A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend is still close to his soon to be ex wife and it really annoys me. they talk regularly on the phone, text a lot and meet up whenever they can. she lives over 200 miles away now but she is a threat to my relationship. my boyfriend chris has told me that they slept together once after they split up but that it was just "something" that needed to be done to get it out of their systems. she left him and now i am worried if she says she will take him back he will go running. he says i have nothing to worry about but i cannot help it. i even deleted her off his msn, threw out her address and erased her mobile number so he couldn't contact her but he said i was being petty. i even text her and told her to fuck off and leave my man alone but she just told him what i'd done and he said i needed to accept she would always be a part of his life or we had no future together. why won't he understand that i love him and she doesn't as she left him?
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female
reader, shandygirl  +, writes (27 September 2008):
 Do they have kids together? If so, then you are stuck with having her in your life.
I understand completely how you feel and why you react the way that you do. But, if they have unfinished business, there is nothing you can do about it. And anything you do will only make YOU look like the villan.
So, I guess you are faced with a very HARD choice. Pretend it doesn't bother you, while it is eating you up inside. OR, tell him that you can't tolerate this situation, he has NOT have her, or NOT have you.
I am sorry that I couldn't give you better advice. I was in a situation like this once. I fought. Just like you. And after 2 years of tears and hurt, I won. But it was HELL all the way. I eventually broke up with him after I won. Because I resented him for putting me though it.
Take Care xxx
A
female
reader, rummykub +, writes (26 September 2008):
 Hi there,
I totally understand how you are feeling, and it is completely normal. However, I do think this is something you are going to have to rationalize in your own head and learn to live with it if you are going to stay with him. They have every right to stay friends if that's what they want, and that should be ok with you, as long as it's all above board, like the occasional email or catch up once in a while, pref with you too.
Don't start looking at his emails and txts though - for your sanity as well as his right to privacy - it will drive you to despair reading meaning that isn't there, and will probably split you up in the end (I did this but have stopped now). Don't forget also that some people are flirty in emails which they assume other won't see, for a range of reasons, it doesn't mean there is anything in it. If you are checking - STOP NOW!!!
Def best not to threaten her either, as of course she'll tell him, and you come off looking bad!
I also have feelings of insecurity and jealousy with my bf, even about his girlfriend from 15 years ago who lives in US (I fear too that there is unfinished business and that he would rather be with her if he could - he emails her still, and I pretend I am fine with it and act all lighthearted, whereas of course I wish she would spontaneously combust! I had some great advice from the aunts on this - see 'are his emails to his ex empty flirtation or leading to a fling?' if your interested) I know how sick it can make you feel. But you just have to distract yourself from it and trust him if you can and believe that he is with you because he loves you and wants to be with you. Their relationship didn't work out, whoever ended it, and he loves you now.
Good luck.
x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2008): In my opinion you are not grown up enough for this relationship. He and his ex wife have been adult enough to end civily and even friendly by the sounds of things. You will never get rid of her if he wants her in his life. You need to wake up and realise this man will never give her up for a petty girlfriend who is going out of her way to make trouble. I apologise for being harsh but i believe its the truth.
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