.Ball's in your court.You are in control.He doesn't want anything to change.But you do.Give him an umtimatum.Take a break from your relationship.I mean walk away.And let him think about what his choice will be.Just don't let him give you more lip service to lure you back to the same old bull shit.Just better to walk away. Believe me, in time you will be better off and much happier.Hope this helps. All the best. :)
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (14 January 2016):
 It could be that he is extremely comfortable with the same sex. I would find it odd that he takes his shirt off in a gay club and usually only wants anal sex. Does he show you affection in the bedroom? Does he show that he appreciated the female body?
It could be a case you are the cover up girlfriend, but I would ask myself why he would cover such a thing up if he is openly friendly with gay men.
Therefore he could be bisexual. He may very well want to be with you but he enjoys the thrill from male attention.
It could also be that he loves any attention and therefore he laps it all up whenever he can. I wonder if a man was all over you and telling you he was hot for you how would your boyfriend react?
It seems to me like he is not taking your feelings in to consideration which is very selfish off him.
I think you both really need to have a heart to heart with each other, and you need to ask yourself is this what you want for the future.
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