A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Okay so a little background, we have been going out for three years, engaged for six months and getting married next year. We do have a great relationship and I know he is the one for me. We do have our small arguments like every other couple. However when I try and tell him how I feel he gets very defensive and tells me I am over reacting. So I am at a class to lose weight for our wedding, when he picked me up today he didn't ask how I had got on and this upset me a little. He seems to get stressed when having to take me to this class as he doesn't get his full sleep as he always stays up late the night before. He has aknowledged himself that he is a bit cranky. So today I said aw I got on okay thanks for asking, then he ignored me, I asked did he get my message and he said no then asked how I got on, I told him I lost a pound he said very good then just changed the subject. I told him I didn't feel he was supporting me, and straight away he got defensive. Saying aw am sorry it wasn't the first thing I asked you blah blah. He began telling me I was over reacting as usual and then we ended up arguing. I told him I was trying my best to eat healthy while still cooking the same meals for him, all I want is a bit off support from him, he gave out then for throwing it back in his face that he did not ask for me to cook for him. I got upset, I cried a lot maybe it is my hormones at the minute, but I just feel like I cannot tell him how I feel or he gets defensive or tells me I am over reacting. I am a sensitive person.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2016): In reading your most recent responses, it occurred to me that sometimes people don't care much for small-talk. It's talking just to be talking, and men aren't always good at that. Idle-chat even gets on my nerves at times; because I really prefer having a real discussion when the time is appropriate. If I've just gotten home from work, or traffic was bad commuting home; my nerves get a little frazzled. I need a little quiet time before it all wears off. Consider this when he picks you up, or if he's quiet during a ride. It doesn't mean he's being neglectful or uninterested in your day, maybe he's just a little moody or deep in thought. Men just aren't that great at emotional expression and you'll need to get used to that.
As long as he's kind, affectionate, and loving in general; don't worry about the small-talk. Just tell him what happened in your day and let him listen. If he has little feedback to offer, that means he just doesn't have much to say. Most likely his day was same as usual or uneventful, and he just assumes yours was too. He knows you, so he knows you'll share whether he cares or not. That's when you know someone really well and you're used to their ways. It doesn't mean the events of your day or what's going on is unimportant to him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@olderthandirt thank you very much for your reply I appreciate it. I guess I already knew he is not to good discussing his feelings and I shouldn't press him. I guess I just needed to rant. It is clear he would rather not talk about anything to deep but to just forget things that as you say are not important to him but at times feel important to me. Thanks again.
@wiseowle yes I guess I was being petty, almost like a spoilt brat. I guess I just wanted him to show an interest, wonder how I had gotten on this week as he knew I had struggled. I didn't think at the time it was to much to ask. But maybe it is because he never does notice the little things, things I do to try and make him feel special and loved. Yes he is good to me and I really appreciate it. I guess my problem is overthinking things. This week he wasn't tired as he had went to bed at a resonable time as his parents where visiting that day, I was referring to other weeks where he would be very short and cranky with me, he has admitted this himself and had asked me did I notice. Not once have I asked him for a lift to this class, I have told him I will make my own way that I don't want to be putting him out off his way, I do feel guilty that he takes me and collects me. If he refused to do it I would not be annoyed in the slightest, if you knew me you would no I am an extremely grateful person. Yes I am the one choosing to lose weight and I am well aware that it is effecting him as well, our usual weekend take away is out the window, even though I tell him to order one he never does so I substitute and make him something that he wants. I agree I can be narky, yet I guess so can he, we both have our faults. He stays up late to play the playstation after work. This doesn't bother me in the slightest and I would never dictate otherwise. He is the one that insists he takes me to the class. I agree with you that there is nothing to serious going on here, I guess I needed to rant and probably be told that I am being stupid. I am not a bridezilla, far from it, I am quite low maintenance and I am organizing the whole wedding myself as he doesn't really like that side of it. I don't think he is a bad guy, he is far from it. Yes I admit he could listen more sometimes and maybe make more off an effort to remember things I have told him, but he does make me happy. Thanks for your advice.
