A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone,So I've been with my boyfriend now for just over a year, but a few days ago he announced out of the blue that 'things had changed' and he wasn't sure if we could be together anymore. He was crying this whole time and saying how he still loved me - he just didn't know what it was. Anyway, we live about two hours away in different cities - and when I got back after a distressing journey we spoke a bit on Skype and he said that he was sorry for being so dramatic and that maybe we could sort things out, that it was like 'a part of him' had left with me, but that he would make no promises.He's under an incredible amount of stress at the moment. At university he will work 12 hours a day, if not more, so that we spend time together at the weekends - when he still might need to do work or apply for internships etc so that he can stay in the UK over the summer (being from another country). I think this is largely because he got far worse results last year than he had been expecting in his exams, which really shook him up with his dream of being a physicist. He said that part of the problem was that he now associated seeing me with stress and guilt.I've been messaging him asking if he's okay, but he's (coldly) asked for space for a few days to work things out, which I have respected. He's talking to his mother a lot and has an appointment with a counselor booked but he says he won't talk with me until he knows 'for sure' what he wants.Basically, I don't know what to do and I'm very scared. He's a wonderful person and we have been so so close this past few months and I just don't know what I would do without him. If he breaks up with me to focus on his work then I think he'll just be putting off dealing with the problems that are causing him stress and I can't see how it would improve things. But I obviously can't say that to him. I've said we can work out seeing each other less at the weekends and more outside of term time but I don't know, he was so pessimistic when I said this stuff to him.Does anyone have any advise for me at the moment? If he's stressed or depressed then I can't leave him alone but I also can't and won't force him to be with me. I feel so alone right now and he must too.Thanks so much.
View related questions:
depressed, his ex, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2016): He is spreading himself too thin, and at the same time trying to maintain a relationship. It's hard to explain this to some people, especially women. Sometimes when you're under a lot of academic pressure; trying to satisfy the needs of another might cause you to lose focus and become too distracted. The result being less academic success and a very neglected lover who doesn't understand why you're not spending more time with her.
He is killing himself trying meet an extremely high academic standard, and the demands of his studies are demanding beyond belief. Professors are relentless; and competition for good internships is out of this world. Yet, this may not seem more important than you; as far as you're concerned.
His frustration comes from the fact that he knows he should have done this long ago. Yet I'm sure you added your own brand of pressure to let him know you're not going to just be pushed aside. So what's he supposed to do?
Exactly what's he's doing now. Refocusing on his studies and pushing you aside. Considering he's a foreign-student and his chosen field and profession will not afford him to make mediocre or average grades. A physicist can't be a C-student! He will not have his choice of grad schools or be able to compete for fellowships or gain recognition by
research groups, if he's failing. The poor guy is exhausted.
Imagine the expectations of his parents when they are most likely footing the bill for all this; unless he's on scholarship. Which by the way will not allow him to make mediocre grads, if he needs them to pay tuition. His GPA is the most important thing right now. Like it or not.
On top of it, he's a foreign-student. His student visa depends on his academic success to continue his studies abroad and to gain time extensions to remain in the UK.
Not to mention what kind of sacrifices his family could be making financially for him to be where he is. You're stressing him, because he knows the reality is that he may have to leave and he may not be able to take you with him. If you don't back-off, he snap!
You want to help; but the best help you might be able to offer is stepping back to allow him room to breath so he can focus on his studies; which is the reason he's in your country. I know you don't like hearing this. Unless you are in his field of study and excelling above him as a student; all you can really offer him is moral support.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (18 February 2016):
 I am sorry that you have to go through this. I am sure it was a shock to the system that he felt like this when you thought everything was okay. Stress can do a lot to the body and mind. He is putting himself under to much pressure at the moment and the cracks are starting to appear. I know you want to make it better. Be there for him through this tough time and reassure him that he will be okay. But I think the best thing you can do at this moment in time is to do as he asks. Give him the space he needs to get his head together and then deal with whatever his choice is.
...............................
|
