A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Recently, my boyfriend of about 9 months said that he and his ex-wife were planning to take their 5 year old daughter on vacation to Disneyworld. They've been divorced for a few years, and live about three hours apart, but share equal custody of the child, who I was recently introduced to and the three of us have been spending a lot of time together. I've never met his ex, but apparently she looks at my Facebook page, and often asks about me and talks bad about me to my boyfriend. He tells her to stop, etc, tells me that she's just jealous. She is engaged and lives with another man, so I don't see what her problem is. Anyway, I told him I thought it was strange that he would want to go on vacation with his ex. He's a great dad, and I understand doing something nice for the child, but he can still be a great parent without his ex being there! He said I was welcome to go too, but I wouldn't want to spend any extended time with this woman who talks bad about me. For now, he said the trip is off because the ex didn't want to spend the money right now, but I'm worried about this coming up again. Should I put up a fuss if it does? Is it at all appropriate for my man to vacation with his ex-wife??
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2012): I've been there and it sucks. My boyfriend went on a "family" vacation and in the beginning, a movie and "family" night. I was not comfortable with it and voiced my opinion but he still had his vacation. Sleeping in seperate rooms etc.Does he or has he done family things for the sake of his daughter? If so, I agree with other responses that it's not good and will only confuse the daughter more. Kids want their parents together and she'll be hopefull each time they act like the family they were.How does the fiance feel about this I wonder? If you were welcomed to go along I say go! Maybe if you see with your own eyes that there is nothing there and that it is truly for the sake of the little girl you'll feel better about it. Good luck and I hope it works out for you
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female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (30 June 2012):
yes you should be upset! wtf?? I would be asking myself if he is committed to your relationship as much as hes letting on... you need to ask him if he minds you vacationing with an ex
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2012): There is no reason that your bf needs to go on vacation with his ex wife.He can go on vacation with their daughter. She can go on vacation with their daughter.There is no reason all three of them have to go together.This is very confusing to the child. The child will not understand why they dont' also live together. If you're trying to help your child adjust to separate households with separate families, then keep them separate. If you want to combine families, then the new spouses/partners should also be there as well. Otherwise, your blurring the lines about what the status of this family is. Divorced or not? To everyone who feels they should carry on: how would you feel if your partner/significant other/spouse went on vacation (without you) with someone of the opposite sex whom you know they had once been intimate with? Would you be OK with that? so now add a small child into the mix. Now it's OK?no one is saying he shouldn't vacation with his daughter. But please think very carefully what message this is sending to be vacationing with another adult of the opposite gender while you're in a relationship with another person.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2012): OP, thanks for additional backround."The problem I have is that this woman seems to be a little more involved with his life than I care for."A legitimate and valid concern, unfortunately since there is a child involved your boyfriend can never be completely free of his ex-wife. Unfortunately some divorced spouses are self-centered and uncaring enough to use children as a means to keep themselves ingratiated in their ex-spouses lives and/ot as a weapon against their exes, depending on their sick twisted pathology of the moment. "One thing that she has alluded to is being bothered because I am white (they are both black)."One more weapon ex can use to poison kid's mind against you. You face a very formidable obstacle who is not going away, be forewarned it will be incredibly difficult to overcome unreasonable ex's presence in boyfriend's life via daughter. Boyfriend doesn't get off scot free, he picked ex to be his wife and he picked her to be the mother of his child, decisions with lifetime repercussions both good and bad as you are now discovering. You need to give this relationship VERY serious consideration, dynamics are NOT going to change.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate everyone's advice. Yes, my boyfriend and I are serious, exclusive, and committed, therefore I do think it's my business who he goes on vacation with. We both have a child, and we have begun the slow transition of joining our two families together, one baby step at a time. Yes, he told me things his ex has said about me, but it's ok with me, considering we are very open and honest with each other. The problem I have is that this woman seems to be a little more involved with his life than I care for. She's always texting him, asking him for advice and stuff like that. She has a new man now, but I think she is starting to realize that her ex loves me now and it doesn't sit well with her for whatever reason. One thing that she has alluded to is being bothered because I am white (they are both black). Well, I think that if the vacation topic comes up again, I will just go.