@janniepeg you are totally right, he is great when I am sick, gets me what I need rubs my back, he has even went as far as holding back my hair when I have threw up. So yes he does support me in a lot of things, I guess I am just focusing so much on my weight loss goal that I thought it should be as important to him as well. In fact I should be happy that he doesn't mind if I lose weight or not. We have spoke about this weight loss class, he has said he thinks it is working great and I should keep it up. He has saw me try to lose weight and struggle for so long. He seems impressed this diet is working. At the beginning he felt guilty for eating sweets or crisps in front of me, I assured him not to as I was still cooking him fried foods on his request. We do an exercise class together, he joined me a few months ago because he was suffering from a sore back and the physio told him to exercise more. So he is great at this side, and we both enjoy it. He doesn't cook for me ever, sometimes he may make his own dinner if he sees am busy or stressed. I guess I know what I like to eat, so I would be difficult to cook for anyway. You are totally right about why he gets defensive. I guess I am being accusing and I would get defensive in his shoes as well. I need to approach it better in the future if I feel lonely or down about something. Thanks for taking the time to help me.
@youwish Hi believe me I do thank him all the time, to a point where he tells me I say thank you way to much. I do appreciate what he does for me. I am not driving the car at the moment because of an injury, but I do pay half the bills. Where we are there is no public transport, and to walk it would take a long time with no footpath. I have said I will get a taxi weekly, so that he can have his morning free. Yes we both work in the evenings until midnight, so that is why the 11am class suits me. We are not allowed to leave work at lunch. I have struggled to lose weight at home and that is why I joined the class. He told me he would have no problem bringing me, but I have said any day he doesn't want to am more than happy to make my own way. I am by far high maintenance, I am one of the most easy going people ever, yes I am sensitive, but I never expect anything from anybody. Yes I can get emotional as I suffer from anxiety and depression, but I am thankful daily for what I have in my life. I am losing weight for myself not for him or anybody else. I meant I think he should awknowledge and appreciate that I cook the food that he wants daily without complaint. Yes I guess I do think it is important for his support at the moment. I am not doing this weight class just because I am getting married, before he proposed I was struggling with my weight because I had an injury, I am just getting back in to fitness now and using the weight loss class as a support network and getting new ideas. It is rare enough we do argue, so am not worried at the moment that this is a huge problem I guess I just needed to get it off my chest so I could close it down. I didn't want to mention it to him again as he knows I have been quite down this week, and I know it is hard on him as well. It is rare we have these bickerings but whenever we do he uses the same lines. He will apologize afterwards when he feels he has been in the wrong. It just seems to be the same words he throws at me when I try to explain how I feel. He doesn't want to hear it. I do support him more than you will ever know. I have changed a lot of my lifestyle for him, and I am happy to do so. He never asked and I never complain about it. Yes I agree it was wrong off me to use me cooking the meals he wants against him, but I just wanted to see that I try my best for him. I always try my best to please him as best I can, and he is great, he treats me well. I no am a very lucky girl. But I show my appreciation to him daily.
@cindycares Thanks for the reply. I do put myself in his shoes and I always apologize when I do wrong. I am not perfect. I should not have caused drama, I guess I let little things build up, but I am working on this. I guess I was having a bad day and yeah I took it out on him. You are right him taking me to class does show support, I am lucky, and I never take it for granted, I show my appreciation every single week. I always thank him for taking me. I never just assume that he is going to, and I am always clear with him he should not feel like he has to. You are right this shows great support, and maybe I was being a selfish brat. I am aware I do need to change. I have depression and anxiety, and I try my hardest to smile and hide it from him, but sometimes I slip, I get narky with him, it is rare we have these blips, but they do happen and it is tough on us both. I do always apologize, but we both are in the wrong at times. I guess I just need to remind myself more how lucky I am, and try and push the dark cloud that comes over me. Thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the feedback. I agree with most of it. We both pay for the car expenses but at the moment I am not driving as I had a neck injury. I don't just assume that he will take me every week though. I am always very grateful if he offers, which he always does, and I know that I am lucky in that sense. I would off course take public transport but there is none living in rural ireland and it would be to much to walk.
We both work evenings so we do tend to stay up late as a result of this. I never ask him to take me to class yet he does complain the night before saying he will probably have to go to bed earlier than normal to take me, I simply tell him he doesn't have to take me. Yet on a saturday when he goes out to his hobby I will get up without complaint in the morning and cook him breakfast before he goes without complaint. Maybe I am being selfish here. I don't mean to be hard on him. I did apologize for my actions and told him I have been feeling a bit down, yes I probably have been taking it out on him, finding small faults.
