A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am 32, I have been with my boyfriend for coming up to 3 years, he is 36. I have my own house/mortgage, he lives with his parents but had previously been living in NZ (Came back coz his mum is ill). Although we'd not been dating long he moved in when covid happened coz I work in the NHS and didn't want to just be at work then home alone, and it also helped him protect his mum coz he was still able to go in to work. I noticed then that I was struggling with certain things about him, he lacked any oomph or excitement for anything. I also realised he wasn't great with money, no savings, buying crap, buying takeaways on days I'd been working and he hadn't coz he couldn't be bothered to cook (this was like 3 to 4 days a week). I also noticed that he wasn't actually affectionate with me unless he wanted sex..at that time was only once a fortnight. We would wake up in the morning and he would just roll over and get out of bed without even acknowledging I was there, then not talk to me for hours. It honestly felt like he was stonewalling me. I would try and talk to him make him a cuppa or jus something to say I acknowledged him but nothing in return. I'd come up with ideas on things we could do to keep entertained etc and he would look like a sack of spuds and reply "yeah could do".This obviously didnt go down well with me, I'm a person that is constantly striving to improve myself whether it's diet, exercise, spirituality, hobbies. He just sat there scrolling on his phone or playing xbox.We had arguments, chats etc about it all and it eventually broke us up for a bit. I grew too resentful of him, too frustrated. But being with him helped me with some stuff.. I learnt to chill out a bit more and to be less on it all the time. And he changed for the better a bit too, he's got a bit better with money, he can talk and argue better about issues.We got back together after a break, but he's continued to live at his parents while we work us out. I've been receiving psychotherapy for years and also started seeing a psychosexual therapist, after a while we decided to do couples therapy together. It's helped but so far we're just working on the small stuff.He tested positive for covid the other week so I said he could stay at mine to protect his mum, and obviously I then caught it. Him staying at mine this time round has basically highlighted so many issues again.He hasn't offered any money towards gas, electric etc. He has bought some food (no takeaways) but has been easy but expensive food...cheeses etc. But I've still had to go buy the basics...tea bag, fruit n veg etc.He still doesn't have any oomph for anything in life. His only hobbies are diving and skiing yet he won't go to the nearby centres coz they're not as good as the real thing...yet he wont save to do the real thing. He gets arsey with me when I suggest stuff coz it's boring...I suggest things like meditation practices, manly crafts, different sports etc. He just turns his nose up at everything. In lockdown 2 years ago I bought him a buyagift voucher so he could go up in a helicopter (something he's always wanted to do)...or he could use it for absolutely anything...he knows this...but the voucher has almost expired and he's still not used it, not even looked at what he could use it for. I suggest or remind him of stuff and he agrees then never does it. Then gets arsey when I mention it again. The gift voucher is a perfect example...he got arsey when I told him there's only two months left on it....ffs that's my £200 wasted if he doesn't book it! One old issue we had was that he is not sociable, I have social anxiety but always make an effort to talk to people so that I can improve my anxiety. He literally would stand there like he's chewing a wasp...it was so bad it actually looked like he was being intentionally rude at times. We talked about it turns out he's got anxiety too. And now he does make an effort to at least look cheerful and I try helping him in social situations. He has improved so much and he's done a few festivals with me now that have gone well.But there's still the issue about money...Will he ever improve his finances. And will he ever get excited and motivated about anything. I'm starting to feel like I'm being played like a right mug. Then I feel bad for feeling and thinking so negatively towards him at times. I think the relationship is at its end, but is there anything else I can do or say to make it click with him. Even as I write this I know the answer but just hoping someone has some insight that could help us. I do feel we got a lot of good stuff going going for us, but this bad stuff is bad to me! Although he says he doesn't want his current lifestyle...he won't change anything. He's a go to work, drink loads of coffee, smoke loads of roll ups to get through work. Get home and watch tv until bed kinda person. I'm not happy with that every god damn night of the week especially weekends!I am sooo frustrated. I dont want to think negatively of someone but christ he has the personality of a wet flannel sometimes. And how cruel is that to think that of your boyfriend!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2022): You say he is unmotivated but so are you. You are not motivated to be more picky about who you sleep with, move in with or date. You are not motivated to be more respectful of yourself and your time and your space and your money.
