A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:We are in a commited relationship, we only see each other except we do go out with our friends men and women. However, if the topic comes up my bf says he does not want a commitment. What does this mean?I did have the key to his house for 9 months, but then we had a fight and he took it back. Is he just acting like a baby because his feelings got hurt? Should I just see how it goes for the next month or so ir dump him. I know he loves me but when he gets mad or hurt he does retreat. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2009): I think you might want to talk to your boyfriend about what he means. I don't know how long you two have been dating, but a man will see things differently than we do in a relationship, and I have to say at your age exclusivity and being a girlfriend is a trap for you.
Here is why. You make the common mistake of paying attention to events rather than feelings in your relationship. Events are just the things that we hang moments on, they don't mean anything to men when it comes to commitment. They don't see the events of introducing you to his friends, trips taken, months dated, first time you have sex as meaning that they are moving towards commitment. Commitment is when marriage is on the table, and actually not really until he steps and claims you as the ONE he wants to be with for the rest of his life, a ring and a date signify commitment to a man. Everything else means to him that he is simply dating you.
And if he is only dating you he can stop that at anytime and get off that path to commitment.
What we do as women is settle for exclusivity and we take away our options for a man who hasn't actually claimed us. This is stupid! What do you do about it? Well, you don't get angry at your man, you start telling him how you feel and you start understanding him. When he approaches you lean back and don't try to hard at the relationship. Working at it harder does not make him want to commit more, but connecting to him emotionally and making him feel safe enough to give up his immaturity for a commitment does....you have to let him know you accept him just as he is.....don't make him wrong, make him understand how you feel instead about things he does that may upset you....use I statements and be descriptive about your feelings, not thinking, but feeling words.....and see if he doesn't start to feel more bonded to you.
The other thing you do is you stop being exclusive. He needs to know that you are attached and talking to other men, he needs to know that he could lose you at any time if he doesn't pay attention and step up to claim you. And he doesn't have to like it. What you can say to him is that of course he has a right to take as long as he wants to make a decision to commit to you, but he can't have you all to yourself while he is making up his mind.
Then you start taking your focus off of him, don't wander off and follow him off the path when he moves away from commitment, don't care about what he is doing, that gives you power and walking power is what you need to keep....I am not saying you get combative and rub stuff in his face...you just truly get on with it. Get on with your life and do the things that make YOU happy...date yourself, be busy. Stay in contact with other men, have coffee dates, go out on real dates and let as many men as you want take care of you emotionally. That way you leave yourself opportunities to have a man fall in love with you and step up to claim you as his own.....You cannot give him an ultimatum and expect it to work, and you can't break up with him and expect it to work, you have to be ready to leave if you do that.
Hope this helped you.
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