A
female
age
26-29,
*ervousme
writes:Hello all, I am in a relationship with a loving, doting, compassionate father of a two-year old who while is not mine, is a true beam of sunshine and I'd do anything for her. I am twenty, yes--young, was raised without a father and a vague, abusive relationship with my mother. My concern is the recurring saddened feeling I get when he is compassionate toward his daughter, accompanied with the urge to distance myself. While my head is screwed on a bit more tight than others, I understand the compassion and love between children and spouses could never be compared, as well as I would off-myself before putting anybody in the position to explain to me why the love is a different one, much less to make somebody choose. I do my best, or so I think, to include myself in family outings and make her feel as though I am a good friend, somebody she can trust and feel comfortable around. However, I do not understand how to deal with the occasional need to just be alone, when in company of them both. How to free myself of feeling teased with love I have never received at her age, more-or-less ever. I know this is a long one, but I cant afford therapy quite yet and am simply looking for some insight. (One final note, yes I have, and am comfortable voicing my feelings to him, though I don't want to bother him with the same-old bs because it just isn't fading) Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2018): Hi
All the lovely advice you have received is all true, but thought you would benefit from a step Mum of two! I have been in their lives since my youngest was 3 and eldest 7 - we have been married for 3 years now and together 8. It is completely natural to want it have time to yourself, it’s completely normal and good for you to do this as it evaluates your feelings and even helps to create a stronger bond with your partner. Let Daddy and Daughter have time together, but please do spend time with them as a family. His daughter in time will appreciate and love 1 - 1 time, then time as a family. My husband spends time with his children once a week, then we spend time as a family at weekends. It works wonderfully.
Talk to your partner, this is the most important part, but when people tell you the daughter comes first, I think differently - you both come first, but in different ways. You are a team. Take care and what a strong lady you are already.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (11 April 2018):
 Affection is not about deserving it. No one deserves the affection they get. Love is not earned. It is given freely.
of course you can take care of your own needs you have been doing it all your life. Does that mean you should?
Knock those ideas out of your mind. To be in a romantic partner love, you have to receive as well as give.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2018): That your boyfriend is twice your age tends to confirm my suspicion that you're seeking paternal love much more romantic love.
If he only sees his daughter three times per week then you SHOULD back off. Since she is the product of a broken home she needs to be reassured he will always be an active and involved presence in her life and that requires as much one-on-one time as he can give her. At this point your presence as a major figure in her life is intrusive and unnecessary.
You don't say how old baby mama is, but from his end it is quite possible you may not be much more than a cure for his mid-life crisis; he very likely could be looking for reassurance that he is still handsome and attractive and studly and virile, and what better proof is there than having a fawning twenty-year-old on his arm and in his bed?
I feel so sorry for the poor child; nobody seems to considering what's best for HER!!!
...............................
A
female
reader, nervousme +, writes (11 April 2018):
nervousme is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hello all, again :) First, thank you Fatherly Advice and WiseOwlE for your feedback there is not a word I'm not thankful for. WiseOwlE as you put it, "Your family-situation has nothing to with that innocent child. Your boyfriend has no obligation to over-compensate to cater to your insecurity or jealousy." is one-hundred percent correct, and I will remind myself of this from now on. However, my boyfriend did not experience father-hood "so soon" as he is 20 yrs my senior.
Fatherly Advice, the daughter's mother is still very much in the picture, in fact him and I only get to see his beloved for three days per week; thus I'm more focused on being her friend, confidant if you will, because I'd like not to confuse her by playing a maternal role in her life as her mother is busy doing just that. I have tried to become more aware of my feelings during times like this, and have found myself feeling undeserving of his affection, almost as if there isn't enough love to go around, contrasting to what you said (which i 100% agree with), as well as feeling inclined to adopt a "I'm fine I don't need your affection, I can do by myself" attitude. I'm sure this is some form of repression, fear. You have told me very many wise words that I will never forget.
...............................
A
female
reader, nervousme +, writes (11 April 2018):
nervousme is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello all, again :) First, thank you Fatherly Advice and WiseOwlE for your feedback there is not a word I'm not thankful for. WiseOwlE as you put it, "Your family-situation has nothing to with that innocent child. Your boyfriend has no obligation to over-compensate to cater to your insecurity or jealousy." is one-hundred percent correct, and I will remind myself of this from now on. However, my boyfriend did not experience father-hood "so soon" as he is 20 yrs my senior.
Fatherly Advice, the daughter's mother is still very much in the picture, in fact him and I only get to see his beloved for three days per week; thus I'm more focused on being her friend, confidant if you will, because I'd like not to confuse her by playing a maternal role in her life as her mother is busy doing just that. I have tried to become more aware of my feelings during times like this, and have found myself feeling undeserving of his affection, almost as if there isn't enough love to go around, contrasting to what you said (which i 100% agree with), as well as feeling inclined to adopt a "I'm fine I don't need your affection, I can do by myself" attitude. I'm sure this is some form of repression, fear. You have told me very many wise words that I will never forget.
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (10 April 2018):
Part 3 Advice
You are overcome by the emotions of this big complex relationship. You hide away to get some relief from it. But that is not the only reason. You are afraid. You are afraid of emotions you have learned not to trust. You are going to have to take some risks.
