A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I was in a long distance relationship for a little less than a year. My ex (feels weird to write that) was in a different country. I was very fond of him, I cared about him, and I know some people wouldn't call it love, but I loved him. I never met him in person, though we were planning on it. We knew that if it were to work out, one of us would eventually have to move and we accepted that. We never fought or had a bad moment.However, I broke up with him. I felt insecure with myself, with the relationship, and was struggling with thoughts that I could have someone in person. This guy was SUCH a gentleman, but I began wanting to date and find someone who I could spend time with... with who we could have a physical relationship that I am DYING for.I loved the guy, but I just couldn't handle it anymore. And I feel very bad. I feel like my reasons of ending the relationship because i was insecure and wanted someone in person (though I didn't tell him that I wanted to date and find someone in person... thought it would hurt him too much) aren't justified. My friend say I was completely right for ending it. But it just feels wrong.I do feel like I have weight off my shoulders and that I'm free, but I still feel numb and that maybe I let a good thing go.I don't know, I guess i'm looking for advice, comments. Did I do the right thing or should I have stuck with a LDR if things were going smooth?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 May 2014):
 I too think you did the right thing.
I had an LDR with my spouse before we got married. We were a mere 2 hour car ride apart and we had met in real life before we started our affair... and yet it was still hard.
True LDRs IMO are relationships that occur when two people who know each other in real life decide to date.
Meeting someone online but not in person is not a good judge of if the relationship will work in real life as folks are different online than in real life even if they think they aren't. Until you meet in real life and spend serious time together there is no sense in making long term plans.
There is ONE goal of an LDR.. to NOT be LDR.
we have friends who have been LDR from day one and married last september and are still LDR.. they see each other every weekend and in two years he can retire and move to be with his wife full time.
My son is currently short term LDR because his fiance just moved 700 miles away... they are holding on until July when he is moving to be with her.
Meeting someone online but not in real life is a lovely fantasy... you really can't consider it real till you do the hard stuff of meeting in person and seeing if it can really work.
Again, ending it with a guy you have been "dating" for a year but have not met in real life seems to be a good plan.
best of luck.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 May 2014):
 I think you did the right thing for yourself. You knew being in the LDR was keeping you from finding a companion to be with in person.
Like any breakup, you will have some unsettling feelings as you mourn the end of the relationship. This will pass in time and you'll reach a new 'normal' and with the knowledge that you did the right thing for yourself (and honestly, for him as well).
Best wishes to you.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978  +, writes (22 May 2014):
 Absolutely you did the right thing! Realistically the relationship you were in was never going to work. If you lived in two separate countries then it would be unrealistic to expect one of you to leave behind your job, family, friends and the life you know to be with someone in a very different culture and country. Even less realistic would be to move abroad and give u so much to be with someone you have never actually met.
This guy was basically a pen friend, someone to talk to electronically or via telephone. Relationships need much more than that. If not sex then at least physical contact, kisses, cuddles, a presence. That was realistically never going to happen in this case.
Even if this guy was Peter Perfect that is no good if you are lonely, alone and have no one to be there for you in a real life situation. LDR's are difficult for the most experienced, committed couples. I read a great statement on here from one the regulars of this site which was something along the lines of:
"Successful LDR's are those that have one aim in mind...to stop being a long distance relationship!" That is very true. In your case you and this man live in two separate countries.
I also think you need to be a little more realistic about your feelings for this man. I know from my own experiences of internet dating that you never, ever actually know someone until you have spent time with them in real life, face to face situations. No matter how often and for how long you communicate, nor what their personality is like via text, email or phone, we can often find the reality of real life to be very different. We need to "click" with someone: their mannerisms, the way they treat others around them, their body language...non of which can be gleaned from non face to face communication.
I am not trying to put a damper on your feelings for him, please don't take this the wrong way, but until you have met him face to face and spent time with him then you are basically in love with an idealistic image of him based on his non face to face contact, and your imagination filling in the gaps.
Not being nasty but he could have bad breath, he could be rude to waiters or bar staff, or could be lying about his age or his career. Until you have spent time with someone in the real world we only know the persona they have projected through non face to face means. I know form my own bad experiences that often the people I have got to know and liked so much online or via text, have proved to be very different and disappointing in real life.
You need to find a real boyfriend, someone nearer to home who you can go on dates with, make love to if its what you want and take out to events or introduce to your family and friends. You need a real partner, not an email address or text message.
Mark
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