A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years. For about a week and a half my boyfriend has been experiencing depression. He's lost all motivation to do anything, has lost all interest in things that he was originally interested in and says he's just been "in a rutt" doing everything by himself. His depression has put a strain on our relationship and I feel as if it's eating away at me, I feel like I can't help but to get angry. It's a constant thing for him to say he'll see me on a certain day, at a certain time yet when that time rolls around he's not here. His room mate tells me that "He wants to spend time with you it's just that he can't bring himself to do so." I get that he needs space and wants to be alone but I never expected it to be all the time. It just feels like he's pushing me farther and farther away with everything he says and does. I've dealt with depression before so I thought I'd understand but I guess I only understand little bits and pieces of it. There is a great lack of communication which is to be expected yet all he ever replies with is "okay" or "I don't know" regardless of really anything. I've told him numerous times that his room mate and I are always here for him and if he ever needs someone to talk to then he could rely on us but I strongly advised that he seek professional help. I've told him that although it might not be easy, talking about things can hugely help whether you talk with a friend or a professional. I let him know that there is no shame in reaching out for help and that if he didn't have the money to seek professional help then his parents would be more than willing to help out with the cost, although he'd have to let them know what's going on. I couldn't stress enough that reaching out for help was the first step to helping himself. I warned him that his depression would not only put a strain on our relationship but his other relationships as well and could even break them. I love him very much and I don't want to end our relationship but I don't want this to eat away at me. How can I deal with this? What do I do if my boyfriend doesn't get help? Is there anything I can do personally? Are there any kinds of actions that shouldn't be excusable even if he has depression?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2015): Great solution; I believe you made the right decision. If there are any difficult times and you need someone to listen, I'm here.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2015): Well, if he's seeing other friends and he's standing you up; perhaps you're the cause of his depression. He is lying to you and avoiding you. Perhaps he wants to end your relationship. I think you know what depression is, although it has been only a week and a half. You admit it is affecting your relationship; so step back and assess the situation.
Maybe it's time to move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your answers! I've gotten him to open up to me and his roommate so we are trying our best to help and support him! I understand that I need to take myself and my own mental health into consideration, so I've given myself two months to think about this. The reason I ask what would be excusable is because its a constant thing for him to tell me that we'd meet up to spend time together at a certain time but when that time came, he was always a no show without even doing me the courtesy of telling me before hand. Eventually, I'd find out from his roommate that he was just sitting around at home and sometimes he'd even have a friend over. It frustrates me beyond belief and I feel like more than half the time he just says that but never has the intention to even leave the house, which in that case, he would be lying to me. Whenever I bring it up to him and say "Hey, you said you'd come over at this time?" he either ignores me or just replies with "I just want to sleep." When I want to talk on the phone, he always says he isn't in the mood or doesn't have the energy yet he seems to be in the mood and have the energy to have a friend or two over. I'd never tolerate anyone constantly blowing me off or dishonesty but I don't want to make things worse. I did give him some space and stepped back early on but jumped right back in to talk about getting help when it sounded like things were only getting worse. But like I said, I've given myself two months to think this all over.
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female
reader, Delirium +, writes (20 January 2015):
 You may not want to hear this but you may have caused him to be depressed for longer than you realize. You say he has been depressed for "about a week and a half", that is not a very long time to be depressed. Ask anyone who lost a loved one, lost their job, got a divorce, or diagnosed with a serious medical problem how long they were depressed and I'll bet you it lingered more than a week and a half. Given your age I am assuming that he is pretty young too, he may be at a stage where he is doing some introspection into his future, career options, education, debt, etc. and he may not be too happy with what he sees ahead. But instead of steeping back and giving him some breathing room to mull over his situation you jumped into him needing to seek professional help, talk to his parents about covering the costs of professional help, having long intimate talks with you or his roommate, and then jumping to frustration and anger when he didn't immediately do what you suggest. If he isn't a risk for self harm (which his roommate might be a better judge since they live together) then let him have this moment. The best thing you can do is say that you are there if he needs anything but to respect his need for space, at least for a while longer.
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female
reader, like I see it +, writes (20 January 2015):
 You are right - he does sound like a good candidate for professional help, because from the sound of things you and his roommate have both tried your best to support him without success.
Is this person a school roommate of his? If so, most (if not all) campus health programs should be able to offer or at least refer students to mental health counseling, and that might be a good resource to explore. If he is not in school then you may wish to visit the web site for the county you live in and review the options they offer for mental health services. Some offer free or reduced-cost programs or clinics specifically for lower-income patients to make sure that EVERYONE can afford help if they need it.
In the meantime, I wouldn't allow his depression to excuse ANY action you wouldn't tolerate otherwise. Depression is definitely real and it can be completely devastating to BOTH the affected individual and his or her family and loved ones, but when it's causing behavior that needs to be "excused" by something to be socially acceptable, it's time for that person to seek and receive the appropriate help.
I can only guess at what "actions" of his may have prompted you to ask about whether any were excusable, but if you have to wonder, the answer is most likely no. Again, behavior you feel you must find an excuse for in order to tolerate it (or not feel hurt by it) is one more sign he needs help.
Unfortunately, unless he's considered a threat to himself or to others no one else can MAKE him seek help; if he's over 18 he's legally an adult and has to decide on his own that this is something he may not be able to fix by himself.
IF, however, he threatens (or even talks about) causing harm to himself, to you, or to anyone else, dial your emergency number (most likely 9-1-1, if you are located in the US) so that the appropriate emergency responders can intervene.
