A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:*First off, just for clarification purposes, I am a female, 21 years old, and I'm in a relationship with another girl. When I first met my girlfriend, it felt like something straight out of the movies. We were very much in love with each other and things were really pleasant and sweet and good. As time passed however, I discovered that she wasn't exactly the person that I thought she was. After about 6 months together, she disclosed to me that she used to be a "bad" person. She told me that she used to beat up her girlfriend's ex-es just for the hell of it. She told me that she had anger management issues; that if someone pisses her off, she'd beat the crap out of them without thinking twice. She told me that she used to get into a whole lot of trouble with the authority and was always going to clubs and getting drunk. I was horrified when she told me all these but she convinced me that she had changed ever since she met me. Of course, being the idiot I am, I believed her. For months after her declaration, the relationship was still going strong. She showed no signs of her past behaviour, which led me to strongly believe that I HAD indeed changed her. But then, about 3 months ago, she started getting into trouble again. She started getting drunk all the time and turning up at my doorstep in the wee hours of the morning, expecting me to welcome her with open arms. I don't drink and I still live with my parents so every time she turns up, it was frankly like a nightmare for me. I mean, it is bad enough that my parents disapprove of her and our relationship in general. Now she turns up at my house drunk! I keep trying to talk to her and work things out and she tells me things like she will change but it just never happens. A week ago, she called me up on the phone, sounding frantic. She told me that the police are after her because she punched a girl in the face (the girl had commented on the way she dressed, apparently). She said she couldn't go home because the girl she punched knows where she lives and will tell the police. She said she needed a place to hide out in for a while. Of course, being the girlfriend, I had to relent, even though deep inside, I felt annoyed with her. How could I say no? What kind of a girlfriend would I be then? It was while she was sitting at my couch, reeking of alcohol and looking dazed that I panicked, realising that if the police is somehow able to track her to my house, I would be in trouble too for 'hiding' her. I don't know, I felt so bad for feeling this way but it hit me SO hard that I didn't sign up for all these crap. I felt like such a bad person because I know that when you love somebody, you're supposed to do all you can to protect them and keep them from danger and you're supposed to go through thick and thin with them. But at the same time, there was this really loud voice in my head screaming at me, asking me what the hell am I doing in this relationship? I am not happy anymore, and neither is she. All that's happening between us is her getting into trouble and then leaving it to me to save her ass. She's in a rough spot now. She's still dodging the police everywhere she goes and drinking like there's no tomorrow. Just two days ago, she slapped me and pushed me against the wall, threatening to choke me when I tried to take the bottle away from her and refused to help her buy another bottle of alcohol. That made me so scared of her. I've been thinking of breaking up with her. I honestly don't feel like I love her anymore, especially after she got abusive with me. I feel like I'm trapped and I need to get out. But at the same time, I feel like I shouldn't leave her in the lurch like that. She literally doesn't have anyone. I am all that she has and even though she has treated me like crap for the past few months, I don't have the heart to just leave. But at the same time, I just cannot stand her anymore! Am I right to feel this way or am I just being selfish? I'm in a dilemma right now and would really appreciate some words of advice.
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drunk, her past, live with my parents, trapped Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (23 May 2014):
 OK, honey YOU are going to end up in a FAR worse place then the one she is in right now, IF you don't end it.
She doesn't HAVE anyone because she TREATS everyone like shit or like her personalized punching bag, especially you. WHAT do you owe her? You life?
Talk to your parents, HAVE their support in the break up. That way IF she shows up at their house the know the score.
I agree that you should contact the police and get a restraining order if you can. And I agree that there is NOTHING you ca do for her OTHER then to continue to be her VERY own punching bag and scapegoat.
HER issues are VERY much HERS. She needs to REALLY work in them and fix them, because YOU CAN'T do that for her.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 May 2014):
 stop thinking of ending it with her and end it.. but go to the police and report the assault and get a restraining order so she does not come after you which I am betting she will
it is not your place to fix an alcoholic (which is what she is) and you do not need to be dragged down with her... which is what is going to happen.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (23 May 2014):
You've tried to help her, I'm sure, but she needs to want to help herself. If you stay she'll do her best to drag you down to her level.
Plus, when someone abuses you, you have to leave. It's unfortunate that things are going this way for her but she's an adult and should be able to look after herself.
Don't wait until she really screws things up before you do what you know you have to do.
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