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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I'm so sad now!I've been dealing with a lot of insecurities and negative emotions, because I have low self esteem and lately it had been sabotaging my life, etc... I was just very low and had support mostly from my family and BF because I have no close friends.But now my BF dumped me. We had had our issues and we had broken up and made up several times, but I fee it's different now.He hated my past and the fact I lied about it. However as I learned that honesty is the best policy, I gave him the details he asked about whenever he wanted to. Last night was one of those occassions. He asked a bout a few details concerning my past, called me a whore and finished it... he then insulted me a bit more until I told him to leave me alone. I'm devastated, as he was my world and he knows it!The thing is, we had had this sort of issues before. However, as I was having self esteem issues now, I became moodier and stuff, and needed more reassurance and sometimes that annoyed him because I was always fearful of different stuff or putting myself down, so we'd argue over that because he hated that I was so negative. So he was kind of saturated of me being so down, and jealous, and insecure, etc... but instead of being reassuring he'd get mad so that made e cry, and it was like a downward spiral.Now he dumped me because he thinks I'm a whore because of what I did before. I can't believe it's over, and he seems to not care about having broken up, he's going on a trip and has lots of friends so I'm sure he'll move on in a matter of days! And it's especially confusing since he had told me just yesterda a few hours before dumping me that he wanted a future with me and that he loves me and he had been so swett it gave me hope it was a new beginning...I know I made mistakes, like being overly clingy sometimes or too insecure, and he put up with that (my mom said if he put up with that then he must've loved me a lot)... but I don't think what I did was half as bad to deserve this! He made mistakes too, yet he seems to be the one who has it easy in this break up...My self esteem is on the rocks now, I feel insecure and negative about everything I did before, and now even more because I feel ugly, stupid and like a whore!And I love him so much and I hate myself for it, because he's probably much better without me and probably planning what to do tonight (Saturdays were our special nights), how to move on, and very excited about his trip and leaving me... I, on the other hand, don't feel like doing anything, plus I have no real friends! I wanna die!
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insecure, jealous, move on, self esteem Reply to this Question
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female
reader, PaSpa  +, writes (14 August 2008):
It sounds to me like your ex bf is insecure. He feels intimidated by your past, like he can't measure up. He dwells on the past instead of the present. So many times people want acceptance but are unwilling to accept others; that's your ex. I'm sure he's not a saint himself. Keep in mind that there is no requirement to tell someone everything about yourself. It's okay to choose not to share, and in my opinion, (1) the past shouldn't matter and (2) it's none of his business anyway.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2008): I would never defend the way he called you names after finding out about your sexual past - that just is not right - but he has an absolute right to decide whether he wants to be with you or not knowing what he does - that is his absolute right
do i notice a gender split here? it tends to be women who have the largest number of previous sexual partners on these boards - and men who are hurt by that in the main
and it tends to be women who are saying - "ignore it it doesn't matter"
put it this way -if a woman met her mr right and thought of him as such for many months - then found out he had had 30 1 night stands - I'm not saying you have - just using it as an example ... so he had had 30 x 1 night stands and also gone to swinging parties etc - do not tell me that would not change her feelings about him - he would no longer be quite so mr right?
what she would think with this new info is that
a) he does not think much of women - apart from using them for his own pleasure
b) he does not have very high standards as he was prepard to sleep with anyone who came along
well the same thoughts cross a mans mind when he finds out miss right just isn't that right anymore
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2008): the problem for many men i guess is that they want to be the first one - or first ish one to have sex with the woman they meet and fall in love with. most men except the most conservative can accept though that there may have been other relationships before they met the woman - but many man find it very difficult to deal with the woman they love doing one night stands. the reason is it seems cheap and it devalues the woman in their eyes - that she would "give it away" so easily - this is especially true if the man has less sexual experience than the woman - which by a certain age is often the case. what a woman did before you met her should not matter - but it does - so all the claims of it made me what i am today etc - don't really change much.
I speak from personal experience - my gf told me when we discussed these things that there had a been a few relationships before me and a few stupid drunken one night stands when she was young an unhappy - and that it came to 10 men. as she was in her mid 20's by then - to me that did not seem in any way excessive. we went onto to have 3 children and then i found out the number was actually well over 30 - and though it should not have changed my feelings for her - i'm afraid it did
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A
female
reader, troubledintn +, writes (27 April 2008):
 i can totally relate to your situation...it is never wasy talking to someone about your past especially when you are totally in love with that person. you want them to love you back for who you are today and not what you did before them... i am in the same situation i was married and the man i have been with was married . we met fell in love and then both got divorced to be together. we ehave two issues my past and his exwife..everything else between us is wonderful. when i was married before at the end of my marriage i had a somewhat of an open marriage. but when i met this wonderful man i found everything i had always been wanting from a man in my life. now becasue of my sexual past he doesnt want me in his life. he asked about my life before him and i told him. it tokk me a while to try and talk to him about it because it always called me hurtful names and really made me fell like a piece of crap so that made it harder and harder to discuss with him . then he kept his exwife no the back burner talking with her about our personal issues which gave her i feel ammo to always put negative thoughts in his head about me because she wants him back. i have been so insecure when it comes to her. he says he loves me more thatn he ever loved her even thru there 13 yrs of marriage. but i cant tell. how i love this man is unconditionally... i would love him no matter and always stand beside him but he says he cant geet over my past even though that is how we met ... help i really am so in love with this man ... will he ever be able to get thru this and put it behind us so we can happy together like i know we already are in every other way................
