A
male
age
30-35,
*katori
writes:Hello all. I think this question might make me seem ungrateful, so first of all I want to say that I realise that I'm very lucky to have a beautiful girlfriend who I really care for. We met when I was 18, and I'd always been too shy to ask a girl out before her. After a fairly complicated year or so we started officially dating, and we've been together since.I'm now about three years into a serious relationship, and there are no signs that we'll break up in the foreseeable future. Which is good, and I really do feel very lucky to have her. But here's the problem. I had so little experience with women before I met her, and since then I've never been single. Single friends tell me I should be grateful to have someone, which is understandable. But I feel like I've missed out on a stage of my life.I went straight from being an incredibly shy and awkward boy who'd only kissed a couple of girls before, to being in a long term relationship. I'm such a different person now, much more confident and happy in myself, and when women flirt with me it's tempting to flirt back now that I'm confident enough to do so. But at the same time, thinking about it makes me feel guilty. And the person I am now is partly because of how good my current relationship has been.I feel like if I never get to experience what single life is really like I might regret it. But I also know if I walked away from my current relationship I'd regret that enormously too. I think maybe I'm being selfish, or it's just temptation the same as everyone in a long-term relationship feels. But I have no point of reference, I'm torn and a bit confused and I'm not sure what I want to happen next.If anyone has any advice, or similar experiences of their own they could share, I'd greatly appreciate it.Many thanks
View related questions:
flirt, shy Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, ova-valentine  +, writes (17 January 2016):
 Ask yourself this: Are you in love? Do you love the girl you are dating? If the answer is yes, do NOT break up with her just to date other people!!!!! There are a million girls you can date and only one that you will fall in love with. If you have s girl you love do not throw her away just to date other people. It could be the worst mistake you've ever made, honestly. Being in love is the whole point of dating. So I'd say you are lucky to have fallen in love with one of the first girls you have dated. Less breaking up, more love. If you have love, you don't need to throw it away.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2016): I did have several different partners (no one night stands etc I was in relationships with them all, albeit briefly!) and I like to think that it has given me more perspective and I am more willing to settle down now, because I have been there and done it already. I've had bad relationships and good ones, good sex! Bad sex! So I feel like I have a better idea of what I want than say, when I was with my first ever boyf. I would be wary of settling down with someone who had only been with me as I would fear they might have thoughts along the lines of exactly what you are saying in your question. Its up to you but my gut feeling is if you are pondering these ideas its better to be honest with your girlfriend. There are some people that do stay together forever with their childhood sweethearts, but from what I have seen- this is not usual
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2016): Hi there,It could have been my fiance writing this!We met when we were 20 and fell for each other. It was amazing. I'd had prior relationships but I was his first everything. A year into our relationship, he broke up with me because he wanted to sow his wild oats and prove something to himself and the world by having many hook-ups. I was completely heart broken as you can imagine because he was everything I wanted.So we broke up, I wished him well, he went to study abroad and was free to meet lots of women. We stayed friends and he skyped me every single night. I was still the first person he texted or called every time something great or bad happened. I moved on with my life and so did he, going out on dates etc. But he'd skype me after every single date and complain that there was no spark or whatever. We carried on in this weird limbo for about 6months at which point he flew to see me and proceeded to say he'd made the biggest mistake of his life by breaking up. 6 years later we are engaged and having the time of our lives.He broke up with me not because he was unhappy or missing something but because he thought that's what you're supposed to do, have lots of partners when you're young. He had insecurities as well when we started dating but blossomed a lot in our first year. He now found himself with confidence and experience so he felt he needed to prove to himself that he was no longer a nerdy, timid teenager but a man who can get the girls. The breakup is one of his biggest regrets in life. Fortunately, we pulled through it. But he almost threw away a great thing out of his insecurities.Are you very happy with your gf? Is it a healthy relationship with no nasty fights and recurring argument? Do you have the same values and vision of the future? