A
female
age
41-50,
*eliow
writes:im in a long term relationship, im sort of happy but my man keeps looking at porn and going on chat rooms and has put himselth on dateing sites.he will hide what he is doing on the laptop by clicking of iit when i stand up or go near it. I only found out what he was doing by jumping up before he could click off it and standing in the kitchen doorway i can see.i have confronted him about it he just lies about it sweaes on his daughter's life that he is not doin that,we have 2 boys toghter they are 8 and 1 i do love him i have not cheated i dont look at men even tho he accuses me of doing so when i no he will stare at other wommen...i dont no what to do 2 people have told me to leave him i do no deap down i could do better but as i love him i dont want to leave so i just want some advice about what i should do
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2012): Just because he looks at porn it don't meen he dosent care about u and as for the dateing sites tell him that u r here and u luv him and then explain that u don't like it when he looks at that and that I makes u feel unluved and that u luv him but u don't want to feel unluved
A
female
reader, meliow +, writes (28 August 2012):
meliow is verified as being by the original poster of the question thank you all to your reply, as one of you said porn is not real but it still hurts when he does it. when i do ask him what he is doing i just get a abswer "im flaffing around" once when i did confront him about it he said he was doing it for a mate the dating site is a freeone through our local wightbay. i dont no if he has ever met any of these wommen but something tells me that deep down he has . at the very start of our relationship we wernt seeing each other propperly then another man kissed me & did touch me i have told him about this. but he still says that i have had sex with other men & our son who is one he will say that he is not his my other son is from my previous marrage,
when we go out i have to keep my head down or look at him all the time just so he carnt say im eyeing up other men. that is hard to do when im pushing a buggy.
i will admit that i signed up for the same dating site once i new what name he was using & have all the messages that he sent me when i got replys from other men i told them the truth it realy hurt to have to do that... i have been on the chat rooms just to se if i can find out what ones he is using i do no his passwords for the lap top e-mail & facebook.. unless he has made a new one up witch i have not yet found i think the chat rooms are ones that require no e-mail
yet im 32 he is 52 so our sex life is not suffering we do have a active one
and to top it all he nos im going through hell cause 4 weeks ago i lost my mum to termional cancer so i realy dont need him doing this my aunt said uit his way of copeing but come on all what he is doing is not helping me i carnt even greeve propperly cause he dont like me doing it
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2012): I'm sorry you have ended up with a guy like this. I would first ask him to own it and be honest about it. The more he denies and lies, the worse it gets. Have a frank conversation with him and ask him why he feels the need to go on any of these sites when he has a loving women and two young children in his life. If he has to hide what he is doing, then, one he knows he is doing something wrong and two he shouldn't be doing it, but he is. And if you have been clear this is unacceptable behaviour in your relationship, then he needs to make a decision...either he stops and focuses more on his family (I am surprised he has so much time on his hands to be doing this anyway) as he should be doing, or he goes....deal breaker, strike three, your out. If he wants to destroy his relationship over this, he is not the right man for you. It's not important enough to him. For some reason he is not taking your feelings into consideration and does not respect you as he should. He is insecure about something and trying to boost his ego, not quite mature enough or responsible enough to get, it's time to let all that crap go and put your time and energy into the people/family who love you in real life. He's communicating with other women, he's sexually pleasing himself with another women... that's all fine and great if he was a single man and for whatever reason are too lazy to get excitement in the real world with real people, not hiding behind a computer screen.
I will tell you this...don't think for a second just words "okay I will stop, I love you, I won't go there anymore" or however he puts it, is sufficient and all will be better. If you choose to forgive and start again, clean slate, does NOT get him off the hook that easily. He has broken your trust and if he wants to repair what he's done, he will do it until, and he has to prove it, not find another way to hide it. Actions speak louder than words...
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A
male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (28 August 2012):
 I hate to break it to you, but most guys look at porn. With the ease that it can be found on the Internet and with our higher-than-you sex drives, many guys are drawn to it. Some of them develop problems to it and others can take it or leave it. If he is looking at it while you are present, my assumption is that he has a preoccupation with it or perhaps a mild "addiction".
As far as looking at dating sites, that to me, is a deal breaker. There's only a few reasons to be on a dating site and the biggest one is to look for girlfriends. Guys don't pay good money for dating sites unless they are looking to "upgrade" their current girlfriend, have cybersex, or enjoy the thrill of the hunt of seducing a new female.
At this point, my guess is that something is missing from your relationship. While it may be physical intimacy, it could be something else. He is looking elsewhere and if you are having trust issues at this stage of your relationship, imagine it some period down the road when the sexual newness has worn off...
I think you need to trust your intuition on this one and figure out whether 1) you can trust this man 2) whether his character is worthy of investing more of your time into. You've clearly stated what you've seen and no man should make you believe what you saw with your eyes isn't true.
Only you can make that determination and you know more about what this man is like than you've told us. Hopefully you'll take stock and make a decision that you can live with.
I think you know the answer here, though but just need the courage to act on it.
Best wishes
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (27 August 2012):
 Leave him. He does not respect you or your relationship, he's looking to either cheat on you or leave you for someone else. Get the jump on him and dump him first.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 August 2012):
 if you don't want to leave him then you have to not care.
he's a cheater
he's a liar
and he's doing it right in front of you knowing that he owns your ass darling.
I agree that porn is not the problem but the dating sites, chats and the lies are the problem.
if you won't leave him then you have no recourse but to accept the abuse you allow.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2012): Leave him! If he's advertising himself on dating sites and chatting in chat rooms, he's obviously not happy with you anymore and is only with you until he finds someone to run off with.
Trust me, he's looking for somebody else, and you are not doing yourself any favors staying with this man.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2012): Porn is one thing but dating sites is another. It means he is actively cheating or at the very least intends to cheat on you. To be honest the faster you get rid of that man the better your life will be.
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