A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone! I need some advice on a situation. I’ve been dating this guy for 1 month but I’ve known him for 5 months. I always said I would never date a guy with kids and when I asked him in the beginning if he has kids, he said he’s doing a DNA test to find out because she cheated on him which is why they broke up. O.k. we continued getting to know each other till one day he told me that he’s the father. He asked me to give him a chance and I did so we started dating. I recently found out that he’s paying all of his ex’s bills. He told me she doesn’t have a job and hes doing it till she finds a job. I do not agree with that at all. He said its his choice to do that saying if he doesn’t pay her bills, she will put him on child support. Her car broke down and the total cost to fix it is $350 which she text him so he can fix it. Am I crazy for thinking that’s not right? I don’t get why he can’t just be put on child support even though he is taking care of his son and spends time with him, and won’t have to deal with her. Is it wrong for me to ask him that? I broke up with him today over something I found out like him and his ex calling and texting each other more than they should. He found her two jobs interviews which she missed I THINK on purpose so he can keep paying her bills and she can be lazy. The sum of all her bills is more than the child support he would have to pay is what Im thinking. What do you all say? Can I ask him to stop paying her bills? What do you all think? It’s tearing me apart because I really care for him and don’t want to lose him and think she’s using him. Thanks in advance!
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst of all, I want to thank everyone that replied so qiuickly. I absolutely love this site and appreciate all of your answers! Thanks so much!To mpumie, I was thinking the same thing. I told him that I think he still love her and should be with her instead of me, but he's saying that's not true and he loves me and if he didn' he wouldn't be trying to make it work. Thanks for answering! To Xearo, I am realizing that also. He don't have to be in that position. So do you think I could make him choose? It's either you are with me or you are with her. I have no problem absolutely with him paying her money for their son, such as clothing, food, diapers. But to be paying her cell phone, fix her car, and give her money whenever she asks is too much. Thanks so much!To missmatador, all I really want is happiness with him and nothing more. This is my first serious relationship and it was exciting getting to know someone new. I definitely agree with what you say. He needs to understand that I am not trying to control how he spends his money but looking out for his interest. He's trying to keep her happy..for what? I have no idea. We talked today and he's telling me to tell him what he have to do so we can be happy again. I want him to figure it out instead of me having to tell him. If no changes are made then we can't be together again and will eventually have to move on. Thanks for answering!To iAmHereToHelpYou, I do agree and honestly feel as if thats the better choice. He won't have to worry about her anymore and just their child. Or do he not want her out of his life is probably the question. He will only have to deal with her when it comes to their child. You do have a point there. He specifically told me that he's trying to keep her happy so that she won't put him on child support. He might as well be put on child support since hes still paying her money. So what happens when she gets upset? What will you do now. Thanks for your answer!To sarcy24, I really don't mind him having contact with her. But why can't it just be about their son. They text and talk in the early morning hours from around 1 am to sometimes around 5 am. I sure do agree with your advice. He wants me to give him a second chance but I feel as though I can't unless he decides he will stop paying her bills and just be there and take care of his son. I'm not going to tell him to do that, but I told him some changes need to be made in order for me to take him back starting with that. Thanks for your answer!To Cerberus, I don't think the bill he is paying for her can be considered his child's bill. Paying for food, clothes, diapers, and baby wipes are what he should be spending his money on for his son. Not spending his money on her car, her cell phone bill, her car insurance, and whatever she pleases. She is using him. She could be working but because of what he's doing, she decided what's the use when hes paying everything for her. But I don't blame her, I blame him and it's either me or her. I would never tell him to choose between me and his child. I respect his relationship with his son. I believe if he was on child support, everything would be fine. I would have nothing to be insecure about. He is the one telling me that she wanted him back and I wonder why. I am willing to let him go, even though it will hurt me terribly, since that will be for the best. Thanks for answering!To eyeswideopen, The reason why I said I would never date a guy with kids because most of the time it comes with drama from the ex. But after him, I will not be dating guys with kids. Even though I broke up with him, he still wants a second chance which is why I wanted advice from you all. Thanks for answering!To oldbag, I will be doing just that unless he makes some changes. But she lives with her mom, so there is no way she will be homeless. Thanks for answering!To anonymous, I agree 100% on that! I haven't mentioned that to him, but I know a little about how the courts are. There is no proof that hes been paying her money and she can say he hasn't given her a dime. That's what I'm afraid will happen to him if she doesn't get her way one day. I have a male friend whose on child support because he didn't want to be with his ex but she wanted to be with him, so she put him on child support. I certainly agree with you, unless he decides what he will do and what his relationship with her will be, then we will not work out. Thanks for yor answer!To So_Very_Confused, Yes, I do believe that would be the best. I can cope with the fact that he will have to pay her child support. What I don't agree with is the disrespect they both have for the relationship. They talk about unappropriate things that should not happen with an ex. And then wants me to believe nothing is going on. But thanks for your answer!Thanks again to everyone!!!!!!!