Motivate yourself to realise it is better to be single than with a boring guy, an incompatible guy or a loser. He is not going to motivate himself to try harder, he does not have to, he has you to do the earning and paying of bills!
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (2 October 2022):
 I'm intrigued that you casually mention, at the very end of a lengthy and detailed post, almost as an afterthought, "I do feel we got a lot of good stuff going going for us", yet don't mention ANYTHING good about your relationship in your post while listing many examples of what is NOT good. This would lead me to assume that the good stuff is not as significant as the bad stuff, indeed not even worthy of mention.
It always puzzles me why people go back to a relationship which failed miserably first time round. Would you read a book and expect a different ending, unless it had had a complete rewrite? Would you watch a film again and expect a different ending? Why would you go back to someone who disappointed you first time round and expect things to be different? Unless he has made a conscientious effort to change and got professional help to do so, any changes are going to be minimal and, I fear, short lived. (I do wonder if he suffers from depression but that is for him and a professional to explore.)
He is who he is. The only time you can change someone is when they are in diapers. There is a woman out there who will be happy with him as he is but that woman is not you. End this relationship before he drains you of energy and find yourself someone who is more compatible with you. I think you already know that is all you can do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2022): You just have incompatible personalities, you are not a good fit. He is 36 , he is not going to change, I mean, of course if he wants he might change some behaviours, some actions, like he might,say, drink less coffee or stop smoking, but he is not going to become all of a sudden more sociable or more spiritual or more affectionate. That's who he is ,his character,his personality, and if you cannot accept it ( not that you necessarily should ! ) you have to move on and not waste your time and his too. Anyway, unluckily if there were an approach to make him change some things for the better, yours is surely not the right one, because having someone always nagging and breathing on your neck and pelting you with suggestions for activities like a crazed day camp instructor is not going to work, in fact is going to make people put defenses up.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2022): If I had a dollar for every post we get from women who insist on keeping boyfriends that all they do is complain about. You wrote a very lengthy post pointing-out nothing but his flaws and inadequacies. You complained, complained, and complained! It is not your responsibility to change or correct the faults in other people. That's God's job.
You don't force a match-up with people who lack the kind of personality traits you want in a mate. It's one thing to date someone for short-term, then quirks really don't matter much; but it makes no sense to commit to a long-term relationship with someone whom you claim is bad with his money, has no ambition, hardly touches you, shows no affection; and someone you claim can't bring himself to do anything interesting. Then how did you remain with someone like that for three years? Why can't/don't you leave him?
You have no right to hold another person as your emotional-hostage to keep you company; because you fear being alone. Then do nothing but criticize them; while you consistently remind them of their shortcomings, and how much you're disappointed in them. You don't always have to say it in words, but you can imply through your attitude and moods when being around them. People read us, and interpret us through our signals and subtle suggestions as well.
Once you see consistent red-flags and dealbreakers, that's when you break-up. You have no right to redesign or do a makeover on someone you've discovered to be almost 100% incompatible. If you've pointed-out all these flaws to DC; then you must surely be informing him of your observations, expectations, and disappointments.
If you can write such a long post outlining his every fault and deficiency; I am almost certain he gets the verbal-rundown and a grocery-list of his faults on a daily basis. Always being reminded you're a failure is likely to wear a person down over the course of three years.
He's not the kind of man you want, so let him go.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2022): he is taking you for granted. you have done too much for him and hes lost respect in you because you stuck around while he treated you that way.
you need to end it and make him realise your value respect you!
google alex cormont on youtube relationship expert he will tell you all you need to know
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (1 October 2022):
 Why are you still with him when the two of you are SO NOT compatible?
You are JUST a convenient place for him to crash. you "mommy" him by accepting that he doesn't contribute much to the household, he doesn't seem to want to DO anything with, outside or even AT home.
It's good that you are in therapy and that he was willing to make changes but, HE isn't who you really WANT to be with and YOU are not who HE wants to be with.
He is 36! So no, I don't think he will EVER change into what YOU would like him to be.
I'd end it, take some time to be single and then STOP dating men who are NOT a good fit for you.
He is a round peg and you WANT a square peg - if you think nagging and hammering at him will make him fit, it really won't happen.
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