A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been involved with a guy who was originally an affair who i left an an abusive relationship for. It hasnt been easy to say the least as we also work together. He stays at mine all the time and is with me every night, however, I just dont feel that the relationship is progressing. He has not introduced me to any of his friends or family, and has also never introduced me to his daughter either. I sometimes feel like the other woman or a big secret. There has been a lot of issues already between us, ie rumours about him and another girl at work (which arent true), and me and my ex and him following me around. Then there's also been family issues with my sister causing trouble between me and my ex, and also with this guy. I do genuinely love him and really feel like I want to be with him on the long term, but at times I don't feel I am getting the same back. Why keep me a secret? Why does he show no interest in getting to know my friends or family. He makes less of an effort now not like he used to. He stays at mine and doesn't contribute (as he is paying for his own place and his car). We rarely go out anywhere together, he doesn't treat me to anything and at work he rarely speaks to me any more and got mad that I told someone about us because I wanted advice on the matter. He is a also quite emotionally closed off at times, and I feel as though we just aren't progressing any further. He has made down payments for bedroom sets and things for himself which dont inlcude me. Not like a holiday or anything committed like that. Yet he tells me he wants children with me and wants to move away and settle down? How is he going to do that when he already has a six year old daughter he sees twice a week and goes to all parties, events, christmas, etc, etc where his ex is? And again, me not be invited. I have tried and tried to talk and I just feel I hit a stonewall everyime. I am not sure whether to leave this relationship, move jobs and start again in the hope I meet someone else.
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affair, at work, christmas, girl at work, his ex, my ex, want children Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2018): For him, you're a girl from work with a lot of past-issues. You're slightly damaged and your feelings may be on the rebound; following a bad-relationship. Your past is too shaky to be sure of what he's getting himself into. Besides flings with co-workers are more fodder for gossip than they are anything else.
He was someone on the side; while cheating on someone else. How trustworthy is that? How much credibility do you have if you didn't breakup with an ex; before you started seeing another guy? You're also still having problems with that ex!
Of course he isn't invested. There isn't much about how you two met and the conditions under-which you initiated your affair that makes it wholesome enough to see it as much more than a work-fling.
No, he doesn't want to introduce you to his family; because he'd have to explain how you met. Not to mention you have drama leftover from your ex; and a mean sister all up in your business.
No, my dear, I don't think this is going to progress much farther than it has come thus far!
No kids!!! Moving-in together isn't a good idea either! If there are rumors of him and another woman at work; how do you know for sure they're untrue? Because he denies it?
Those rumors at work had to come from somewhere; the source of that gossip must know something. You're probably that girl, but you just don't know it yet. They're just letting you know indirectly they all know what's up at the workplace! You two are the office-gossip, and the word on the grapevine!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2018): I feel as though this new guy seemed like the lesser of two evils for you. You were in an abusive relationship, a guy shows an interest in work, probably giving you what your ex wasn't. But this new guy probably never expected things to develop the way that they did. Otherwise you wouldn't be asking all these questions. I think deep down you know what you should do, you've said it yourself, it seems you've come here to get a second opinion. So I'll say this, yes you should kick him to the curb and move on, because you deserve someone who won't treat you like a secret and gives back to you because they want to, just like you give to them. Hope you find the strength to move on from him. Maybe stay single for a while to find yourself again before getting into another relationship
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2018): Don't listen to him, watch what he does. That's the best thing to do when you want to face reality. You're not a kid anymore and he could be spending your time, using you, not just as a place to stay, but emotionally and psychologically as well.He could stay in this limbo for quite some time, what about you?His behavior isn't strange if you look at it from HIS perspective. He wants exactly what he has now, for you to accept everything and not ask for anything.He's using you financially without even having to put an effort into making it reasonably enjoyable for you, as most hustlers would. He's treating you as if you owed him something. Honestly, it doesn't seem that he wanted to be in this position, it seems that he found himself here. My point being whatever he told you, this looks as if his wife kicked him out and that his keeping you a secret is creating space for him to patch things up with his wife.Think about it. Why not presenting you to his family and friends? Because you are not important and it could cause problems later on. He has no wish to meet any of yours because he doesn't give a damn, again you are not important. He doesn't want to make an effort and why would he doesn't need to, you're here, ready and helpful and you don't insist on anything.If you are happy with your job, think about taking his stuff out and changing the locks. If not, add changing a job to changing locks. And please, for heaven sakes, think about how you use the word "love". What you feel for him is some sort of attraction, infatuation and there's definitely a possibility of fear of abandonment and loneliness, but, my dear, you cannot, I repeat, you CANNOT love someone who treats you that way. The fact that you think that you can speaks tons on the work you need to do learn what self-love and self-respect are. I'd start there.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (14 March 2018):
 This is the danger with entering in to affairs with colleuges it gets messy.
You both want different things, he is using you as a place to live while he gets back on his feet.
Did he leave the ex for you or was it a case that she caught him having an affair and threw him out? Either way it doesn't sound like he wants to set a life up with you. He should be helping with bills and paying for food if he is staying with you. It sounds like he just wants you there to look after him.
He has no interest in you meeting his family or vice versa, that shows he is looking at this short term and not long term. My best advice would be to leave him. You are only going to keep getting hurt.
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