As for me cooking him dinners, I didn't so much as throw it back in his face, in an argument we say things that we regret, I simply said to him I cook all my healthy meals, but if he asks for battered sausages and chips or some home made cooking I will make it for him without complaint. Sometimes it is nice just to get some recognition. I have in the past changed my eating habits completely as he is a coeliac so I had to learn and adapt to that diet. But sometimes if am having a bad day and he is sitting eating junk in front of me I feel myself envying him, and I no I shouldn't I no am wrong. Yes it is my choice it lose weight not his. It is for me and being healthier no other reason. I am grateful for everything he does for me, truly I am even if I sound ungrateful. I guess we all just need to rant and at the moment I have nobody to talk to about these sorts of things. Thanks for taking your time to reply.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 February 2016):
 Yes. Sensitive does not have to mean touchy, ego-centered, and drama-loving. A sensitive person is also sensitive toward other people's feelings and reasons, and is capable to put themselves in their shoes .
You say your bf is not supportive ; well, I'd be inclined to disagree. After all he accepts to chaffeur you back and forth from you weight loss class, even if that cuts into his sleep hours. He never said- as he could have done, reasonably - " Hey, my darling, this is YOUR butt that needs to slim down so that you can fit in YOUR wedding dress, so why don't you take care of bringing said butt to class and back autonomously as the grown up woman that you are ? "
You don't seem particularly appreciative of his effort, you sort of take it for granted. In fact , you seem to imply that he should change his habits and go to bed earlier just in order to be chirpier in the morning when he has to drive you around to YOUR appointments- sorry but that does not sound sensitive, more like entitled. As for me, if doing something practical , although inconvenient, to help the partner reach her goals, does not qualify as showing support, ... then I can't guess what else support could be.
I get it, for " support " you mean you want applauses and " bravo" for any little , unimpressive accomplishment of your daily life.
I don't deny that in theory , it would be ideal to have a partner so attuned to every our thoughts and feelings, that he could be sincerely enthusiastic and wild with joy for each and any of the things which interest us, no matter how menial.
In practice , - you are not the center of the Universe
( nobody is ). It is perfectly normal, and acceptable, that some things you do / seek / want don't have for him the same big value and importance you attach to them. And this is ok, because chances are that the opposite is true too.
Do you plaud and cheer every time he shaves without cutting himself / finds a parking spot at the first try / has a regular bowel movement ?... I am not really kidding, these very trivial little things are for some people a big challenge, overcoming which give them the same satisfaction you felt in getting on ok with the class or losing your first pound.
I also disagree that " every other couples have their little disagreements " It depends . Once in a rare while , yes; it's impossible to live closely to somebody avoiding forever any chance of friction. But regularly or often, no. If it happens, often it is because either one ( or both ) have unrealistic expectations about their partner, as a person who should always unfailably be responsible for all their moods , feelings, and general state of wellbeing. That's a huge, and unjust, responsibility to give anybody. YOUR thoughts , moods and feelings belong to you, YOU are responsible for them. So, if you find yourself very often annoyed, offended, disappointed , irritated by the things he does, - it will be the case of asking yourself if perhaps by any chance YOU need to change and grow a thicker skin, and a less egoreferred vision of the world. Or else, if you think you are doing right and don't need to change anything- if you need an all different kind of partner, more compatible with who you are.
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reader, YouWish  +, writes (19 February 2016):
 I think you need to rethink things here.
First of all, why is he taking you to your class? Why can't you get there on your own? Do you not have a vehicle or isn't there public transportation available for you to be self-sufficient on this matter?? I'd be thanking my fiance up and down for getting up early to take me. Do you work? Is there not a way to reschedule a weight loss class to the evening or lunch hour? Or, can you accomplish your weight loss goals at home?
You told him you lost a pound. He said "very good". I think you're being touchy, and to be honest, when I hear the word "sensitive", I hear "high maintenance".
You cannot expect approval/support/affirmation from him to be the source of your identity. You mentioned that you're cooking for him...that you're losing weight for the wedding, which tells me that you think he should be more appreciative that you're losing weight "for him". Actually, you're not doing that for him, because he fell in love with you, he dated you, he proposed to you as you are. You're losing weight because of your dress, and because whatever reading you're doing about marriage or weddings has weight loss classes as being on the checklist for brides. They're not!
Slow down...remember it's not about the wedding, it's about the marriage. Not all couples have regular little arguments! In fact, if he's regularly getting defensive and telling you that you're overreacting and this is a pattern and you're arguing more than once a week, then that's too many times. You're using drama as a way to get him to affirm you, and that's not a good way to start a marriage.
You have to *be* what you want to see. If you want support, affirmation, then you have to give it to him. If you're mentioning cooking his meals as ammunition in an argument, what you're saying is that the things you do for him have strings attached.
I read something remarkable the other day. There was an interview with a former escort, and the question was what guys would look for sexually when they called her for services, and her response was that even almost more than sex, they looked for someone to listen to them, to make them feel good/supported, and appreciated, that their work and favors go appreciated.
