A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This isn't really a big problem, but I would like some advice. My boyfriend and I argued tonight because he said he is upset that I never sleep at his house. He said he feels used. He said he thinks we don't see each other enough. The thing is, I see him a lot more than I see anyone else. I recently got a new job. I work there five hours a day, five days a week. I get up early on the days I work, so I am usually tired when I get home. I have seen him every night over the last week. On the days I work, we spend about four hours together. Before I got his job, we spent between 6 and 8 hours a day together.I don't like his house, and neither does he actually. He doesn't have any heating in there, and he sleeps on a mattress on the floor. The only other place to sleep is the sofa. It gets very cold in his house sometimes. He is unemployed. He is on Disability Benefits. I have always been used to living comfortably. I have a nice bed at home, and heat, hot water, and I am not used to being uncomfortable. I just prefer to go home at night. I'm not sure if he will leave me because of this. I think we see each other a lot more than other couples do, and I see him more than I see anyone else. We don't go out together much either. I don't know how we can solve this. Would you be upset if a partner didn't want to stay over at your house?. I don't think its a big deal, to be honest. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2014): My partner gets upset because I don't stay at his house enough. I really don't see why either. I am quite a homely girl and like being at home with my mum and all my comforts around me. He on the other hand is a lot more independent and used to not being at home that much. I stay at his once a week, and he stays at mine two or three times a week.
To me, it's not an issue. I don't have as much money as him and it's costly to travel. Also his house is extremely tidy and I am quite clumsy and messy and feel a bit uncomfortable (like I can't spill or drop any crumbs anywhere without it being chaos). He has his own room and I have to share so I see why he would want me there more, for more privacy but that doesn't seem like a huge deal to me, however, for his sake I am trying to spend more time at his because it is important to him. I think if it is really important to him and you genuinely care for him a lot than one night of being uncomfortable every week or so won't hurt you, he will probably really appreciate you for it.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 August 2014):
 No, I would not be upset if I knew I have no heating, no hot water, and only a matter on the floor as a bed. I would understand that other people may not like / be used to / WANT to live like a squatter, and I would respect their need for a minimum of comfort and hygiene. And I would not play the " I am feeling used " card knowing that the other person is giving me at least 4 hours of her time every day, which is a quite a lot for a person who works.
I would understand that " love " does not mean that they have to give me every single free moment of their day, particularly if these moments have to be spent in such squalid ,unhealthy surroundings.
If he does not understand that and ends up with living you because of it- call yourself lucky. If he hasn't got hot water, I guess his personal hygiene may be as spare and minimal as his abode...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2014): You can't help the fact that you can't see him as much because of your new job...and that is something he will have to accept. At the risk of sounding spoilt, his living conditions sound absoloutley ghastly, and I couldn't blame you for not wanting to stay there. If you are tired after a long days work, you have every right to want to go home. Why can't he come see you at your house? The relationship sounds pretty intense, as you say you see him more than anyone else etc, perhaps he is struggling a bit with the fact that the intensity of the time youse spend together has lessened? You need to just explain to him that work and traveling to work is exhausting, and you really need to go home and rest after. If his issue is not seeing you, then suggest he comes to yours. If he still claims he doen't see enough of you, then dedicate the weekends, or a day you don't work, to spending time with him. That way he can't say you don't make time to see him.
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