A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This one is a bit complicated, so I would call my recent ex Number 1 and the ex whom I am with now (my present bf) to be Number 2.Number 1 and me dated for a month and then were together in a relationship (quite intense, definitely non-Platonic) for another month as well. He broke up with me 2 weeks back (over a text) because of the "heart-wrenching reason" that he couldn't forget his ex. So I too backfired saying that I also have feelings for Number2. Then me and Number 2 patched up soon and we were all set in the lovey-dovey PDA mode. Things have been better! :) (Number 2 and me had been together for 6 long years followed by a break up 4 months back)Out of the blue, two days back, Number 1 called me up! He talked for about 40 mins! He said that how can I not ask how my "friend" was doing! (Now Number 1 and me agreed to stay friends, but I stuck to the NC rule). Meanwhile he was "liking" my pictures on social media and I showed no positive response.While I said that he did hurt me by breaking up over a text and how hung up he was with his ex, he apologized for hurting me (so after a week he decided to talk things out) and said that he wanted me to he happy. He also confessed about his present confused state of mind that he can't move on so easily from a relationship of a mature age (which lasted for a year!) and how he doesn't want me to ever fall for him again! My concern is what is this guy Number 1 upto? He's at times talking like a friend and at times mistakenly talking like when we used to be together (last night only he sent me a song he likes and pushed me to give it a listen and the day before he used a sort of a gesture that couples normally do!). Is he just being friends or does he have an ulterior motive? (He knows that I am back with Number 2). The fact is, I indeed love, Number 2 and we're planning to get married in the next year. So don't want further drama in our lives. No clue why and how I fell for Number 1! But he did actually hurt me a lot...rather my self-respect. How should I deal with this man? Should I just be neutral?Apologies for a long post and a big THANK YOU in advance.
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male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (14 October 2015):
I don't think this is a complicated matter. While Number 1 did apologize, he is still your ex and he is confused. He is clinging to you too much and even though you do want to be friends, this is more than what you should be doing. He should be trying to move on by talking to others and finding himself. He is currently re-living the past which is comfortable but it is right for himself nor is it fair for you.
Even if your boyfriend is ok with it, it is still disrespectful. And you can not control how someone will feel or do. It does not matter what his motives are or what your motives are, the two of you talking is simply not right. You both can not be good friends to each other.
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