For the moment, though, all you can do is what you have been doing: be supportive. Give him space if he asks for it. And recognize that you're not responsible for his happiness or lack thereof; he is. If his depression persists and he refuses to seek help, don't make a martyr of yourself staying miserable in a relationship with someone who can't or won't reciprocate kindness and support to you.
I hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2015): First off, have a little understanding knowing that you've experienced depression yourself. It effects different people in different ways, it results from different causes, and the length of time it takes to recover can vary. He has to be screened by a doctor to determine if it is clinical depression.
It might be a good idea to talk to his parents to let them know that he is suffering silently; and you're concerned that he doesn't seem to want to get help for himself. They may have more influence on his decision. If he is under 21, they may also have the legal authority to submit him for treatment. Most people who need help for mental-health issues refuse to deal with it. Laws are sketchy about forcing them to do so against their will.
Usually it takes a disaster, such as harming themselves or others before something is done about it. Sufferers think they can just wait it out. That is not a good idea, because it can worsen with time. Be especially attentive to be sure he isn't suicidal. Listen carefully to everything he says.
Since he is isolating himself, it might be a good time for you to take a break, and go about your life and stop pressuring him. He is not himself. At the moment he doesn't have the capacity to deal with stressful issues, and he is upsetting you to the degree you are online writing for advice on how to deal with him.
He is a grown-man, and that makes it all the more difficult convincing him to do things he doesn't want to do. In times like these no one knows why someone suffering refuses help. Mainly because most of us don't want someone poking around in our brains. People fear dealing with the uncomfortable subjects triggering their depression, and simply don't want to go to the doctor. Which is the main reason most do not want to seek help. Many don't want to face the stigma brought on by admitting they have mental-health issues.
It is very difficult telling a young woman your age that in such cases, it would be best to move on; because you can't force him to seek help, and it is beginning to cause you distress. There comes a point, when you must put yourself first.
Your pressuring him is also contributing to his illness; because you unintentionally act-out your anger and frustration. That isn't helpful. Although it is understandable; because you are committed to him, and your loyalty drives you to stand by his side. Your love and concern for him makes it difficult to abandon him while you know he isn't well. Sometimes you're left no choice.
You've done most of what you can do, but he can't help how he feels; nor can he instantly snap out of it. It could be months, even years, before he returns to full recovery. So place this matter in his parent's capable hands, and give him all the support you can. Get on with your life, and enjoy spending time with your friends. Don't let him drag you into his darkness, it could trigger your own depression.
Visit him to see that he eats, keeps up his hygiene, try to cheer him up. Don't feel disappointed if you can't. Let him know he's always in your thoughts. His roommate is always there to keep an eye on him. Relieving you, and giving you time to deal with your emotions. This is tough.
Here's the tricky part. Leaving him may drive him deeper into his depression; but what choice do you have when he refuses treatment? His illness is no doubt upsetting both you and his roommate. While he just wants to be left alone. Well, that's not an option when you have a girlfriend and a roommate. A young lady your age shouldn't have to place her own life on hold; while the guy she cares about ignores her pleas to get help so he can get well. He has to care about your feelings.
You have no obligation to be held captive in a relationship with someone too stubborn to realize his health is in jeopardy. Thereby straining his relationship as the result. He is deliberately resisting your loving efforts, and suggestions, to save your relationship. You'll end up getting sick from all the stress, and watching him as he slowly deteriorates.
You don't really have a relationship at the moment; because he isn't holding up his end of it. He holds on, but he doesn't actively contribute to caring for your needs; so until he is able to do that, it is better for you to go about your life.
Explain to him you have tried, but it is too difficult for you. He renders you helpless, because he isn't making the effort to get himself help. He hasn't lost his sense of reason, he's being stubborn. He doesn't want to deal with therapy. If he gives into his illness; he could fall deeper into helplessness. Resulting in long-term hospitalization. Eventually it will not be a matter of choice, but a matter of urgency.
Because of this, you are unable to be with him until he seeks professional help to get better. It will lay heavy guilt on you, but you're far too young to keep yourself in this sort of situation. If he cares enough about you and his own mental-health, he will get help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2015): Your strengthen and loyalty to him during this time is commendable. To answer your first question, as generic as it may be give him the space he is looking for. Show subtle ways that you care for him. Do not continue to suggest others that he can ask for monetary donations, offer them yourself. If you are not financially endear to do so find other ways to lighten his load-dinner, car washes, and even buy household supplies. Beware not to overwhelm him with job vacancies, only offer the ones you know you can get his foot in the door.Secondly, I believe he does want help. That is if he is not already seeking it. If he has not attempted suicide then he's just going through a job transition. Like most of us in the US after 2001. Sincerely pray for his wellbeing, and ask specifically for the blessings he told you he wanted.Thirdly and personally you can take several deep breaths. I'll pause for a moment. Channel your energy in a positive direction. Allow yourself to be happy and find peace within. Read books on successful relationships, budgeting, and one that would spark a conversation between you two. Do not become discourage, if the conversation does not lead in the direction you want it to. Always wear a smile when you're with him. And remember not step listed above.Lastly, verbal and physical abuse is never acceptable. But remember certain things he say and the way he act maybe because of his present state. If he does not want to hangout-that's a perfect time for you to focus on your career and upper life mobility. However, be certain to continue your routine and ask if he wants to spend time together. Even contact him throughout the day to show you care. A special note: "When life throws you a lemon make lemonade".
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