A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my partner for almost two years and we have a fantastic relationship together apart from one issue that is causing some tension between us. We don't live together, but he lives with a female "housemate" and her son. He financially supports her and has done for almost ten years because she is unemployed. I have also found out that they once had a relationship in the past, but they are now just friends. The situation makes me feel uncomfortable and I can't help but think that she is taking advantage of him as he pays for the house, car and even food.I love him so much, but I can't see our relationship moving forward because of this situation.Any advice? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (15 November 2015):
 I meant to add this sooner, assuming you'll even check for updates.
For him, it's not simply a matter of guilt or feeling sorry for her. There are very real legal considerations here as well.
He may not be the biological father but he has, for nearly a decade, voluntarily assumed the role of father and he can now, in many jurisdictions, be legally compelled to continue doing so. Courts must consider the best interest of the child and they would not allow a child to be without food and shelter because his provider suddenly has a new love interest. There is already a precedent for this.
Second, the woman is at the very least, a tenant, whether she pays rent or not, and legally he cannot just turf her out. Even if he decided to take her to small claims court for back rent, he is unlikely to win because it's a case he should have brought forward years ago. If you'd been loaning someone money for the past 10 years then suddenly decided to sue them the courts would probably dismiss your case on the basis of 'stupid is as stupid does'. This is not a legal term obviously but the point is common sense would prevail.
If he wants to extricate himself from her he'll have to speak to an attorney, and he should be prepared to continue providing some kind of support until this child is 18, the biological father decides to man up or another man adopts him.
I'm not a legal expert, so he should confirm this, but I'm pretty certain this is the case.
And you should start extricating yourself from this situation unless you don't mind helping support someone else's child.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2015): I read something this morning. It may help. Sometimes the easiest way to solve a problem is to stop participating in the problem.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2015): Sometimes you have to step away from all the wondering why and trying to fathom this out. Simply it isn't making you happy. You have voiced this. Nothing has changed. I mean this nicely but 'get a life'. By this you need to start not focusing on him and hanging on to it but creating fun for you outside the relationship. Hobbies interests and a social life. Stop being so available. You're waiting. Stop waiting and start living. At the moment he (and she) are controlling the quality of your life. So be proactive. As you shift your power away from giving this issue your time your boyfriend will notice. He may realise more clearly that not only are you tired and bored of this unacceptable arrangement but that you're actually focusing your attention on your own happiness. Stop telling him and start getting a life. He will either want a life too and see what a fool he is or he will dig in and carry on supporting his lodger and her child. By that stage you will have your answer.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (16 October 2015):
 There are 4 people in your relationship. Him, her, her son and you... the 4th wheel. You are the STRANGER at his house.
And if the child IS his, nothing will change anytime soon - and if the child is not his, but he feel THIS strongly about taking care of her and the kid, nothing is going to change either.
You are dating a man who really isn't available to "give" himself fully to you.
I'm sorry, I think you are saddling yourself with a guy who for all intent and purpose might as well be married.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (16 October 2015):
The woman is, for all intents and purposes, his common law wife and anyone would be hard pressed to prove otherwise.
There is no future for you, except as a hanger on, I'm afraid. My advice is to cut your losses and move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2015): The boy is 10. He will need help for the next 18 years, probably more. Do you see yourself living with him, his mother and accomodating her boyfriends for the next 8 years? Sharing Christmas and New Year with them? When / If you have kids do you see yourself diverting money for your children's college fund towards a grown up woman who cannot be arsed to make a living?When the boy finally flees the nest, do you think he will kick her out onto the street when she has a 20year gap in her CV? Unlikely. He is enabling her to sit on her backside.If he truly wanted the best for the boy, he would empower her mother. Education or a business or manual labour or flipping burgers. She has had 10 years to work out how to manage on her own. But they've both decided to stay together for life. If you decide to take it further with this man, you will be adopting / marrying her too. You'll never come home to 'unwind' after work without her being in your space. You can't have dinner parties at your home with your close friends and family without a random woman joining you. Why would you want this?Why?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2015): In response to the last post,
I have stayed there in the past, but I felt uneasy when I should have felt relaxed. His housemate is very capable of working, but she is so used to being looked after and not helping herself. I believe that she would quite happily stay like this for the rest of her life and have everything handed to her on a plate.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 October 2015):
 Do you go to their home?
do you spend the night?
have you met her?
something is wrong somewhere.... and i fear that your age is an indicator that this man is taking advantage of your feelings and your youth and inexperience.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 October 2015):
OP - is the child his?
That is the ONLY reason I can see him REALLY wanting to make sure the kid is taken care off.
I think he is gas-lighting you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2015): You're not quite 21. You have your whole life ahead of you.
This is that turn in the the road. Drop this mess and get as far away from it as you can. You see the potential drama. Use your brain and take another route, sweetie!
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (15 October 2015):
 I am going to accept the situation as you have presented it, ie, he has shared a house with a woman who is a mother to a child of at least 10 years of age, she is unemployed and your boyfriend, through the goodness of his heart, recognises children need shelter and food, and because the mother does not provide these things, he does by paying the household expenses and food for all three of them. He also pays for a car which is used by the mother.
The mother has a partner who also feels very at home in your boyfriends house, and treats it like a hotel.
I am going to assume your boyfriend is a lot older than your age, which you state is between 18 and 21 ..... if he has been supporting this woman and her child for nearly 10 years he has to be late 20s, early 30s, and my personal experience is that this is the age many young men start to think about settling down and starting a family for themselves.
