A
female
age
26-29,
*hisperingPines
writes:Hello all, this isn’t necessarily a love/dating question, but a friendship dilemma in need of advice. I don’t know who to ask because I’ve only got a handful of people in my life and they’re mostly guys and don’t really have any solid advice. Anyways, I’m a female, in the US, nearly 28. Here’s my conflict:My best friend, who is 37, has driven me halfway to insanity. For context, we used to work at the same place and that’s how we became “best friends”. I worked there 5.5 years and we became friends probably about 1.5 years into that. Well, 3 years ago I moved 100 miles north of where we were living. So naturally the relationship shifted since we no longer saw each other every day. I’ve gone there plenty of times and she’s come up here a handful of times to visit me. In the meantime, she blows up my texts EVERY day, with the most random, no point at all, pictures. Of the floor, of the desk, or the dog, plus like 20 selfies. It’s frustrating because she sends multiple messages back to back to back and the sudden noises trigger me hard and give me sensory overload so I always have to keep my phone on silence when she’s texting. In a typical day she’ll send me multiple texts telling me she loves me and how much she miiiiiisssses me. Which is sweet and all, until you do it all day every day. I’ve overlooked it this long because I just chalked it up to her just being who she is and that I should be grateful someone cares.This is where the big problem arises. I’m moving again, in a couple months. I’m moving across the country this time, 2500 miles away from where I currently reside. I waited like two months to tell her after I found out because I just KNEW she was going to guilt trip me every single day. And she dang near has. Mind you, I have health problems from surgeries causing me enough stress (on medical leave from work too), but I’m also a full time college student, and I also have mental health issues too. My mental health has been suffering due to the surgery complications and me being out of work. I didn’t need her constant guilt trips to add to what I’m already trying to handle/manage on my own. So I ended up telling her a couple months ago about the move, and she made sure to tell me every single time she bawled her eyes out over it, like I needed that to make my day. ??. When I told her I was moving, I made it EXTREMELY CLEAR that no one knew except like two people that she has no ties to. I asked her not to tell anyone, because I didn’t need it getting to the wrong people. I have reiterated this request COUNTLESS times since I originally told her.However, last week, I got a message from a contractor that used to come into our job that we both would help when I still worked there. He said “So I hear you’re moving”, and proceeded to try to be nosey and pry into my life, all whilst trying to flirt with me (for the second time). The next day, I’m randomly on Insta, and have a message request, from my EX’S very bitter, vindictive, psycho “baby mama”. From what I could already see before I opened the message, it started with “Are you still in Ga? I heard you’re moving” and then proceeded to make threats. I ignored the message and didn’t respond. That contractor ran straight to that girl and told her I was moving after he was told it the day before.Ever since then, I have been very agitated about this situation. My “best friend” has gone against my numerous requests to keep this one bit of my life private, and she betrayed me. As a result, I have unnecessary drama trying to push its way into my life. I feel very disrespected, because in my mind, if someone is costing me my peace, I don’t need that person in my life. She has messaged multiple times in the last week-ish time period, and I haven’t opened any of the messages (but I have read them). I honestly don’t know what to say to her! I’m disappointed and feel betrayed. Quite frankly, I don’t really feel the desire to be friends anymore. I can’t go to her and just talk about anything, like a best friend is supposed to be there for. We don’t talk about anything with substance, which is kind of how she thinks in general but I’m a very deep, critical thinker so I need conversations that stimulate my brain. We especially don’t have actual conversations now as of the last couple months because she’s married and having an affair and she knows that I don’t approve of what she’s doing (we discussed it when she first told me). Plus the constant guilt tripping about me moving adds to all the mental health things I’m trying to manage, now THIS most recent ordeal just piles onto everything. I’m so over it.Opinions? Advice? What should I say to her? I’m so frustrated and confused. I am horribly uncomfortable with confrontations due to a very toxic upbringing.
View related questions:
affair, best friend, flirt, my ex, period, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2022): I had a friend like this. She just about ruled my world for 22 years! Didn't leave me alone, was on the phone every day (this was before mobiles) gave me such guilt trips that it was easier to spend the evening with her, than suffer them. We were both part of a crowd who had been together since very early teens and by the time I was 34 (!) I couldn't take one more ounce of her shit.
Everyone was used to the fact that we were 'best friends' too and they didn't want me to throw in the towel because I bore the brunt of her moods and tantrums and they didn't want to. (She did have a great side to her too).
I got the phone calls too from her closest friend next to me who told me I couldn't do this. That she was suffering a chemical imbalance in the brain. I told him I didn't know or care what it was, that I'd had enough.
I felt bad and couldn't think about anything else for four days and then wham! Didn't think about her again.
ALL those years spent feeling unhappy and obliged! I can quite honestly say she changed my life for the worse and my life might have gone very differently without her.
I have run into her twice over the years and she doesn't miss a chance to try to get me back in her web. I'm never going there again.
People like these are not friends. Well done you for standing up to her and just let them all get on with it. My 'friend' turned a friend against me who I'd had before her, so yes, there will probably be fallout, but who cares?!
You'll be in another part of the country with a new life! Onward and upward.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 October 2022):
 It sucks to lose a good friend to distance or to a move. My best friend is 1,100 miles away and I DO miss her. We talk, we text, we send letters. I still miss her, but sometimes life throws you a curveball that can include a move across the country.
I still count her as one of my best friends - haven't seen her in person in 4 years but she is STILL awesome to me and mine. And I try to reciprocate as best as possible.
Your "friend" is ONLY concerned with herself. hence the guilt trips.
Don't keep people around who don't ADD positivity and value to your life. She doesn't sound like she does.
