A
female
age
30-35,
*U22L3D
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for two years now. We both Graduated from college; where I met him. He's trying to start up his legal justice career and I'm on the same path for child and youth studies. We've lived together for about a year and a half with his family and I recently moved out .. It's so hard to explain our relationship because when it's going good.. It's good. But when it's going bad, it's going really bad. There are a lot of things that triggers me about hiim.. Like what he says that makes me so sad and insecure about myself and when I ask him why he's so harsh, he replies with "I tell it like how it is, I always speak the truth".. For instance he'd indirectly call me fat because I wanted popcorn after dinner when we went to watch a movie.. And I was joking around saying "I'm not gonna get fat by just one popcorn, and wouldn't I look cute if I did?" And he said "no, if you get fat you'll be so ugly". I always tell myself I deserve better than this.. And since I've moved Out it's not like our relationship dramatically gotten better (missing eachother, wanting to see eachother). He drove me home one night and then when I got into my house he then said "you never come over anymore". And then I told him he never asked me... I just didn't want to assume that I could go over to his place if he didn't ask me. So we got into a misunderstanding and now, he still doesn't even ask me. He just drives me straight to his house... Am I being annoying? Or picky? And now when we go out on walls or the mall he always complains "where are we going? What are we doing next? When are we leaving? Are you done yet?" I always tell him to just enjoy the moment and let it flow.. He's seems like he looks forward to working and not seeing me... He talks more through text than in person. When we go out and eat, he never talks anymore, just sits there and waits for food to come, doesn't want to sit next to me on certain occasions. I don't know what to do, please... Sincere Advice needed.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2014): I agree that he is narcissistic and nasty- if you want popcorn you're fat?? What kind of nonsense is that.. the TRUTH??? LOL. Don't go through your life letting idiots like this tell you what to do, control you and intimidate you. Life is too short, have that popcorn and find a bf who will love you and not be abusive. The mood swings are a sign of bipolar behavior.
I think you are already in the process of ending the relationship without completely admitting it to yourself. You've moved out and your starting to create distance because he is hurtful to you and that creates a buffer for you.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (24 May 2014):
 I want to say this *right* off:
It's hysterical that your boyfriend calls himself "too truthful", because that in itself is one big fat steaming pile of bullshit lies. Your boyfriend is as big of a liar as any player out there. His saying he "speaks the truth" is to spit on everything the truth is.
I'll tell you what he really is. Truth has to do with FACT. Truth and OPINION are two different things. What he is doing is trying to control you while giving you the impression that his opinion and his point of view is "The truth" in an effort to bully your opinions and to silence you into doing and being what he wants you to. Where is the truth in that??
He is narcissistic. When things are GOOD, it's because things are his way, and when things are BAD, it's because he is displeased, and so he steamrolls you in the name of truth. You roll with it as well because sounding "too truthful" sounds much more altruistic than his saying "My way or the highway".
You want popcorn at a movie, he didn't want you to, so he controlled your behavior by indirect humiliation. Where is the truth in that? He shamed you into not having popcorn, and for what? He made it sound like it was for your own good, that he was speaking the truth, etc. etc. when in reality the truth was not found in what he said.
Why do you think he is harsh and why do you think he makes you insecure and feel bad about yourself? It's because it gives him the upper hand in the relationship, even in the subtle ways he tries to tell you that his career is better than yours. You didn't say that on this post, but I'm guessing easily that he has done so and that since he conveys superior intellect (which is a LIE), you accept it.
I laugh at people like him. And you should stop giving him permission to make you feel like this. In fact, if he has nothing more to say, where is the truth in THAT? Leave the guy and find someone who makes you feel good about yourself and about being with him. Have popcorn at the movie! The only real truth here, which...I admit is MY OPINION after reading your post....is that you're much better off without this insecure, narcissistic liar of a man. Harsh, cruelty, none of those equal truth. I couldn't be around a guy like that even if things are good.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (23 May 2014):
Sounds like he has a lot of pride. There's a difference between truthful and being a bitch about it. For example, one could say, even if you gain weight, I would still think you are perfect (This is how I would genuinely feel about someone after 2 years).
Umm..this is part of who he is. A big part is that he is extremely comfortably and probably taking you for granted. I don't think it is the worst that can happen, and if he does want to change his ways he most certainly can. A good way to find out is to focus on yourself for a while instead. You don't NEED him to enjoy things. Perhaps he needs a wake up call. But at the same time, perhaps you need it as well because after 2 yrsish you should be able to handle mis -communications with him as well.
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A
female
reader, PU22L3D +, writes (23 May 2014):
PU22L3D is verified as being by the original poster of the question@cattycakes I am bored, I still have feelings for him but every "truth" that's spilled.. Doesn't make me "love"him more than I do..
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (23 May 2014):
 You need to STOP seeing him. Sure you love him, but trust me! Love is NOT everything. You need so much more from a relationship than just love... Yes, it is sad to leave him when you still have feelings for him. But the truth is that he's mean and cruel, and not affectionate. He doesn't love you the way you need to be loved. He sounds a bit like he has a mental condition, if you ask me. Like he can't understand that just because he finds something to be true he shouldn't say it. Not all things need to be said. The lacking ability to understand this hints towards a mental disability, that he lacks empathy. And a person who lacks empathy makes for a horrible boyfriend.
Him blowing hot and cold is also not normal behaviour. It's often caused by a mental health problem, or personality disorder. People are typically more stable in their reaction and feelings than this, they don't go hot and cold like that. One moment wanting to be close, the next not wanting to sit near you. One moment wanting to spend time with you, the next he can't wait to get out of there and away fast enough.
Look, I know it is sad, but you've already understood this. That's why you moved out, which was a brave thing to do, and a mature thing to do. You know better. Some times you need to let your brain do the thinking, and not leave it all up to the heart.
You're not happy. You can love him all you want, but it wont make you happy. He doesn't make you happy. You can wish that he did, you can wish that he'll change. But the sad truth is people don't change.. And reality is what it is.
Grieve for a while, then move on.
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A
female
reader, cattycakes  +, writes (23 May 2014):
Are you a bit bored? I only ask because the things you mention seem like frustration more than big problems. Maybe life is not very interesting and you need something to look forward to, with or without him. You don't say that you love him either, so is it time foe a change?
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000 +, writes (23 May 2014):
 It sounds like the two of you are going through a rough patch in your relationship. You need to reconnect as a couple. I would suggest a vacation, weekend getaway or some kind of retreat to re-ignite the spark. Communication is key, but positive communication. You both need to let each other know what it is you like / love about each other, rather than focussing on all the negatives / irritations. Your boyfriend seems to be a No BS kind of guy. Yes, he lacks tact, but at least you know he's telling you the truth. From personal experience, I can tell you that I'd rather be with a man who speaks his truth than use charm and deceit to get what he wants from me.
I really don't think all is lost in this relationship. You guys just need some time alone, away from the hustle and bustle, to rediscover what made you fall in love in the first place. All couples go through periods like this, where minor irritations suddenly become big issues. It's just a sign that you need to reconnect.
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