A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years, and living together for almost 2 years. He has a young daughter from a previous relationship and until recently things have been great between her mum and my boyfriend. Last month, a huge fight kicked off when her mum decided to take a job that is 50 or so miles away, which means that my boyfriend will only see his daughter on the weekends and not during the week like he has done for the past four years since they split up. Their daughter is 8 years old, and he simply isn't happy about a massive change to her routine at the drop of a hat. I understand where he is coming from but I also think that his ex has a great opportunity with this job, and we would be able to drive over as and when we want, something his ex has tried to reassure him off since she took the job. She has been driving over for the past few weeks but plans to move in the summer.Now my boyfriend has been in such a foul mood ever since. He refuses to talk about how we could make it work, or why it is a good chance for his ex and her family. He keeps saying he will fight her for full custody which is something we could never afford. I don't know how I can convince him that he will still see his child as much as he wants or that this isn't a nasty move by his ex. It's causing us problems because I'm actually on his ex's side, and his daughter has made no comment on whether she wants to move or not. She just asks if she will still see her friends or her cousin's. Please help me find a solution to this. Its driving us apart and I really don't want us to argue over this anymore.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2014): As a UK site user I just to add a point that maybe some may not be aware of for the sake of clarity. This is not an answer to the question, rather some additional general info. 50 miles in the UK is considered quite a journey to be fair. In the US/Canada for example people are used to travelling hundreds or thousands of miles as its a huge country. Most US states are bigger then the England. As SVC has stated for many people that's a commute to work. Multi lane Freeways, big cars, internal flights, etc make that a lot easier. Not perfect but easier.In the UK our roads and public transport system just isn't on the same scale. Our rail system is dire and its very rare for people to fly across the UK as it is too small to make flights economical in that way. Driving around the UK involves either being stuck on our dated, badly overcrowded motorways which are usually clogged up with road works, or using what we call A or B roads which are winding, bumpy, often badly surfaced and overcrowded with cars. Our motorways only reach the major cities with many of the towns and cities only reachable by much smaller, lower speed roads. Most of us rarely commute more than about 20 miles by car to work. This week I drive from Birmingham to Manchester. Total distance around 50 miles. It took me three hours. A friend of mine from the US was shocked when he stayed with me recently as to how long it took to get a few miles by car. I am not saying this to defend the OPs partner nor to suggest a fifty mile journey is too far for him to see his daughter. I just wanted to make the point that fifty miles in the UK is considered quite a distance in such a small country.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (23 May 2014):
 While I understand his concern and pain he's way over reacting. 50 miles a a commute for some around here... and besides as she gets older she won't want to spend so much time with daddy and he will have to get over that too.
the ex sounds fair and reasonable to me and maybe he can figure out how to be a freaking grown up and share custody so that she's with mom most of the time and dad for summers and vacations...
BUT it's NOT your place to fix it and I cannot improve on
Tisha's comments... this may be one of the reasons his ex is his ex... he reacts badly to stress and not getting his way.
Read what Tisha said a second time and put my name on the end.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2014): This will have to be worked out between your boyfriend and his child's mother.
This is a shock; because it's human-nature to initially be resistant to change. We usually adapt. He can always compromise; and move a little closer.
The better the career opportunities for his daughter's mother, the better-off she is financially. She can contribute more to offering their child a more secure future. By improving her earning-potential; she improves her own financial stability and independence.
Jobs are hard to come by. If you can find a good one, you're wise to take it. They aren't always within a few miles from home. Sometimes your only option is to go where you can find one; or seize the opportunity, if one is offered.
He can't deny her that. Fifty miles is not really that much of a drive. If he had to take a plane; I could see his point. Yet 50 miles can be covered in less than an hour; when traffic and weather conditions are favorable.
I think he is being a little unreasonable to his ex, and to you.
All the same, we have to also be considerate of the fact that he will be that much farther from his daughter; when he can see her anytime, with minimal travel at the present.
He can always get to her easily during an emergency. Distance from your child is a parent's nightmare; but kids go on field-trips for far more distance than she's moving.
We can't dismiss his feelings; as if it makes no difference. It does to a parent. His ex has no obligation to limit her career-opportunities. This is just one of the unfortunate realities people face when they have to separate with young children.
I think he will calm down over-time. If he raises too much of a stink, he it is going to blow-up in his face.
He is going to damage the civil connection he has with his ex, which is rare. He is going to cause his daughter to become upset; when she isn't so much at the moment. In addition to all this; he is going to cause friction in your present relationship.
I can put myself in his shoes, if this means seeing less of his daughter; but I don't see that much of a big deal if it's only about 50 miles or so. He's being a bit of jerk.
He should read some of these posts and maybe it will get him to calm himself down, re-think his approach, and re-adjust his attitude.
You aren't at fault, but you'd be better off not to choose sides and stay neutral. Try to calm him down, and don't be too opinionated. This is a matter between parents.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 May 2014):
 You're not the one who is supposed to find a solution. That's his and his ex's job, alas. You may be on the cusp of discovering his dark place; that is, why he and his ex really broke up....
I think the healthiest thing for you is to stop internalizing this as something that you can influence or change. Don't take his ex's side, don't take his, if you don't agree with it. Become neutral. If you want to take a side, take the daughter's side. She's the one being shuttled around, through no fault or choice of her own. What is best for her?
If he wants to fight for full custody, let him do it. But move out first, so your finances are not affected.
If you don't want to argue about this anymore, simply stop engaging him on this. Don't debate, don't offer solutions, just listen and let him know you heard him by paraphrasing his comments back to him.
This is not your fight, this is not yours to solve.
By the way, if she is has given a lot of notice and isn't planning on moving their daughter until the summer, this isn't "a drop of the hat."
If you want to be proactive about this, you could look for a job in the same town as his ex so that if you two move to be closer to his daughter, you could support him while he finds his own job.
I guess at some point he and his ex will have to come to terms with the idea that what is best for their daughter should be the priority.
Back to my original point. You are not the one who should be solving this. You should be paying close attention, taking notes and being neutral or the daughter's advocate. If he's taking his frustration and anger out on you, well, don't allow that.
Good luck!
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