And while I said you CAN ghost her, I wouldn't - I would let her know you feel the friendship is OVER and you don't want further contact. She blabbed about your move (when you had asked her NOT TO) and it caused drama in your life that you do not WANT or need. THEN you can block her and preferably change your number (I'd probably do that once you move there, not before).
It's not about being MEAN to her. It's about being honest. Mostly, with yourself.
Focus on the move. Not her, not her drama.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2022): Just tell her that you can no longer be her friend; and give her a couple of your reasons given in your post.
Your post is completely contradictory and confusing about how you feel about this person. You claim she isn't all that loyal, hardly visits, and you're basically long-distance buddies. You're sick of her messages, but you won't tell her how you really feel. You just sit and stew on it. You make no sense.
Tell her how you really feel, honestly, and tactfully. You don't have to be brutal or nasty, just honest. Then block all means of contact, and restrict access to all your social media accounts. Easy-peasy.
...............................
A
female
reader, WhisperingPines +, writes (2 October 2022):
WhisperingPines is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Honeypie, thank you! I absolutely blocked the contractor and the bitter baby mama the night all that happened. I feel like I’ve only stayed friends with my “best friend” this long because I don’t like hurting peoples feelings, and also felt obligated or something of the sort to be her best friend. Everyone we know is so used to us being best friends. We have the same name too lol, but people always call me by my last name and her by our mutual first name. People are so tied to the idea that we’re best friends but they don’t see how shallow the friendship is. She has two other best friends that are more girly and into stuff she likes, like getting their nails done and shopping for girly clothes. People have mistaken us as wives because I’m so tomboy ?? which just shows how drastically different we are in every single way. I’m exhausted at trying to be nice when I have work, school, medical issues, and mental health things that are more important on top of now moving across the country! I don’t need to be constantly guilt tripped for doing something for MY life. I mean what am I expected to do, just stay where I have no opportunities just because she wants me around everyday? Uhm, no. I won’t apologize for the choices I make for myself to benefit my future and a true friend wouldn’t make me feel bad for that.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 October 2022):
Opinions? Advice?
Just go change your number and give it to people YOU want to stay in contact with - ghost the rest - also make sure that the people you DO give the new number to, don't give it out without asking you first.
I would send her one text letting her know that you are hurt and disappointed that she is blabbing about you moving when you ASKED her NOT to do that. And that you wish her well, but you don't see this friendship working out for you anymore. Then block her. Block the contractor, block the ex's baby momma too... THEN change your number.
She isn't sending you all those texts and selfies for YOUR sake, this is HER feeding her own ego.
Not all friendships last. Some aren't meant to.
Start your process to move across the country with PEACE in your soul.
...............................
A
female
reader, WhisperingPines +, writes (1 October 2022):
WhisperingPines is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for making me feel validated! I have been struggling with this for months. The few times we have spent together recently, if I tried to talk to her about anything of depth in my life, it’s like she didn’t hear a word I said, so I stopped trying. We went to the beach together on the Fourth of July, and she spent the first day glued to her phone talking to the guy she’s having an affair with, texting him, running off to talk to him on the phone, taking selfies for him, and when she did talk, it was always about him or she’d include him in any conversation we had alone or with her parents around! So I said something about it that night, and the next day she didn’t speak about him at all, thankfully. All her texts ever consist of with me is “I miss you” “:(“ “I love you” “you’re my best friend” and just the most basic, face-value shallow texts that are honestly really frustrating because I’m tired of hearing it allll the time. Plus the most over the top amount of pictures to my texts AND Snapchat every single day of a million selfies or the dog or just any random thing like the desk she’s standing at. She smothers me with it! I have an ex that lives down there close to where she still lives, and an ex up here where I live now, and I feel like they are moreso my “best friends” than she is! I can talk to them about anything, and actually spend quality time together still (without worrying about anything “more” happening lol). I talk to them everyday, and of things that are actually pertinent to my life. I feel like she doesn’t act like my best friend, she’s just used to me being around and is dependent upon that.
It’s tough because I feel like I’m being mean by not wanting to be her friend anymore, and everyone we know mutually is from the place we worked together, and I don’t want to hear all this crap from them asking about why I’m not talking to her. I already had one of our previous coworkers try to get me to call them, and I know it’s because of her! She clearly told him I wasn’t talking to her, and he’s trying to find out why and run back and tell her. Which is even more frustrating. It’s not the whole store’s business what I’m doing, nor is it their or any of our past customer’s business either that I’m moving! I asked her not to tell people for a REASON. Sadly, I’ll still be portrayed as the bad guy, because she’s all innocent acting and lovey-dovey and does no wrong. If you even look at the girl the wrong way or don’t hear her say hey to you, she’ll absolutely obsess over it and hound you about if and/or why you’re mad at her until you clarify that you’re not. Hence why I haven’t said anything to her. Because I’ll be the a-hole no matter what.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (1 October 2022):
 This woman was never a friend, let alone a best friend. She was just someone who was there when you needed someone, and you were prepared (or better able) to overlook her obvious shortcomings and make excuses for them.NO ONE likes being text bombed. This is common sense and basic courtesy, not some mystical secret she couldn't have known. The fact that she contacts you as often as she does and behaves the way she does is proof she doesn't care about anyone but herself.You don't need her, and a heart to heart chat isn't going to solve the problem. You can't fix her. All you can do is withdraw yourself, either gradually or suddenly. Since she lives some distance from you, this should be easy enough to do. I'm also an introvert, and I know what you mean about the sensory overload, and I've had people like this in my own life.Being honest with yourself is not the same as being judgmental. Your mental health suffers when we tolerate the intolerable while silencing our inner wisdom. Listen to yourself and keep this simple. Get her out of your life.
...............................
|