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 June 2012):
 I disagree with Cerberus that ALL her expenses are his responsibility. He has a responsibility to pay child support to his child at LEAST until age 18 maybe longer. I have a disabled adult child. I send money every month to my ex-husband who is his legal guardian to help pay his (my child’s) bills. Children are OUR children FOREVER no matter what. Hopefully after college they manage to support themselves.
I think that child support is a better idea. He can call an attorney and find out what his CS payment by law would be… if it’s something he can afford then he can offer it to her and tell her that it’s the law that he pay that much. That way if they are friendly enough it does not have to go to court… which I can tell you will not go well for them… AND sadly if she’s not working her CS payment from him is HIGHER. BUT once he finds a job he can go back to court to have that reduced.
IF you can NOT cope with this however, it’s better for you to leave.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2012): Just to add my two cents... He should get a court order to pay child support because if he ever pisses her off then she could sue him saying he never gave her money to support their child. He can also give her extra money until she is on her feet. I think a relationship with him won't work right now because he has to figure his boundaries with her first.
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (5 June 2012):
 Hi
Kindest thing you can do is stay broken up with him. You can't cope with the scenario and it will never change, go find a child-free man. He will never put you and your views first because he is decent and doesn't want to leave his innocent child without a decent home etc
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (5 June 2012):
 Well if you broke up with him today, then it's moot at this point. I think you are very wise about not dating a guy with kids, you obviously can't handle that senario.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2012): He's not paying her bills he's paying his child's bills. Child support on its own may not be enough if she's not working and may be left short. OP that's the car she uses to transport the kid places.
I think you should walk away and stay away from guys with kids OP you can't handle them.
His ex will always be part of his life and what is acceptable contact is not up to you. Their financial arrangement is none of your business either.
Look it's been a month and it's already tearing you apart. The situation is permanent, they will always have contact and even if he went on child support you'd find another reason to be jealous and insecure. They'll be together a lot over Xmas and during the kids birthdays, at school plays and any other significant life event of their child. She and his kid are part of the package. Either you learn to deal with that now oryou move on. If you try to fight this and force him to choose he will always choose his child. You cant win in that situation.
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A
female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (5 June 2012):
 Personally I would get out of the relationship now. He is going to be paying for this child for the rest of his life and there is going to be endless contact between him and the mother and if it is not something you can cope with now I would move on as it is only going to get worse. You cannot ask him to stop paying her whatever he wants to pay her even if it is well above child support as the choice is his and really none of your business. You are his girlfriend and have not been with him very long and unfortunately you have no rights to request anything of him. He will probably find out himself that when he has no money left that it will be cheaper to pay child support but until he figures this out there is nothing you can do. If you want to keep him you are going to have to keep your views to yourself and just be supportive. What you need to learn here is whether you feel something is right or not that it is not your place to comment and he really won't want to hear your views. Without doubt the mother is taking him for a ride and sees him as a meal ticket but you cannot influence this in any way. I have been through something similar where I tried to influence something and it backfired dramatically so do be very careful in what you say and do if you want to keep him.
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A
female
reader, missmatador +, writes (5 June 2012):
 Dear Anon,It really sucks playing second string to an old relationship. I think it's important for you to realize your own self-worth in this situation.The start of a relationship is supposed to be exciting and loving and it doesn't sound like you're having much fun at all! It sounds to me as though he is still quite heavily invested in his past relationship, emotionally and financially and, although you care for him a great deal, you need to be looking out for yourself and your own feelings.He is right in saying that you have no input on how he chooses to spend his money and you can't control how she controls him.You can, however, deliver him the ultimatum that you will support him and his son emotionally but you're not willing to be in a relationship with someone who seems to be so embedded in his past relationship beyond what is nessessary. And although that might see a little unfair, you have a right to be happy with your partner.I hope I helped.Miss Matadorxxx
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (5 June 2012):
Yes she is using him BUT he wants to be in that position. We all know the real issue is not just about the bills, but the fact that he is taking care of a girl that he broke up with. It is either he is with you or her. Not both. This situation is unbearable and I think you are wasting your time with this guy. You should stick to your morals/rules.
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A
female
reader, mpumie  +, writes (5 June 2012):
 Sorry to tell u this bt somehow yo man is still involved with this women. Its very clear. Why is he paying her bills? Wake up an smell the coffee before its too late.' U take care of some1 because ur still in love with them.
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