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2012): You are with your bf for only 9 months: are you both seeking more from this relationship? What are both your intention? Living together/committed exclusive relationship/possible marriage later on. So again I ask: what exactly are you and your bf? Now to the ex: competing with each other? Why? Your facebook: how do you know she's checking you out? Your bf telling you stories? I don't have a FB account but I can assure you that people are curious and they tend to sneak a peek. Because FB is so open/in the public domain, you cannot stop them from having a peek. Irritating I know, but such is life when you lead a "public" life, have all of your private life displayed. Look FB is great but it is known to cause major issues and I think in your case it has. She is obviously curious to know who/what/how you live your life. Perhaps a possible step mum to her kid and since you have both not met face to face then FB is the answer for her getting "the dirt into your life" . Then the more important issue: joint holiday. Have they been on holiday previously while divorced?Does her fiance trust her with her ex hb, your newish bf?Are they friends? Or do they tolerate each other only?They live 3 hours away from each other. Do they socialise in the same/different circles?The 5 year old: what is her expectation from mum and dad?Your bf invited you to join them. So everything is out in the open. What exactly are you afraid of? Look different strokes for different folks. Your bf knows what is best for him and his kid. If he has no issues with the ex then you trod along as well.To go on holiday or not to go. Men think differently than us. For him its no big deal. For you, you are either panick strickened or overwhelmed by this step mamma aspect or you downright loath his ex and the least interaction he has with her the better.I don't know what the correct answer is but play it by ear. Dictating to the new bf of what he is allowed to do and not to do may cause problems during your honeymoon phase of the relationship. LoveGirl
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 June 2012):
 How about if you and your boyfriend take his daughter to DL without her mom.
I'm sorry I was a divorced mom of young kids (they are now grown) and there was No way in hell i was going on any vacation with my ex once we were apart.
Now we had DINNER together now and then but NEVER a vacation.
I respectfully disagree with the aunts that think this is ok.
I think it's confusing for the children to see mom and dad together and having a good time... makes them wonder why the family isn't whole.
I agree that you should block her from your facebook page. I had to block my ex and his wife because of all the drama she creates...
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 June 2012):
 Make your Facebook private. That is #1.
Secondly, I would go if you are invited. Don't worry about her, go have a great time and let this little girl be surrounded by 3 adults who love her. Pretty sure the ex isn't going to act like a total cow in front of her child.
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reader, Ciar  +, writes (29 June 2012):
 I can understand your misgivings about this, and it was in poor taste and poor judgment for your boyfriend to relay his ex's negative remarks about you. It's possible that he misunderstood them and they weren't that bad after all. Sharing them with you may be his way of maintaining some distance between you and she (for his sake).
In any event, just because things didn't start off on the best foot doesn't mean they can't end that way. If you play your cards right you and she could get on very well.
You've been invited to join them so join them (whether her fiance goes or not). Be cordial and friendly (but not warm and fuzzy) with the ex and have your own back up plan in case things go sour. Have enough money set aside that you can either enjoy the rest of trip by yourself or buy a plane ticket back by yourself.
Next time your boyfriend starts to relay nasty messages, cut him off at the pass. Be upbeat but decisive and firm.
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reader, G's_Girl  +, writes (29 June 2012):
 Dear Anonymous,
Sure, the precious little 5 year old girl is entitled to mommy and daddy time, however, they are not married anymore, which automatically brings about change.
The fact that daddy has a new girlfriend, and mommy has a new boyfriend, THAT is the new family unit. So all the adults concerned should travel together, as separate couples, who ALL have the best interests of the child in mind. That way, she knows when she is with mommy, it's that family unit who all love her. When she is at daddy's it's the other family unit who also all love her. Like that, it's a win win situation.
The two ex's travelling alone sends out a different message, and everyone will assume they are a family including the girl, and that is just not so.
You and her fiance going just to check up on them is not the right motivation, because you should trust your partner. So it's not about that. It's about the fact that YOU are his girlfriend now, and therefore entitled to be there, and to share in the wonderful holiday time, with him and his daughter. The same goes for his ex wife and her new fiance. He is equally entitled to be there, to spend time with her and her daughter. All the adults going allows the real couples to enjoy themselves, while sharing special time with his daughter. Don't worry about his ex wife, what she says and does. She is not important in the grand scheme of things: your boyfriend and his happiness, and his daughter, is what is important.
