A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I just moved in with my boyfriend a little over a month ago, and he's really started to grate on me.He doesn't have a job, but his parents pay for his rent and living expenses (he's in his late 20s for what it's worth). This annoys me, because I like being financially responsible for myself, and it brings me satisfaction to know I'm providing for my own life. Somehow, when he just gets money from his parents to pay half the rent, I feel like I'm less independent. I would understand if he just couldn't find a job in this economy, but he never even looks. He doesn't even seem to want to look, claiming that he probably wouldn't like working (but, if he's not qualified for a job he likes now, how will he ever be if he doesn't get some work experience?)Additionally, he's lazy about cleaning and tidying. After moving in, I was ok about getting all my stuff unpacked. He's still not fully unpacked, and he has all day to do it. He never shops for groceries, and will eat my food if I leave it in the fridge so when I come home from work sometimes I have nothing to eat. I don't even want to bother buying food for myself anymore. I've even offered to give him money to buy food if it's an expense issue, but it's just because he's too lazy to go to the store (like, he'll flat out refuse to go if it's raining out.)He has no friends, and he does no activities where he could make any. The only activities he considers doing are ones I specifically suggest (like, going to yoga with me or attending a building workshop) but he never comes up with any ideas on his own. I think he might be depressed (he's struggled with depression before) but I don't know what to do about it since he refuses to see a psychiatrist. Additionally, I can't afford to split up right now since I'd have to pay out 3 months of rent, which I don't have (but, it'll be about 11 months until our lease ends.) I may be able to save up the money in a few months, but I'm trying to save to eventually start my own business so any money I spend now will push back the time it takes for me to be able to do that.I guess what I'm trying to figure out is, should I save to break up with him? Are there things I can do to save our relationship? (I'm finding myself really not attracted to him in this state, so I'd need to deal with that also if I stay with him long term.) Should I be nice to him for the next year, and try to help him get out of his depression, then move out on my own? What do you guys think?
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male
reader, Universe Man +, writes (9 September 2010):
Here's another vote for "Why did you move in with him?"
You JUST moved in with him. And he has all these qualities that you disapprove of. And now you want to figure out how to change all these things about him. I don't get it. Yes, we could judge him from here to eternity, and agree that he needs to change all these things, and tell you to sit down and talk to him and give you things to suggest to him... but for goodness sake, you PICKED him!
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (9 September 2010):
 He's definitely depressed staying in all day, losing interest in all activities, and big time changes in behavior. Has he never held down a job? Has he finished school, maybe has a degree he can use? Yeah, the economy still blows and jobs are still hard to come by even if you have a bachelor's...but as long as he's put in the effort to look but sometimes I can see it getting exhausting and giving up because it's just too easy.
I put off cleaning because I'm too busy answering questions on here, LOL. No guy I know grocery shops and if they do they end up spending way more money than they should. Plus, I hate grocery shopping in the rain so I avoid it too. But he's using it as a sorry excuse.
Ultimately, he's depressed and that is hindering him from enjoying activities and motivation. He has to get help with that first, then the rest will fall into place. I would talk to his parents about his depression, tell them you're concerned that he does nothing all day, and maybe they can help you convince him to seek help...However once he gets help then it's going to take some time for him to get better it's not just going to happen overnight. That's only if you want to stay with him...It sounds to me like you're ready to opt out of this relationship. If you've lost all that's there for him, and the relationship just isn't doing it for you anymore then I would save money, buy a separate little fridge with a lock and put your food in there then give him money to go to the store to grocery shop for himself. He will have to go because the fridge will be empty, or he'll starve. Then bid your time until you can afford to get out.
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A
female
reader, LLindy87 +, writes (9 September 2010):
 didn't you realize he was lazy before you moved in with him? Or did he suddenly change?
I don't see the rent thing as a huge problem because at least his half is getting paid...it would be a bigger issue if he was lazy and put all the rent on you.
However, it is hard to watch someone do nothing with their life. Perhaps you can start encouraging him (not nagging) to find a job, work on his talents and interests.
Also, start setting boundaries. When you buy food and its gone when you get home, tell him that you have nothing to eat now and its not fair that you spend the money and he sits around and he can't be doing that.
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A
female
reader, Jendorset  +, writes (9 September 2010):
I think you need to have a serious talk with him. Tell him you want him to get a job. Not just for the money but so he is doing somthing and not sitting around all day. Also if he isnt working he should be cooking and keeping the place tidy for you as you are busy. If all else fails then yes save up so that you can leave him. It may put business plans behind but if you are starting a business he will only add stress.
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A
female
reader, Mystery woman  +, writes (9 September 2010):
This might sound absurd but didn't you guys think it through before moving in with each other? I mean are you only now discovering these things about him being jobless/lazy/friendless etc..?If so then it was a pretty hasty decision I guess..but there's no point crying over spilt milk..So here's what I think you could do..
If you think he's depressed then the best thing and the quickest remedy for him would be a distraction -- like a job or a fun activity..you get the drift,right?..the lesser he thinks about whatever's keeping him so low, the faster he'll be able to get back on his feet..!
But what I'm not able to understand is why he doesn't want to work..does he think his parents are going to support him all his life? Does he like depending on other people?What if someday you guys get married and have kids? How does he plan on supporting the family then? I don't mean to get you down but just trying to make you see the practicality of the situation..this is not a joke..this is real life!
If you want to make this relationship work, you are going to have to put in a lot of effort but if you are ambitious (which I think you are and which is a really good thing) and keen on being successful in life then you need to break up..
Hope you make the right decision..
Good luck!
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