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A
male
reader, danno38 +, writes (27 April 2008):
Im sorry for him calling you names and unfortunately I done the same thing when I found about my girlfreind, which was gonna be my wife, NOTICE: I said was gonna be.
What I would like to address is the difference in views that a simple man and woman have when it comes to this. ALl the women like the one above (Susan Strict) replies he wasnt worth having. Well to a fact she is right, but how does that make the man a bad person? Cause he called you names, YES. Cause he chose to go on with his life, NO. This forum is full of men finding out about their girlfreinds sexual past, im one of them, we all have skeletons, but how would a woman handle this if she was put in a mans shoes?? From what I have read, it wouldnt matter to most, all they say is "My past doesnt matter now, I'm with you know," I know cause I heard it over and over again. Well to most women it wouldnt matter, I guess thats how a woman is made up, the way her mind and feelings work, and if that is how a man is made up and how he sees things, WHY CONDEMN THEM SUSAN?????????????? Also, if the women found out their husbands or fiancee's was a swinger or had an open realtionship/marriage before them, and they done everything under the sun as far as sex goes, how would that make the woman feel if she found out her new hubby or boyfreind has had 3somes, 4somes, gangbags, you name, just think about, and im not saying you have "anonymously" but just a question in general im asking all the woman. Im a 37 year old man, and i have had sex with women, but never had a 3 some or 4 some, or all that and especially wouldnt do it with my wife or anybody i cared about....Thanks and Have a Nice Day.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2008): I'm sorry this happened to you. He totally should not have been calling you a whore and all that stuff, especially after asking you about it and getting an honest answer. But I do think that people have a right to decide they can't stay in a relationship because of their partner's past. Sexual past or otherwise. And I think people certainly have a right to break up with someone when they have been lied to about something that was obviously very important to them. Finding out that a GF's past is wilder than you had been thinking is usually a worse cut into a guy's heart than the past itself. Feelings of betrayal run DEEP on this. This was obviously very important to him. I think he should have asked you about your past very early in the relationship (and gotten either an honest answer or a "no comment" from you). After that he should have either accepted it and let the issue drop once and for all, or else he should have broke up with you over it rigth then before things had gotten serious. He's acting like he's over it right now, but I would bet he's really VERY torn up inside over it. I would bet he's trying hard as hell to act like he's over it because he's not at all. When a guy cares about a girl's past and she has a wild one, I don't think most women can even comprehend what a knife it twists into his back every hour of every day. (And having a mild past built up in his head, only to have that idea scrapped later, it hurts much worse.) He probably went through a lot of bad feelings up until now, and now he's breaking up with you because he just can't handle that hurt anymore. I don't condone the way he handled this at all, but I am saying that his actions probably came from feeling a lot of ongoing pain at his end too.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2008): Men really seem to struggle with the fact that their partners had a sexual past -it is a real ego thing for men - me included -
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A
female
reader, Susan Strict  +, writes (26 April 2008):
 Honestly, if he judged you for what you have done in the past rather than what you are now, then he's not worth having. The fault is his; it's in his head; it's not your fault.
If a boyfriend asks you for the details of a previous relationship then the ONLY answer you should be giving is "I'm with you now. The past isn't important" and if he persists then he's in the wrong not you. Yes it's acceptable for a boyfriend/partner/husband to know that you have had previous relationships and possibly to know why they didn't work out, but that's it. That's as far as it goes. It's not a matter of being honest, it's a matter of the privacy of intimacy between two people. He shouldn't be asking, any more than you should ask the details of his previous relationships.
Lying about your past is never a good idea - but that's not the same as refusing to give private, personal details. Because it's unreasonable of him to ask, it's absolutely reasonable of you to refuse to tell.
Moving forward - you can do it. You know that this break-up was not your fault. His behaviour was unreasonable, even if you made some mistakes (we all do). You implied that you have had a few relationships previously - well, that's good not bad. It shows that young men have found you attractive enough and interesting enough to want you. The right one for you is out there somewhere, and sooner or later you'll find him or he'll find you. Watch out for those who are so shallow that all they want to know is what you have done before - they're not worth the effort. When the right one arrives he'll want you for what you are, not what you've done.
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