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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I'm so sad...My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. He's so jealous of my "ex"... this guy we both know, who used to be my friend with benefits years before I met my boyfriend. He's been jealous of him since he found out about my past, and I even cut contact with the "ex". With the things he tells me, it makes me feel that he thinks my "ex" was more important to me... far from truth! But I can't convince him... I used to have a crush on my ex fwb, back then I didn't even know my bf, and because I liked him so much (even though it was unrequited) I did most of the things he asked me to (kissing him, giving him a BJ, etc.). I was friends with this guy until my BF found out, and that made things worse, as I still lent stuff to my "ex" and my BF sees that as a sign that the other guy was still important in my life.Last night we had fought awfully about other things. So today I waited for him to get off from work and talked. I told him how I feel I can't trust him (that's what we fought about last night), because I think he wants revenge over the other things I did (not telling him about my "ex" until a long time into the relationship). He reassured me that I can trust him (he has told me he'd like to cheat to get even, I HAVEN'T CHEATED, but he has said he'd like to so I feel hurt because I hurt him first by breaking his trust with my lies about the past). He said he'd never cheat, and that he'd like to spend the rest of his life with me, that he loves me so I shouldn't worry, that he's just angry and hurt but that he'll get over it.However, we were fine, and he walked me home. However, we were kissing when I got home, and he got serious and left. I figured it was late and he had to go. We spoke in the afternoon and he said that while we were kissing, I kinda like "cut the kiss", that I moved my faced, that I kinda "rejected him". I don't remember "cutting" or rejecting any kiss, he must've misinterpreted one of my moves. Now he's mad and says he doesn't know if he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, because I did that and that proved him a lot of stuff. That I DIDN'T do any of that with my ex (how does he know if he wasn't even present? I can't convince him otherwise though) and that I did everything my ex asked me to. He said that me "cutting" that kiss changed everything between us, and that he deosn't know if things will be what they used to be. Now he doesn't wanna talk to me.I feel he's making a big deal over nothing, and I apologized, I told him how sorrt I was like a thousand times and explained he must've misinterpreted my move. I can't convince him and he says it's already done and it won't be changed and he won't forget.Please, help me what can I do to "mend" this? it was never my intention for this to happen! I TRULY LOVE HIM! I don't wanna leave him over this... Is this temporary? Do you think this will pass in a few days? Do you think it's just the anger talking?What can I do? :((Sorry for the lenght... but thanks for reading if you reached this point)
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crush, friend with benefits, jealous, kissing, my ex, revenge Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, lilmisse2424  +, writes (20 February 2008):
 I definitely would like to know what exactly did your boyfriend ask about this guy that made him flip because that may be the reason he is acting like that. I also agree with someone here that there is something not right about this picture, the guy that your boyfriend is jealous of, the guy with benefits, why is he your ex?
With that on the side, your current boyfriend seems controling, and that may be a problem. He is someone that is very sensitive and may tick off very easily. So, though that is bad, the reason he may be like that may have something to do with what he asked you about your former boyfriend
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2008): Hi
Im new to answering on here and i have a similar situation with my ex husband who came back into my life and asked for a reconciliation. Part of that was to have complete honesty about our time apart. I, kidding myself it could work, decided our 20 yr marriage was worth a try and after a few days i told him about a guy i had seen for several months, my husband also had a girlfriend over last year.
I misjudged him with seeing if our marriage could work again, against everyone's advice to me. His jealousy has caused me such illness at times over the past couple of months because of his outbursts which border on mental illness. I'd like to help him and so accept his apologies, but then i seem to set myself up for more the next day.
His personality and behaviours are what ultimately ended our marriage, our children dislike their father for the way he treats us all and they are teenage or early 20's now. I put up with his controlling ways for many many years and now i'm 40 and feel i could have had a better life for myself and my children but i made the mistake of kidding myself for 20 years, telling myself that he would change and see the error of his ways.
What i am trying to say is that you must consider whether this man is worthy of your love, you have a long life in front of you and you are worth more than to be made miserable by someone who cannot accept your past.
Look into the future when you may have children and perhaps money is tight and you have real true problems from day to day family life, can you see him supporting you emotionally? The 'rejected kiss'!!! is an excuse to make you feel bad gain, what will his excuse be if you are married and with a family. From my experience, i am sorry to say that he won't change and the excuse to make you feel bad with be with something else.
I married for 'love' but what sort of love makes you unhappy? if you can't be honest with him without any repercussions then you may start lying to him about little things simply because you can't trust his reactions and you want a quiet life. It can all become a vicious circle and you wonder where it all went wrong.
I found last year that there are men out there who will treat you properly, don't look back, leave him for someone worthy of you before its too late.
take care and think carefully about your future with this man!
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (19 February 2008):
 There is one thing you have left out of your post that may or may not be the reason he is acting the way he is. You said he "Found out" about you and your "ex". How did he "find out"? Did he ask you a specific question about this guy,did you offer some information out of the blue, or did someone tell him something that you had to confirm? By the way, if he was just a freind with benefits, why do you call him your ex? Something is not right about this.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (19 February 2008):
 Hi,
what can you suggest for behaviour like this? It sounds controlling, he is emotionally blackmailing you to conform to his moods.
He sounds pretty screwed up, the last thing I would do is go crawling back to him begging forgiveness, what have you done wrong? He may start imposing some "conditions" on what you have to do to win him back.
Just be very careful, he sounds as if he wants to control who you spend your time with - this can be very dangerous.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (19 February 2008):
 Just leave him alone and he will come back to you . He is like a child throwing tantrums and have his way.Save your breath. Just explained once to him is enough. If he cannot get into his head , he never will even if you tell him 1000x
It is difficult to live with a person who behaves that way. You should thank God that you now see what he is before you commit to him..
That is your decision...
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