A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend found out today that he has been accepted into college to do a chef's course which I should be really proud of but I'm not..I feel like when he goes to do this I will never see him and he might find someone else in his class or at college that he likes better than me and I dont think I could bare it if he dumped me.I know that he tells me he loves me etc but I really dont know how much, I know I would never cheat on him but what if he would do that to me?I couldn't live without him, I know a lot of you will think I am completely over reacting but I have no friends and I feel like he is the only thing keeping me going.We have been arguin alot recently over pety things and I cry a lot when we argue and he has said this really annoys him, What if this annoys him so much that if he finds someone else at college and leaves me for them, what will I do then?I dont mean to annoy him but do you think I will end up pushing him away?Or that he will end up cheating on me with someone on his class?I dont want to lose him but I dont know how to change to stop myself being so annoying..Thanks in advance xx Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThats the thing though.. I've done all the going out etc and I'd much rather spend time with him it's just if I do want to go out once in a while he makes me feel like I cant.
I dont want to end the raltionship but I dont know how to sort things ou either
A
male
reader, Dazzerg +, writes (16 July 2008):
 So it was a double negative....you didnt enjoy the course and missed him....Emily has a point but I dont think you want to end this relationship so maybe you should actually take this opportunity to sor things out??
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (16 July 2008):
If he is being controlling and not letting you have a life then don't be in this relationship. It is not normal.
A guy who really loved you would want you to be happy and that means having a job, friends, dreams, and fun nights out.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg +, writes (16 July 2008):
As an addendum it's possible he didnt tell you because he didnt want to upset the apple cart. Train?? Phone?? I would be a bit concerned about the shouting, it's natural to pine and even feel insecure (i have been going through a period of seperation for the last couple of weeks) but actively shouting at somebody kind of is crossing the line to me...i think you have a few issues in this relationship that need quite urgently addressing to be honest...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYea, I suppose in a way I did, I wasn't really enjoying the course aswell though. I was doing architectural technology and it was completely not what I expected but I think if I didnt have my boyfriend I would still be there, it's basically because I would have rather been with him than doing something I didn't enjoy I suppose
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg +, writes (16 July 2008):
I think this is a tricky one then to be honest. Maybe you should use this opportunity to get some of your own life back. I understand speration hurting but I really dont agree with shouting at you for doing that and trying to have a life of your own. I can understand why you are insecure now...changes to the established pattern in his behaviour and obviously a big change and a new enviroment for him, ontop of the secrets. Did you quit college for him???
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBut You dont seem to understand that I am not allowed to go out and do things for myself - I am not the clingy one, he is. I suppose I should have made that more clear, I cannot go out and do things on my own without him constantly harrassing me but he can do what he likes when he likes with no consideration to how I feel, for example, we were out in a pub one night when I went to play pool with his best friend in the other room, my boyfriend came through and started shouting at me because I had left him(he was sitting with his friends)The next week he done exactly the same thing to me but left me on my own and when I went through to see what he was doing he started shouting at me saying why have you came to check up on me.
Anyway, I have had a think about it and I reckon my insecurities have came from how much he has changed towards me in the past few months. He always used to tell me how much he loved me, walked me to the door, text to make sure I get home alright etc etc, Now, I am lucky if he talks to me at all. He does tell me he loves me, but only after I say it first. He always used to tell his friends how much he loved me but now he seems to prefer to humiliate me infront of them.
I guess my other insecurity came from his ex texting and phoning him and asking him to get back with her and he kept the whole thing a secret from me, it only slipped out one night when he was saying to his friends how much of a weirdo she is. I know him calling her a weirdo should make me realise he wouldn't get back with her but I really dont understand how he didn't tell me..
His college is about an hour and a half away by car from where I live but unfortunately I have no way of getting there. I can drive but I dont have a car at the moment and he cant drive.
I was at college last year but quickly realised it wasnt the path I wanted to take so left and got myself a job which I started 6 months ago, so I dont see how getting a new job would help me?
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (16 July 2008):
You can't keep him locked up your basement forever. He has to go out and do his own thing and being a chef can earn big money. Why don't you go and do a business course? That way you could open a restaurant together.
I think you have answered your own question here when you say that you have no friends or life of your own. You are obsessing over your boyfriend as you have nothing else to think about.
Do something for yourself. Get a new job or go to college. Take up a new hobby. You will drive him away if you are too clingy.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg +, writes (16 July 2008):
Well I don't think you are overreacting obviously you are feeling a little insecure in this relationship and I think there are are ways you can overcome that and there are also ways to combat the feeling of seperation which I can appreciate must be intense. He chose you and obviously he found you worthy of his love even though from what you say here you do not find yourself worthy of it; that is something that you can work on together but first you need to open up to him about how you are feeling and let him comfort you.
Is he moving far away?? I am sure you can establish a pattern so you keep in contact and visit each other regularly. What has caused you to lack security?? Do you have a bad relationship experience in the past?? If so then this is also something you need to tell him about so he can better understand why you are feeling this way. At the moment you are trapped in a particularly self-destructive spiral and the danger is you will make your own fears come true thus reinforcing them.
Have you tried to open up to other people about how you are feeling?? Maybe that would help too....good luck :)
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