So I say sow the seeds of appreciation BEFORE he does it back. You'd be amazed at the transformation, and the number of "little arguments" will go way down. Remember, it's not just the wedding...it's the marriage!
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reader, janniepeg  +, writes (19 February 2016):
 He does not show the same enthusiasm for your weight loss goal. He was also tired and did not feel like talking. Maybe he feels support is when you are sick, when a family dies, but not when you are taking a weight loss class.
Maybe there's a better way to express. Saying he's not supportive is not expressing a feeling. It's accusing. You can't force a person to take on an interest or fake it. It would be great if he could take the initiative to inquire about your weight loss. If he doesn't, it should not be taken as he's not supportive. How about, when you are both free and feel relaxed, you ask him how he honestly feels about your weight loss class. You may hear that he feels it's unnecessary and that you look great as you are. Maybe that's the truth but he's afraid of saying it to upset you.
You come across as someone who would do so much, get exhausted and then get upset when people don't acknowledge or approve your hard work. You also have to specify what support means. It's better to ask him to cook a meal once a twice, to exercise with you. It would be unrealistic to ask him to ask you how the class went, or to extend a conversation in which he feels only gay guys would be interested in. To get upset that he didn't ask you how the class went and to be sarcastic about it, is passive aggressiveness. He shouldn't have to talk about your weight class in order to avoid an argument. To say you are overreacting to your fiancé's behavior is not accurate, because it implies that he did something wrong to piss you off. He didn't. He was basically being himself.
He won't feel defensive if you express how hard it is to control your eating and not be able to eat your favorite desserts when everyone else could. How excited you are about the wedding and how you look in photos. Anyone would be defensive if they are made out to be wrong when they aren't.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2016): I'm sorry, but I see a bit of pettiness here.
Explain exactly what kind of support you want? Give us some details of what you are expecting from him. If you can't, then how's he supposed to know? He may be tired or a little off-kilter at the end of a day. Sometimes people aren't on their best manners when they're tired. In real-life, sometimes he will not ask how's your day. That doesn't mean you can't volunteer and share your day just the same. If he had a bad day, being human, he just may not be in the mood for chit-chat. He may not really care to know. That doesn't make him mean.
He says you're overreacting. To some degree, I agree. You're being a bit sensitive and turning everything into a reason for tears or an argument. Driving you to class is an inconvenience; but he'd hear about it if he refused to do it. Is there some reason you can't drive yourself? You're the one who feels she needs to lose weight, and he may think that is making you a little crazy. Or the whole thing is really unnecessary.
Sorry, but from my experience with women/gay men losing weight in preparation for a wedding; it's not easy on a guy. I empathize with him, just a little bit.
Sometimes you have to communicate what you want without being snarky or critical. Especially when you're wanting someone to be sweet to you.
Why does he stay up late? Not that it really matters, considering he's an adult and no one sets his bedtime for him. His day is his to plan and to share, just as yours is. Being your fiance' most assuredly places many responsibilities on him; but that all depends on how demanding you come across. Step-back and think when he says you're over-reacting.
Brides-to-be can be quite demanding, a little self-centered, hyper, overly-sensitive; and only the people around her pick up on it. Normally, she's the last to know; until someone gathers the nerve to layout the facts. Been there, and I've done that.
It is likely many females will come to your defense; considering men are often considered the jerks in the relationship; and the main culprit for causing unhappiness or hurt feelings. I see things from both sides. He doesn't get to tell his side; but from what I see, there is nothing too serious going on here. Just bride and groom pre-wedding jitters.
It helps if you simply tell him you'd like him to be more attentive and happy to see you. You'd like him to care more about how your day goes,and be sincere about it.
Pouting and nagging gets bad results. Sweetness begets sweetness. I've had wonderful long-term relationships that were quite successful; but I had to learn a lot over time to maintain that success. You love him enough to marry him; so don't contradict it all by now deciding he's a bad guy for giving you his opinion of your behavior. He probably thinks you're obsessing about your weight. Dare he should say so!
"We do have a great relationship and I know he is the one for me."
If this is so, then what is the complaint?
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reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (19 February 2016):
 Men(and I know this 'cause I am one)are not too good on the subject of 'feelings' We tend to see "feelings" as something you should try to control and not discuss. For example; If aunt Mable dies and you and she were not all that close, Being distraught over her death is a feeling that should be suppressed and not cried about in public. That may sound harsh to some but let that 'marinate' for a while. Men are taught to avoid letting their feeling show therefore having feelings or discussing feelings is paramount to wasting time thinking about something that's not relevant.
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