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with her?Are there any huge aspects of her personality that you dislike?These are all questions you need to consider.You feel like you've missed out on a stage in your life and you might regret not having had the single life. What exactly do you think you're missing out on? What tangible benefit do you think being bachelor would offer you personally? You can't have everything in life. You've probably never been to Indonesia or Zimbabwe. But does that affect your happiness? No. You probably don't speak 6 languages. Do you regret that? It doesn't make sense to regret missing out on something you have no concept of, on the off chance that it might be interesting for you, when you have something great at home. There will always be attractive women who are attracted to you. Even if you'd had many prior partners, you would still have to turn them down to respect your current relationship. That attraction to other women will always be there no matter how many people you sleep with. Committed people consciously make the effort to channel that sexual energy to their partner. They look at the menu out and and about, but they dine at home, so to speak. I can't advise you to leave or stay but I've tried to give you different perspectives to take into consideration.After rereading your post, I'm rather underwhelmed by your description of her. You could well be talking about your sister or mother. She's beautiful and you care about her and you feel lucky to have her... There's no passion in your description. You can't stay with her out of gratitude, that will sour the relationship in no time and she will be deeply hurt to know that all these years you were staying out of duty. No one likes duty sex. You keep talking about how good your current relationship has been and how you might regret walking from your current relationship. Where is your girlfriend in this discourse OP? You haven't said you'd miss her or be devastated if you break up. Is that reflective of how you feel? What do you love about her? How do you feel when you look at her? Please don't say grateful and lucky. Or at least if you say that, it should be followed by 'in love,''happy,' 'sexually excited,' etc. Imagine your life without her. What does that look like? How does it feel?Good luck, be brave and do what feels right to you. Life isn't a checklist to tick as you go. Nor should you stay in relationships because everyone says you should. Welcome to adulthood where there's no script anymore ;-)
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2016): Your dilemma is not out of the ordinary considering your young age and circumstances.But let me tell you from someone who has been there. Albeit older and my experience happened after I was married for 18 years. You see, my now ex husband was my first. My first love. My first sexual relationship. My first everything. I wondered too what I was missing. If I should have dated more. And as time went on, I got ansy. Not because I didn't love my husband but because I felt I was missing out. And I wanted to know what it would be like to be with another man. In walks another man. A friend who I had known awhile. My husband met him a few times but he wasn't friends with my husband. Well I started to flirt with this friend and got closer to him emotionally. Eventually my curiosity and my craving to try something new led me down the path of temptation. I had sex with the other guy. I will tell you now that it was the worst mistake I ever made. My husband found out. And it wasn't the worst mistake because my husband found out. It was because this man did not measure up to my husband in any way. He wasn't all that good in bed either. And the sex he and I had never came close to the sex my husband and I had; even after many years married.So to satisfy my own curiosity of "did I miss out" I strayed from my husband to a man who did not compare. I lost my husband. He never forgave me. I can't say I blame him. And since we've been apart, I"ve missed him and regretted my actions for the last 8 years.My husband moved onto another relationship with a beautiful woman who seems to care about him and he is now engaged to her. While I am kicking myself for not being smart enough to know what I had. And it hurts like hell. If I could turn back time, I would have and SHOULD have appreciated that rare diamond that I had. I could trust my husband with all my heart. I can't say that about any other man.And it seems as if all this time, I have subconsciously tried to replace my husband with a man just like him. Only he does not exist. And every man I have been with does not compare sexually. They have all been lacking compared to my ex husband.I lost a diamond chasing stones.Remember that you could be losing the love of your life and remember whatever you do, it will be done and you can't go back.You are young but so many people have met their spouses at a young age and it was their only partner and years later they are still married. My mom met my dad at 17 and he waa her only. 50 years later they are still married.What do you value most?Remember that your freedom comes with consequences...Don't make any rash decisions. You do have A L OT to lose.Don't lose sight of that.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (15 January 2016):
 I have not been fortunate enough to get it right the first time. So I've had many lovers. Still I don't think you would regret it if your relationship is good. Of course everything has it's pros and cons. I know for men it is very important to know that they are attractive enough for various kinds of women and to have experience. However, being with your one and only for the rest of your life is an experience that many would envy too. You would appreciate and respect the sacredness of such a union. Your success of your relationship all depends on whether you could quiet your nagging voices in your head which tell you need to explore more.
I just wish you have more positive things to say with your girlfriend. She doesn't want to hear you say you want to marry her because there's no reason to break up, and you are supposed to. She's beautiful and the relationship is good so what more can you ask for. Of course women flirt with taken men more often than single men. Men in happy relationships have great auras and it emanates from within.
If you want to know what's out there, I can tell you the world sucks. People suck. You don't know how lucky you are.
...............................
|