So let him know you have thought about it a lot, and that even though it's off the cards right now, if it comes up again, you WOULD like to go with them, to share the wonderful time, and don't allow anyone to spoil what you have with him. Focus on YOU & HIM, and his little girl.
Enjoy what you have, and be happy!
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2012): "Is it at all appropriate for my man to vacation with his ex-wife??"
Agree with Anonymous123, it is completely appropriate for a father and mother to vacation with their daughter, in daughter's eyes both parents remain members of her family in equal good standing and that should never change. Incredibly selfish and short-sighted on your part that you would want to actively drive a wedge into a five-year-old's relationship with her parents. Kid has enough problems being the product of a broken home, absent a certificate of marriage you have absolutely zero right or interest to be sticking your nose into a situation that does not concern you at all.
When you get involved with the father of a minor child, it is a package deal including both child and baby mama. Very presumptuous of you to assume that your presence in boyfriend's life supercedes his obligations as co-parent to his daughter to whom you have no legal relationship or parental authority.
If you are going to resent ex-wife's continued presence in bf's life as mother and co-parent of his daughter, you might as well end the relationship now rather than ultimately force boyfriend to choose daughter over you, which he will as he should.
A child's right to have both parents in her life supercedes rights of divorced parents' unmarried boy/girlfriends, even when they are shacking up together.
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reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (29 June 2012):
 I know its a difficult situation to be in, but spare a thought for the child involved! She is entitled to time with her mum and dad because no matter what, they are her parents first and only then are they someone else's partners. You could tag along and so could the fiance, but what would that be like? One big party, each to keep an eye on the other just because you don't like the idea of your boyfriend with his ex wife and kid!
If you don't trust your boyfriend even one tiny bit, what kind of a relationship is this? This is a woman he divorced because obviously there were problems, he is now with you and she is with someone else and the poor kid is caught in between. Your boyfriend and his ex need not be husband and wife on the trip, they will be mom and dad and I think you should learn to deal with that. You cant keep an eye on him all the time. If you trust him then let him go.
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reader, pinktopaz +, writes (29 June 2012):
I think if you're invited, then you should go if it comes up in the future. And I agree with janniepeg, her fiance should go too. If it's a vacation with just them two and their child, then yes, weird and cause for concern.
I know you don't want to meet her because she speaks negatively of you, but she also doesn't know you. Is it highly immature and insecure of her? Yes. But don't let her get to you. If anything, you should meet her and kill her with kindness. She still might talk bad about you, and say what? "She was so nice it was disgusting." So what? Or she may end up liking you and deciding you're not so bad. It's easy to speak poorly upon a person you don't know, especially out of jealousy. Plus, I think if you handle it well, your boyfriend will be glad--especially if she acts like a child.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2012): It is highly inappropriate for him to be going or planning a vacation with his ex wife. I understand he wants to make his daughter happy, but this is the WRONG way to do it.Not unless both you and the ex wife's new bf also came along.but if it's just him and his ex wife and their daughter, no. This is inappropriate. Will they be sleeping in separate rooms? It's wrong because this is confusing his child, it is showing the child that even if people get divorced and end relationships, they can still act and behave as if they are romantic partners even while in relationships with new people. Vacationing with someone of the opposite sex, who is a former intimate partner, and is not your current partner IS not the right way to behave if you're in a new relationship.It also sends the message that children can control the adults around them and dictate their parents' romantic lives. Just because the child will be happy to see her divorced parents back together like old times, the adults have to make it so? No, this is wrong.He's a good dad for caring about his daughter's feelings and wanting her to be happy. But this is the WRONG WAY to do it.
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reader, janniepeg +, writes (29 June 2012):
 Next time there's a mention about disneyland, tell your husband that you would go if only her fiance goes too. Then you should have no problems about who sleeps with who at night. Tell your husband if he rooms with his ex wife you are going to spend the night at her fiance's.
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