A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend is currently unemployed. He was working, but his contract finished at the end of last year. He was employed on a contract so he knew it was going to end. He has been out of work for a few weeks, and its not the best time to find work and he is in rather specific field. He has been MISERABLE. Every excuse is 'i can't i have no job'. He won't go out, he wont do anything - with me. He got paid out of his leave and other benefits when he left, so he would have got close to $10k when the contract left. He lives at home still, so he doesn't have to worry about paying rent, mortgage or bills. Yet, he won't go out at all. If i suggest going out to dinner on a Saturday night (the meal would be no more than $20) he refuses saying he can't afford it - yet the following day he will buy himself a $20 lunch or buy something for his car worth hundreds of dollars. I've barely seen or spoken to him. I've had a few weeks off over Christmas and we did nothing. This past week has been the last straw. I've only heard from him a handful of times and when i do he is rude and its only a few words. And when i ask what's wrong, he just says that he is 'unemployed'. I get it, it sucks. I've been there. However, he seems depressed but taking it out on everybody else. He keeps going on about it too - but the thing is, he knew it was going to happen. He started looking for other work far too late. There will be jobs, but companies have only just re-opened in the last week from Christmas so it will be a little bit before they start advertising. I just dont know what to do. He wont do anything, wont go out (with me, he seems to go out alone) barely contacts me (i didn't him from him for 3 days straight this week), we live close by. Any suggestions would be great. Thank you.
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male
reader, Darrell Goodliffe  +, writes (26 January 2013):
 Id say he obviously is depressed and this is the problem, depressed people do tend to take out their aggression on other people, especially those they care about the most. I know you are saying he knew and that should change things but it doesn't. In fact, id tend to argue it makes things worse because it heightens the sense of powerlessness and this seems to be what has overcome your partner (it could, for example, explain why he started looking so late). On the plus side he still cares about you. I suspect the reason he isnt contacting you so much is because he knows he is taking this out on you and that bothers him enough at some level to want to protect you ie., by staying away. To overcome this he needs to be empowered, the more therefore you try and push him into doing things the less likely it is he will want to do them. He needs to feel he has control over his life again, and you insisting on doing things isnt going to promote that feeling.Obviously, the key thing is getting your bf back into work, that should, hopefully at least provide some temporary respite in terms of his mood. Have you maybe thought about suggesting you can help with this in some way, trying to engage him with that?Failing that he may need counseling, losing your job can trigger serious self-esteem loss but for that to happen would suggest there always was an underlying issue which this has merely 'set-off'. In terms of yourself I think you need to be fully aware this isnt going to be easy, getting him back on track, and you need to decide right now if you are in or out. If you really cant do this then the best thing for both of you in the long term is too leave. If you dont then you will both be trapped in a mutually self-destructive cycle which will badly scar both of you. However, if you feel you can then I feel now is the time you are probably going to have to sacrifice in the short too medium term. You obviously need some form of social life so try and go out with your friends etc. Either way, the choice is yours but its one you have to make now....
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