A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:hi my boyfriend of 2 years moved in with me.he is on the dole.he gives me 30 pounds a week to help with bills and food.i work min wage so I pay for all the bills really.if we go out I pay.i never expect my boyfriend to pay because he only has savings from his past to live off.his mam just demanded him to give her 5 hundred to buy a new carpet.this annoyed me because there are jobs that need doing in our home but I don't ask for his savings,his mam has and hes thinking of giving her the money.i feel its not right.what do you say?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 March 2018):
 I just saw your update, OP, and I'd like to add something :
while of course I do not know why the old lady asked your bf for money rather than his siblings, I can offer a reasonable guess.
She did not ask money to the brother or the sister precisely because they earn an income, and with that income they provide for themselves and their families if they have one. That means they have to PAY for stuff. Rent or mortgage, bills,clothing, cars, home repairs, family vacations etc. etc. While your boyfriend , as his mother will know, does not have any costs to pay or financial responsibilities. He does not have to spend anything, but 30 pounds a week. He lives rent free and hassle free . So, mom might have thought that he is surely in a better position to help her, even if that means dipping into his savings. Because it's not like he would ever need money too badly - as long as everything is being paid for him.
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (15 March 2018):
What it is not right first of all is that he is basically living off you, well knowing that you work at min wage and you cannot afford to support another adult. 30 pounds a week is a drop in the sea, the effort is to be appreciated but at the end of the day ,if he wants to live with you, he should not just " help out a little " , he should pay half of rent utilies food entertainment whatever. I feel though that this situation is as much your responsibility ( let's not call it fault ) as his, I don't think he held you at gun point to make you take him in, and you should know that it is what it is- unluckily you just can't afford an unemployed unproductive impecunious live in boyfriend. You offer help, that you cannot afford; he accepts help knowing that you struggle. Both IMO equally responsible for the problems you are dealing with.
Personally,anyway, I do not even agree with the idea that " he should put you first ". Why ? That's his mother, for Pete's sake ! He has known her and loved since the past 50 or 60 years , while for you it's a boyfriend ( not even husband ) of two years. No contest, IMO. It's true that you have done much for him since when you took him in - less than 2 years. But I bet that his own mother did more, and for a much longer time, at least way back then.
Mind you, I understand your reasoning and it certainly makes sense : " If he has got money to burn and can so easily take 500 pounds out of his savings, why then rather than buying stuff for his mom doesn't he pay me back part of what I have spent on him till now ? " Because you spoiled him ! because you made the rules- and it's not his fault if you made too lax , easy rules (probably in your eagerness to keep him around ). Rather than " Sure darling , stay on the dole and just give me a pittance , I'll take care of you " you should have said " The upkeep of this house is x monthly; x for food, x for utilities etc. Your share would be X , check very well if you can afford it - because you would be owing me X a year ". Now, he does not even feel that he owes you anything, even morally, other the 30 pounds a week you have agreed to make do with.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (15 March 2018):
 Regardless if your boyfriend's mother wants new carpet or not he should be contributing enough to your household expenses to cover his living expenses. A minimum wage is not enough to cover the costs for two people.
Sit down and do your sums, he needs to be paying enough to cover his food, entertainment and utilities AS A MINIMUM. If you are renting it would be simple to split all costs 50/50. If you own your home then remember he is not liable for mortgage as the house is ultimately yours (check the UK laws make sure he cant claim your estate if you pass away suddenly), but he needs to pay a little more than food, utilities etc to cover the wear and tear on other items such as your linens, washing machine which is now doing double duty and other household items.
If he was paying a fair amount to cover his costs you would not now be feeling used because you are going without but his mother isn't.
Maybe once you and he work out a more equitable arrangement for your household he will be able to budget in helping his mother as she nears the end of her life.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (15 March 2018):
Regardless if your boyfriend's mother wants new carpet or not he should be contributing enough to your household expenses to cover his living expenses. A minimum wage is not enough to cover the costs for two people.
Sit down and do your sums, he needs to be paying enough to cover his food, entertainment and utilities AS A MINIMUM. If you are renting it would be simple to split all costs 50/50. If you own your home then remember he is not liable for mortgage as the house is ultimately yours (check the UK laws make sure he cant claim your estate if you pass away suddenly), but he needs to pay a little more than food, utilities etc to cover the wear and tear on other items such as your linens, washing machine which is now doing double duty and other household items.
If he was paying a fair amount to cover his costs you would not now be feeling used because you are going without but his mother isn't.
Maybe once you and he work out a more equitable arrangement for your household he will be able to budget in helping his mother as she nears the end of her life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2018): You don't know how much money your boyfriend's mother may have given or loaned him over the years. Considering parents sacrifice for their kids all the time. It could be monies he owed her.
The choices you've made don't restrict him from lending it to his mother, or spending it as he pleases.
Is there a contractual-agreement between you and your boyfriend that his mother isn't allowed to ask him for money as long as he's living with you?
If not, he can give her as much as he wants. How would you know for sure she hasn't asked his siblings? Even if he's a soft-touch, it's better that he helps his mum; than wasting it on nonsense, or some other woman.
It was your decision to take him in while he's unemployed; and your decision not to take his money while you cover most of the bills. That leaves him to do with his money as he pleases. Did he say his mother wouldn't pay him back?
Frankly, if he can't hold-up his end; you never should have asked him to move-in with you. He should have stayed with his mother.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for your point of view.it was his mam who asked for the money.yet she has another son working full time he hasn't been asked.nor his sister.just my boyfriend he appears to be a soft touch.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2018): If his mum wants a new carpet she should pay for it herself. If your partner wants to buy her a new carpet it's up to him but he should contribute a fair amount towards his living expenses first. Explain to him how you feel and that you would like him to contribute a fair share if he can afford to
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (14 March 2018):
 It is your choice to take care of your boyfriend and pay most off the bills. If he wants to give his money to his mother again it is his choice. I do understand your point of view. Sit down and talk to him and tell him how it makes you feel. You do so much for him so off course it would be nice to feel appreciated. This is not his mothers fault though, it is his fault for thinking about giving it to her, he should be putting you first but he is not.
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