Maybe your boyfriend wont reach this point in his life, because he already feels responsible for the support of a child, and its mother.
There are lots of possible scenarios, maybe she is very clever and has manipulated him into believing she and her child are his responsibility ..... is she mentally or physically incapable of getting employment to support them herself? Is she some sort of super sponge or are there underlying reasons for this rather odd living arrangement?
If you are envisaging a future with this man you need to start asking questions.
The best place to start would be to ask where he sees you and him in five years time. If he doesn't see any changes, but you are looking for something long term, then him seeing no changes will let you know that he is prepared to just let life happen and that any girl will probably fill whatever needs you are filling.
If, on the other hand, he starts talking settling down and families, you can then ask him about the logistics, will he be able to support two families, let him know you would not be comfortable without your own place, don't overload him, but just say enough to get his thinking processes started.
Its possible of course that he may just mouth the words he thinks you want to hear, so if you don't get any decent answers, or don't see any changes being made in his living arrangements I would rethink the whole relationship, and consider finding somebody without such self imposed encumbrances.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2015): It sounds like you're not his main focus...why put up with this. He's acting Dad to this woman's child and goes home to her, not you.
This isn't a normal set up and I wouldn't be part of it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2015): Have you met her? It seems to me that that is his son and she is his wife or true partner, sometimes it is difficult to see even if the reality is right innfront of you.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (14 October 2015):
 WHY.... stress yourself like this? Part ways with this creature, and don't look back. HE doesn't much care about YOU.... so you should reciprocate....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2015): Sorry to say you are being taken for a fool. Call his bluff and say you've been seeing each other for TWO years and think you'd like to plan to live together. His response will tell you everything you need to know.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2015): Thanks for responding.
I have spoken to my boyfriend countless times about the situation and how frustrated I feel, but he says he wouldn't ask them to leave for the sake of the young boy. He wants the best for him and as his mother isn't working, needs to help provide a stable home and financial support.
It doesn't look like there'll be any change in the near future and she seems satisfied staying at home and not providing anything.
I'm quite sure they aren't having a relationship as she has been seeing her partner for a year or so. He also uses my boyfriend's house like a hotel on occasion.
I've told him that I understand they're friends, but that shouldn't mean he has to pay for her to live her life.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (14 October 2015):
WOW...So what happens if you get pregnant? Where are you going to live? Who will support you and your child?
I think you have to question your love for him. Do you love him because he is all you need in a man? Or do you love because you are trying so hard to keep his attention on you and not her?? If you find yourself fighting for his attention because of her...is it really love??
Every relationship has it's own problems...but having a partner that is dedicated to two people at once, not going to happen. You have your own life to live, and it seems like he is living his and his house mate life already...for 10 years.
Time for you to decide what is more important. A man for you, or a shared man.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2015): Is he a millionaire? As in does this woman have her own wing with her son in his house and they only see each other occasionally? Or is he an average Joe with a normal house where they share bathrooms and kitchens and living rooms? If they share everything then they are in an open relationship. He doesn't see her as wife material / he doesn't want a monogamous commitment but he gets sex on demand from her. In return, she lives off him. But he gets to date other people since he has the (financial ) upper hand. She on the other hand doesn't get to have 2 year relationships with other guys because then he'll kick her out for not providing sex on tap during his dry spells.I could be completely wrong. But to answer your question, why don't you say you'd like to move in with him, that your relationship feels solid enough to do so. Tell him you'd like her to move out in order for you to truly live like a couple not a house share.I bet he' ll come up with a million reasons why she has to stay and why you can't move in. Best case scenario you can move in but she gets to stay. Yay! Except... This isn't how you see your future panning out is it? She's probably got her own way of doing stuff and has settled in so well that YOU will have to adjust to HER preferences in YOUR and your boyfriends home that you CONTRIBUTE towards. That's not sensible at all. He has had 10 years to help her get on her feet if that's what he wanted. But he wants her there. She looks like part of the package if you decide to stay with him.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (14 October 2015):
 Run for the hills. This guy is no good for you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 October 2015):
Why is HE supporting her? Is the kid his? Because she is a friend? I mean I get that you can "take in" a friend till they get back on their feet, but no matte how saintly or good friend you are... 10 years is WAY to long to "help out" a friend.
And you are right, your relationship can't progress. SHE is living with him, not you. And it's not likely that he would ask her to leave or he would stop "helping" her out.
Is she taking advantage? Unless your BF has minimal intelligence capacity, I don't see it. This friendship of theirs benefits both in some way or another - HE gets something out of this too. NO ONE let's a friend stay and mooch of them for 10 years out of sheer goodness, I seriously doubt that.
You say the two of you have a fantastic relationship except for this. THIS is not some minor issue. Have you two NEVER talked about it? Does he not comprehend that most women would NOT date a guy who is financially supporting another female? I mean how could you two ever start a family? He surely can't afford it as he is ALREADY paying for a "family".
And since in the two years he have been with you have made NO effort to get her out, maybe help her get on her feet, I don't see it happen in the foreseeable future. Why would SHE move out? She got it like a yolk in an egg!
I find this situation really weird and not acceptable in a BF. But you have to decide if this is a deal breaker or not. I don't think an ultimatum would help either, as he is NOT going to kick her out for you. She and her child is "like family" now I bet. After 10 years that wouldn't be strange.
How very very strange. And you are SURE, you are not the woman on the side here? Because It sure looks like you are.
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