A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear agony aunts and uncles I need some opinions please. My bf got upset that I’m saving my old wedding dress but he has tons of posts and lovey dovey comments on his Instagram from 3 ex gfs. Im keeping my dress because it was expensive and perhaps my nieces or sisters may want it to wear or make it into a whole new dress. I don’t even keep it in our home but he still got mad at me. I feel it’s unfair and confusing he got so mad at me but there’s posts online for all to see. My mom even asked me why the posts are there after they became friends on the site. He says it’s not the same and I agree but for very different reasons. Its also awkward for me to know who he’s dated and that he uses the same pet names, something I wish I hadn’t seen but there’s only so many pet names we can think of especially dating in our 30s. . He does have a jealous streak and I’m not sure if I should be more cautious. Thanks for reading.
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ex girlfriend, his ex, jealous, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2018): Agree with the others
Dont keep the guy, keep the dress.
Photos and contact from exes is way worse than a dress that you wore. Not like you are keeping a dress that belonged to your husband.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2018): Keep the dress...dump the abusive man.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2018): I'm going to play devil's advocate here.
Now I'm not saying you should necessarily give away your dress, but I am saying you can at least try to understand where he is coming from.
He doesn't understand that for you (and for many women who love gowns) the dress might be significant in its own right, somewhat apart from the wedding itself. In his mind, the WEDDING dress is a symbol of the WEDDING, and you KEEPING it is a symbol of you holding on to the memory of your marriage instead of moving on. For him, keeping the wedding dress would be like keeping your engagement or wedding ring on your nightstand- and artifact to something you should be able to move past.
As a female who has dated a divorced man, let me tell you that yes, when your significant other holds on to photo albums, nick-knacks, keepsakes etc. from the wedding wow does that hurt. It is like a slap in the face that you are holding on to something tangible instead of moving on with your life. Even though he can't see your dress, he knows that you won't let go of it. He knows that a niece might wear it someday and remind you of "the happiest day of your life" at the time, and of your marriage which IS a huge deal and always will be. This is why many people who have never been married don't like dating divorced people- because it is an emotional minefield as the ones who have never been married are constantly reminded of the baggage, intimacy and yes major, life-changing love that their partner once shared with someone else. You have to understand that that is not an easy thing for him. It is not an easy thing for anyone (unless they are ALSO a divorcee so can rely on their own memories and life-changing moments).
What do I think you should do? Consider donating the dress to a charity organization where someone outside the family can enjoy it. If you can't bear to part with it, then keep it but you have to understand that this WILL be a sore spot with him, and for good reason. He wants to imagine you as HIS possible future bride, not imagine you as married to your past. You could try explaining that your niece really wants to wear it, and it is about the DRESS, not the day or who you were married to. But it will be hard for a man to understand that the dress can be enjoyed separately.
Oh-- and I think you should agree to donate it to charity ONLY if he agrees to take his posts down with ex girlfriends. What's fair for the goose is fair for the gander.
I don't think he's selfish and unreasonable for wanting you to move on from the physical. My boyfriend eventually parted with his photo albums. I didn't make him do it, but he knew it made me uncomfortable to know they were there and it also came to a point where HE wanted them cleared out to move on with his life. Sometimes we have to let go to move forward.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (31 January 2018):
 Edit:
*He wants you to remove something that bothers him*
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (31 January 2018):
Big double standard here.
I really don't think not wanting to throw out an old, unused wedding dress is on par with romantic comments from ex partners. He wants you to remove something that bothers you but won't remove something that bothers you. IMO that's controlling behaviour, pushing the boundaries to see what he can get away with.
I think this is the beginning of the end, I'd advise anyone to get out of a relationship asap where the signs of controlling behaviours begin.
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it  +, writes (31 January 2018):
I don't see a jealous streak...I see a controlling streak.
Even without him having his ex's posts and comments out for public consumption, red flags are flying over you keeping your wedding dress. The fact that he does keep his posts and comments on Instagram makes it all the worse...the whole place looks red.
I don't even have to go as far as the pet names situation to tell you to get rid of this guy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2018): Well, he's chiseling himself out of a good woman! You're starting to see the side of him that usually indicates he's the wrong guy for you.
He's jealous, controlling, sets a double-standard, immature, and he's unreasonable. He uses pet-names for his exes.
Now that there is one of my biggest pet peeves. Chummy or helicopter-exes! Either the exes go, or I go. I don't date people who have exes as best-friends; nor do I keep memorabilia of my exes. Which I don't have but one. My one ex is forgiven and forgotten.
Keep the dress. The clocks ticking on the man.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 January 2018):
 That's ridiculous.
Your BF is right that it's "not the same" but it makes TOTAL sense to keep a wedding dress and wanting to pass it on, then keep old "ego rub posts" from exes.
It's not like you have it prominently displayed or post pictures of it constantly on social media. It was a costly dress that you wish to perhaps SHARE with family in the future. How is that offensive to him?
I fully agree with Ciar, there is no future here. His sense of double standard is beyond jealousy it borders controlling. HE can do whatever he wants, YOU can't.
He sounds like an ass.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (30 January 2018):
 I don't see a future here, I'm afraid.
Keeping an old wedding dress, especially for the reasons you gave, is totally different from keeping romantic, public posts from exes on his social media account.
A reasonable and mature person would understand you keeping the wedding dress and would have deleted the old posts whether he was in a new relationship or not. He could take a screen shot and save them as keepsakes somewhere private, assuming they're not sexual.
The jealous streak is a biggie and he's already using it to give himself greater latitude in this relationship than he wants you to have.
He's not a keeper.
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