A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi Gang - I recently agreed that my boyfriend could move into my houseshare whilst he relocated to the west country for work. unfortunately the job he was offered fell through, so now he is living in my room, unemployed and cant afford to move on anywhere. he is driving me nuts, he is so lethargic about everything and has really changed and become withdrawn and sullen. This has been going on for a while, and had become almost like I'm babysitting him - coaxing him to come out and sending out CVs for him. There once was a spark but now it has completely gone flat. I find myself often staying with another male friend which, quite clichéd, I am becoming quite close to. (It just gets worse!)This other man is a close work colleague who is also in a relationship, although he has admitted in the past he feels a little chemistry between us, but is 100% faithful. But it has put the thought of other relationships in my head and has caused me to view my own relationship with an even greater critical eye.But how can I possibly leave him when he has no where to go and is so depressed? I feel trapped and guilty that I am possibly lying to a man who I have had a long term relationship with. I try to talk about him getting up and really going for it, and try to shake some spirit into him but it just makes it worse! help!!
View related questions:
depressed, move on, spark, trapped Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys, much appreciated for the help, really makes me feel a little calmer about the situ.
Have got a friend to get him an interview that he is overly qualified for - as long as he doesnt mess it up by being a pessimistic arse its basically his on a plate. fingers crossed!
not sure about the livng arrangements, he doesnt have a home to go back to which was the problem in the first place - normally I'd be the first person to advocate going home to the parents but he doesnt have that luxury.
I think i'll just have to keep trying with him and see if I cant help him more, I do feel awful to give up on him when he's so depressed. But i will take on board all of your comments and if in a couple of weeks nothing has changed then i'll sit him down for a firm conversation.
A
female
reader, tennisstar88  +, writes (23 October 2010):
 Great title, OP.
You feel sorry for him so you take him in, temporarily. HHmmm, how to say you're out staying your welcome in a nice way. Besides, leaving a stack of help wanted ads on the kitchen table, circling ones he'll be qualified for, and putting in calls to people to see if strings could be pulled, if you tried all that then I say you've done what you could. Set him down, remind him this is a temporary situation..you did what you could to help him. It's best that he moves back in with his parents or a relative someone who can motivate him better than you can. You hate seeing him all down over being unemployed so he needs someone who can give him a better pep talk than you can. Then proceed to break up with him a few days after that, just to not add too many blows at once. Or kick him out, then he'll definitely get the picture it's over. Personally, I like to go the nice route..especially if his parents live in another part where there are job openings, even better.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2010): Stop feeling guilty,
You are not his mom. If he can't go out and find a job, even a stupid job until something better comes along, then he lacks ambition.........You are NOT a babysitter and if he is getting on your last nerve, well......Bye bye........Call his mom, sister, dad, bestfriend and let them know that he needs to find another arrangement for his place of residency. Give him a time frame, stop sleeping with him, and make him sleep on the couch, guest room, garage for all I care. Be firm and kick him out!!! Truly, must I say more, just move on sweetie with your life......
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2010): Sit down with him and have one, final chat about what needs to happen: he needs to find a job and his own place and to pay for his own things because he is not your responsibility. If he still refuses, why not kick him out? It seems heartless, but you were doing him a temporary favor, and he hasn't done anything to try to figure his life out since that job fell through. He surely can find someone else to stay with until he gets back on his feet.
...............................
|
