A
female
age
36-40,
*inalae
writes:My older bf (46), told me(29) that this upcoming weekend we were not going to see each other because he was going to go back to the city where he lived before with his ex wife, and that he was going to do some things, like look for a ground(property) to build a house that his mom/him was interested in,, he is going to visit 2 friends, and was also going to go back to his Ex Wife home to look for some stuff that he still had there, (even though he has his storage over there) so I don’t even know why he still has some of his belongings wondering around in her house. And on top of that he will stay to sleep there.Am I overreacting here or is this too much??. He asked me if i was alright with him sleeping in her house or not!, I answered that i trusted him(stupid me,now I feel like a fool, cause this is wrong!! I did not want drama so I decided to not say how I felt), but now i feel angry and impotent. We have 2 months together they got divorce 5 years ago. What should i do? He is in his mid 40s and she is 58.I Really don't want an older man to make me look like a fool, what is your advice? break up or talk straight forward to him. He has been really nice,kind and generous with me I don't want to screw it up, but I also dont want to be taken as an idiot/fool.
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female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (15 April 2018):
 To everyone saying that it isn't weird, look at it this way: if you're going to an exes home to pick up some stuff, is it necessary for you to sleep there? That's my issue here. If this guy is financially stable enough to build a home, he is financially stable enough to pay for a room.
Look, OP, I really hope that nothing happened this weekend and that isn't even the point. Please DO, in future, SPEAK UP when something bothers you. My point wasn't to say that this guy doesn't have his own initiative, my issue was that OP needed to vent her feelings and from OP's last post, I understand that it is something that she will never be okay with, regardless of the outcome. Telling someone to put their feelings aside is so wrong man, on so many levels. Some people are intuitive and overthink. I notice that OP may be such a person so, to put her mind at ease, in future, conversations need to be had. Regardless of his age and how mature he should be, the thing isn't maturity for me, and some people seem to have missed that. The thing for me is more so being able to be honest about what is and isn't acceptable for you as an individual. Many people may be okay with such a thing and that's fine but slumber parties with your ex just are not on. Whether the two of you have kids together, whether you're cordial or whether you hate each other and nothing will happen, isn't the point guys. The fact of the matter is that whenever something makes you uncomfortable, you should be able to let someone know that it does. That 'walking on eggshells hoping that the other person makes the right decision' type of thing is soul crushing because the wait can feel like a lifetime while you allow the grown ass man to make his grown ass decision lol be honest in future OP because if you can't share your concerns with your guy, what is there?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2018): I think your instinctive response was fine, but it's okay to tell him the truth now. "Hey, the more I've thought about things, I need to tell you I'm uncomfortable with you sleeping over at your ex-wife's home. I trust you, but I just don't feel comfortable with that."
He'll either be responsive and understanding, or...not. If he isn't, and gives you any grief or argument about that, you might just ask him: "Would you honestly not be uncomfortable if I said I was going to spend the night at my ex-boyfriend's house?"
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 April 2018):
 OP, I think you actually did the right thing in saying:" I trust you" instead of: " NO! you can't stay at her house!"
And here is why.
IF you do trust him you have now LEFT it up to him to PRESERVE that trust you have shown.
IF he does end up BREAKING that trust, it isn't by your doing but a choice HE made.
You two have been together for 2 months, so really... He didn't NEED your permission. He could have omitted WHERE he was staying but he didn't. Now WHY he would go into details here can both be good (he wants to be transparent) or bad (he wants you to feel INSECURE while he is gone).
And I'm sorry to say, I think the latter is more possible than the first. By having you "worried" while he is gone gives him some control. It gives him the upper hand. He is OLDER than you and is using that "age" to gain leverage. Another guess is that he feels you are actually a little out of his league. That might also be why he is making sure you feel uneasy about this by making it sound like this is NORMAL for divorced people to do.
His age, her age is irrelevant in this. Anyone can make a fool of you (as you put it, old guy or young.) the fact that he is DATING you (a VERY young woman) after having been married to an OLDER woman may also be indicative that he IS NOT looking to hook up with his ex-wife. He is obviously wanting a younger partner. Or that he is hoping a younger woman is easier to control. YOU don't know him that well, yet. It's ONLY two months in.
I would NOT go into another discussion over this. I would PRESUME that he as a GROWN ass man KNOWS how to behave when in a relationship. That he knows to set boundaries with his ex-wife.
BE BUSY the weekend he is away, hang out with friends, go see family, have your hair done, go see a movie or whatever, DO NOT "sit by the phone" and wait for him to give you details of his trip.
If he is trustworthy he will know how to behave. And next time he makes that trip... you can BE honest and tell him, it actually makes you uneasy that he stays with his ex-wife. OR you can suggest you go with him!
For now, I'd say give him the room to show you he is worthy of your trust or has enough rope to "hang" himself.
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female
reader, ginalae +, writes (10 April 2018):
ginalae is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Dionne' Yeah he asked me in the most normal an natural way, are you fine that I stay there or not? an my min went blank and I said with not a lot of enthusiasm,:'' I trust you!!, I feel so stupid I should just have said NO! it's not apropriate even if you ''don't do anything'' he told me when he had dropped me off at my house.
I just can fathom the thought of him having to take this trip every now and then, its just not RIGHT. I allow it one an he will keep on going.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2018): It is not that weird he is going to his ex's home, assuming he used to live there, to get some things of his. My parents are divorced and hate each other - but my dad still had plenty of belongings left at our home. It can just be one of those things that happen through divorces. You don't really know what sort of things to take or hold onto until you need them. Especially as the person who is leaving the home probably doesn't want to be responsible for taking and storing a whole collection of stuff that he at one point never anticipated having to organize and move.I also get the sneaking suspicion that you left out the fact he has kids with this woman. Maybe he wants to spend time with his kids and fortunately he and his ex wife still get along. If they don't have kids - then yes, that is really weird and he should look to stay somewhere else.Regardless, you could always be up front about your concerns. But I wouldn't tell him what to do. If his relationship with his ex wife is a problem for you, you may have to consider if this relationship is worth continuing.
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female
reader, Dionee' +, writes (10 April 2018):
Honestly, that's kind of odd and I'm sure that it would make most people uneasy if their partner suggested this. Why can't he stay at a hotel or BnB instead?
I think that you should just be honest with him and tell him that it bothers you. Honesty in a relationship is very important and also; don't say what you don't mean. Whether it's meant to hurt someone or make them feel good, it's never right.
It's also quite early on in your relationship for such things to be coming out. I get that on his end, he probably tried to be transparent but either way, I find it to be very odd. That's just me.
I highly doubt that voicing your opinion/concerns will screw things up unless he is unreasonable and doesn't want to hear you out but it's worth a try. You could suggest that he stay at a hotel.
Your huge age gap may also be something to reconsider because it comes with it's own set of challenges which often prove to be too much for some people at times. I think that it's something that you need to figure out in terms of whether you're prepared to deal with everything that comes with it and such. If you're both committed to making it work then great but if this is your first relationship of this kind then be more observant and tread lightly because over time, the challenges will arise and you need to be ready for them. This is only the beginning.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2018): Good for you for standing up for yourself and telling him exactly how you felt. This is necessary in relationships. Now he knows fully well that if he decides to do something so stupid and thoughtless as to sleep over at his ex's he will damage your relationship or risk you walking away. Are there no hotels in the city????
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