A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This portion has already been posted, but I would like to add to it.....I am 24 years old and I am a virgin. I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years. I love him with all of my heart and want to marry him but I am so scared to have sex. I was raised in the church and to think that sex is bad. I am scared that I will have a hard time having sex even after I get married. I just have this idea in my head that its bad and that I am supposed to wait and that it will hurt so bad. But my boyfriend is now starting to feel unloved and blame himself. He says he doesn't know how much longer he can go without expressing our love in that way. I don't feel ready yet but I don't want to lose him. I don't want to do it for the wrong reasons and he cant understand why I feel this way. I don't know what to do.....Okay, so now we are "taking a break" and I haven't talked to him in a few days. I think he is about to break up with me. He does not understand and I am dying inside.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2008): I really wouldn't buy the "feeling unloved" line. He's just coming up with ways to express his sexual frustration. A man in his 20's has a tendency to place their physical needs ahead of emotional. Women will always say "if he loves you he will wait." Well I think that five years at that age is an amazing commitment on his part. I think a comparable issue is women who get frustrated that their man won't "pop the question." Many say "either propose to me or we're through." I think this may be a similar situation. Don't forget sex is an important part of a relationship. As long as you're a virgin you're gonna be scared of it. And it sounds as though you're gonna have to find a way to get over it soon (if its not already too late).
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2008): I think you should definitely wait until the day of the marriage.
If it were someone else I would probably say no big deal and it doesn't matter much. But I'm saying to wait because of your situation.
The main problem you're having is that you're trying to embrace your sexuality in a healthy way after distancing yourself from it for so long. And if you're worried that you won't be able to handle yourself as a sexual person even AFTER you're married, then I think it sure as hell isn't gonna help anything to start the sex before you're officially married. Not after you've gotten a lot of strong feelings wrapped up in the fact that you've waited so long. I think it would only exacerbate all the problems to jump the gun.
So I vote to wait until the official marriage day, and at least start out having sex in the closest sitation to "acceptable" that you can currently get your mind around.
The bigger problem is that you've gotta start reconciling sex and you. If religion & upbringing is the big problem then maybe you should try to focus on all the "good" and healthy instances of sex in those people that you think highly of.
(The idea that sex is so evil is not so primarily rooted in the Bible itself, it's rooted in the preachings of people in the last 1500-2000 years trying to interpret it. But there's a whole lotta sex going on all over the Bible itself, and it's not always being condemned at all.)
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (29 April 2008):
 Ever since time began, men have been using lines to convince women to sleep with them. You can add his "I feel unloved" guilt trip to that list. I am quite sure that your boyfriend will actually survive without sex if you want to wait longer. If he loves you, he should be willing to wait until you are ready. Your body, your rules. It's not going to be a great first experience for you if you are frightened to have sex, anxious and going against your upbringing. When the time is right, you will know it and whether or not you decide to have it before you are married or not is your decision to make. Eventually, your desire and curiosity will get the better of you and you will want to experience sex for yourself - right now he is a couple of steps ahead of you - that's probably normal too. You are the one who sets the pace of your relationship because you would be the one carrying a baby for nine months if nature gets it way. I don't think that you should feel guilty or apologize for sticking to your principles.
As far as your anxiety goes, it's quite normal to be a bit anxious about the whole thing if you are a virgin, but don't let your worry get the better of you. Sex is pleasurable and the teachings of your church are there to guide you into having sex within the confines of matrimony, not to scare you out of having sex all together - otherwise - where would all of the next generations of little church-goers come from? Some women have a little pain and bleeding when losing their virginity, others very little or none. The thickness of the hymen varies and is often lost through different activities long before the beginning of their sex life.
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH  +, writes (29 April 2008):
 I really feel sorry for your predicament, but you should not have to have sex just to make your boyfriend feel loved. You have chosen to stay a virgin until you get married, there is nothing wrong with that. But also there is nothing wrong with wanting and having sex as well. Its your own personal choice.
If your boyfriend cannot wait until you get married, then he is not the one for you, that works visa-versa.
I really dont know why the church, classes sex as such a sin. If none of us did it! we wouldnt be here would we?. Its the most natural thing in the world to make love to your partner, so how can that be a sin?
Thats just my veiw.
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