A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I love my girlfriend but not sure I love our relationship. I think shes an amazing gal, and really enjoy the time we spend together. We've been together nearly 3 years, but live in different cities - enough to see for a quick evening or long weekend, but not spontaneously catchup. For example, its not that she lies, but she just doesn't tell me everything - let me in as such. For example this she is job hunting and isn't very revealing about her search - saying we can't meet at times because she is tired, yet actually it was because she was busy job hunting - so just not saying the real reason even if not lying.And sometimes when I try to suggest meeting she'll cancel on me, but when I suggest I might not want to meet she get all worried and upset. I try to be accomodating, eg because of her job hunting, but when I ask her to be accomodating of me (I've also had a big life thing on aswell), she just mentions she can't make it or do as I ask - only to visit me instead of me heading to her.Despite all this she is a lovely person, great company etc and could spend a very long time with her company, but at what point do you say its not worth the hassle?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (1 February 2018):
 Has the relationship advanced much in those three years? I mean personally at this stage I would expect to be living together in the same city unless it was impossible. If she is not working can she not come and live with you and find work where you live?
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 February 2018):
 Why are you two still in different places? After 3 years?
Have there been no talk about living closer or together?
I find it a little odd if you two haven't talked or made plans to BE together in the same location after 3 years together.
But besides that, if you don't feel she is really including you in her life, maybe this is not the one for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2018): [EDIT]:
"You seem to have a healthy and loving perception of her as a person."
"What is the first thing you want to know when you see her?"
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2018): If you've ever been between jobs; you must know the psychological-effects it has on your self-esteem/self-confidence; not to mention your finances. She may not feel forthcoming because of pride.
You seen to have a healthy and loving perception of her as a person. You speak highly of her, and your post is very positive.
Take a few things into account. If she is out of work, your generosity goes from acts of kindness to charity. Her self-confidence is in flux, and her energy-levels run from high to low. It's disheartening to see people look at you with empathy when you're unemployed; because it looks more like pity. Not knowing the full circumstances of how her unemployment came about, you don't know if she's also hiding some shame. People tend to abandon you when you're in a crisis. Less said about your troubles the better!
I note a trust-deficiency coming from both sides. Once that runs out, there's nothing left to hold it together.
As finding employment becomes more elusive for her; she fears your losing respect, and having a lower opinion of her.
Perhaps that's all in her head; but unemployment works on us like that. Frustration sets-in, you feel defeated, anger erupts, and you become less motivated. Thus she feels "too tired." The long-distance relationship becomes more burdensome. She hates to face you without having good news. Put yourself in her shoes. What the first thing you want to know when you see her? Hows the job search? When you're unemployed, how many times can you stand to hear that? Then the judgmental looks that follow?
Long-distance relationships take a toll. I think you're feeling its adverse-effects. You seem like such a nice guy and you're fully-committed; but she's in a rut right now.
All her energy is going into her job-search. That has to be her priority for now. You feel neglected. I understand.
Here's your dilemma. Would you be bailing-out on her at the most critical time in her life? Then again, is she really as committed in this relationship as you are? You're giving it all you can, and she's holding back. How can you sustain your feelings with someone closed-off to you? Maybe she's just tired of everything; but scared to lose a good thing? It's rare to find a guy who literally "goes the distance!"
When you come to the conclusion things are a "hassle;" you've gone beyond the call. It's uneven, and you've given more than she has.
Base your decision to leave or stay on reciprocity. Do you feel she is giving as much as she's taking? Are you just fed-up and feel like it's all one-sided?
Has this unemployment-thing only made pre-existing matters all the worse?
Once you've checked all the boxes; you can make a reasonable decision. In the end, you've got to do what's best for you. You deserve to get back no less than what you willingly and lovingly give. Keeping good company just isn't enough. She has to make it all worth the effort.
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (31 January 2018):
 You decide at what point it isn't worth the hassle. If there is no plan to be together - I mean properly together - then nothing is going to get any better.
My advice is to form a plan or call it a day and part friends.
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A
male
reader, Allumeuse +, writes (31 January 2018):
If you feel like you aren't getting the whole story then you probably aren't. You can't be sure about why you aren't, but the fact remains that she's keeping part of herself separate. Why after three years do you think she's doing that?
Does she like her life compartmentalized? Is there someone else? Is she just very private? Honestly I really don't think it matters what the reason is. If she hasn't got closer to you in three years then it isn't going to get any better. You are in your thirties now. How much longer will you need to move to the same city, move in together and plan a future together?
If you guys were meant to be together, you would be by now surely?
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