A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm at my wits end. Please help me. My boyfriend, who I've been with for 9 months, is very caring and we get on really well together. We spend a lot of our free time together and I would say that I'm definitely in love with him. The problem is that he's scared of intimacy. He's OK with kissing and hugging and all that but whenever we start to get more intimate he pulls back. I know he's aroused when we make out on the bed but he just stops in the middle of everything, gets up, goes into the bathroom and masturbates. I've spoken at length about this behaviour to him and he says he gets too anxious when we're about to make love and this fear causes him to push me away and relieve himself. I'm very frustrated because he won't change and am considering dumping him for being so weak-willed. But before I do I want to know is there any way to get him to behave like a man and not a scared little boy? Thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2008): Your frustration is completely understandable, as is your dilemma about whether to stay or go.
You write that he won't change, and I don't know if this is because he has said he will not get help. He will need help to get over this problem, so if he is refusing to do this, probably you have no alternative but to leave.
If he does find the courage to get help, however, there has to be some hope. Good luck.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2008): If you love him stay and help him like someone who loves someone would do and not do as everyone else may say and just leave him because he has a problem. Sex isn't everything but the world is really taking a turn for the worst.meh.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2008): Well I'm inclined to disagree with the previous answers and agree with your summing up. Yea, it's a shame your feelings for him run so deep because ultimately, do you want to be lumbered with a man with deep psychological problems?
So what is he too anxious about? C'mon, this is too weird for most people to handle. Stick with him and you may find yourself dragged into a downward, spiralling pit of depression and God-knows-what-else. Why not take a break from eachother on the proviso he sorts himself out, then see what happens. I personally can't imagine how you can give him any positive help, other than recommend to him some professional help. Anyway, if he gets over this hurdle, who's to say there won't be other psychological issues to deal with further up the road?
I wish you good luck.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (15 September 2008):
I think salt water is being a bit harsh.
But I do think you have to be a little bit understanding.
If you can't get him to see a therapist then why not take it in stages? Agree with him that when he disappears off to the bathroom, you will go with him and join in.
The stress free environment of the bathroom might allow him to let you in a bit.
Make him talk about it and find out what you can do to edge closer to having sex.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
male
reader, saltwater +, writes (15 September 2008):
 "scared little boy"
That sounds harsh. You should really be encouraging him to overcome this issue. I don't know all the details and it might well be he is acting childish; but it sounds a bit more serious...after all pretty much every lad would choose sex over masturbation so I can't think that this is a petty issue.
Short of convincing him to go to some sex therapy or counselling sessions to find out why he is anxious of intimacy, you should engage in large amounts of foreplay. Take things very, very slowly. You know he is aroused -- that's a good start. But after he gets aroused carry on getting intimate, but go slowly and at his pace.
But take a firm line with him as well. After all, you want to be sexually fulfilled as well. Explain your needs to him. Make him understand that he needs to sort this out quickly...but be supportive of him.
I think his issue is more serious than your making out here...like I said I would convince him to see a sex therapist or related specialist.
"....am considering dumping him for being so weak-willed."
But all of the above said, surely if you loved him you would take more time than 9 months to help him overcome this problem...?
Take care.
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