1 Tell him about it. You are not bothering him you are being emotionally intimate and trusting him. Some things you need to say are:
-I love to see you interacting with your daughter.
-You are a wonderful father.
2 Show your emotions openly with both of them.
-hugs
-laughter
-tears
-love
3 Sometimes it is OK to ask him to make you feel safe. Cuddling is a common way. Mostly you need to feel his protective love for you, and the good news is most men love to be protective.
The danger here is that you are now an adult and he needs you to be a self sufficient adult most of the time. But even people with much fuller family histories, just need to be protected sometimes. Even guys.
OK that is a ton of information to mull over. Take your time and think it over. I'll be here for questions corrections and clarifications.
FA
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2018): You are really young, so your feelings aren't really that uncommon. They are very understandable.
People aren't usually parents in your age-group by choice; so there may be time before you feel "maternal-instincts" towards children. Being childless yourself, you're not expected to bond with some random kid belonging to someone else.
As long as he is understanding that sometimes you're not comfortable playing a maternal-role to his daughter; but you in-exchange learn to curtail your jealousy. I think that's a fair compromise.
Being teased with love makes no sense. I think he has enough to share between both of you; but she will come first in his life. She absolutely must! She is only a child, and she is totally-dependent on her parents.
You are young and inexperienced; but in comparison, you are not a child. You can use the excuse about being fatherless; but you know right from wrong. You also said you wouldn't make anyone have to choose. Then listen to yourself, and live-up to it. You can leave whenever you please.
Show maturity. Your family-situation has nothing to with that innocent child. Your boyfriend has no obligation to over-compensate to cater to your insecurity or jealousy.
So you have to grow-up and adapt to the situation; before you expect your boyfriend to readjust his feelings, and relinquish his quality-time with his child. Just so you will feel less insecure. I'm sure he understands sometimes you just want to be alone to yourself. Surely there will be times that he does too. Just have a grown-up discussion about it.
It's pretty touchy having discussions relevant to his child; when she is at that critical-age. It's important for him to bond with his daughter. Your timing of meeting each-other is a little inconvenient. Not entirely your fault, he probably didn't plan fatherhood so soon; nor did he expect not to be with the mother of his kid. Yet he wants to date.
He has to learn to balance his responsibilities as a dad, and a boyfriend. You have to tell him what's on your mind. Be honest. No excuses. Have your alone-time; but not to pull-away for the purpose of pouting, because you want all the love to yourself. You don't want to share. Well, she was there first! You jumped-in with both feet in full-knowledge. She wasn't a hidden-surprise.
No one is stopping you from finding your own biological father. You're old enough to do so, if you wanted to.
Before your jealousy turns into a competition for attention, or develops into resentment; consider breaking-up with your boyfriend. He's a father for life! If you want it to work, you have to control your jealousy. Hoping that isn't the true-motivation for wanting to be alone. She has an excuse for behaving like a spoiled-child!
Pulling-away hoping to strain his father-daughter relationship is going to backfire; if that's what you're up to!
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (10 April 2018):
Part 2
In part 1, we laid down an understanding of love so we can talk about the trouble you are having with it. First I want to reassure you that it is not a problem with you loving. You have a desire and ability to love, you need practice and experience.
OK, let's break down your current three way relationship. You are building a second partner love with your boyfriend. This is healthy, it fits both of your needs and life experience. But it has that risk factor in it. When you see him being a great father you are a little bit jealous of the 3rd love he is showing. You have never had that good of that type of love. You want to love him without the doubts and insecurities of second partner love. But, that would not be healthy for you. As your love and trust grows you will not desire this so much. It really is about trust.
Your boyfriend and his daughter have a healthy first love third love relationship. he cares for his needs and she trusts him to keep her safe.
You have a type 4 love for his Daughter, but you would like to make it a type 3. This is a good ambition, but you need to be aware that if you are to have that position in her life you have to give your all to keep her safe and provided for. Eventually she may see you as a type 1 love.
W@ow that's a lot of definition. Now we can get to some dynamics and hopefully some helpful advice. One of the fears children and step families have is that there won't be enough love to go around. Love doesn't work that way. It is a strange math. Love never divides. it always multiplies. For example I have 4 children Each of them get 100% of my love. Not 25% each. I have the same feeling for DD1 as I do for DS4. I also give My wife 100%. That is a lot of 100%s. My love grew as We added each child. When you think about it how could I learn the 4th love if I didn't learn to love many equally?
Now you have some of these step worries. You wonder if you with broken first love, can grow enough third love. The answer is that it multiplies. You will grow enough love for him and her. She will grow enough love for you. He will have plenty of love to go around. it will multiply for all of you. you can love them both with all your heart and still find love for more.
OK Part 3 will have some advice.
FA
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (10 April 2018):
Dear Nervous me,
I was writing a very long and convoluted answer to your question. And I lost it all. Let's hope the second draft comes out better.
Your post is one of the most heart wrenching I have read here. You have very aptly described your feelings and fears and hopes. I think you are still holding back and I will be making some assumptions through out this advice. Don't be mad if I get it wrong, it is a common limitation of this format.
In order to talk with you about the huge feelings you are struggling with, we will need to have a shared understanding of love. Love is hard for you because you haven't got the right experience yet. I'm going to lay it out in a religious format because that is where I am comfortable. I hope you can translate it to fit your understanding.
God teaches us to love. It is the great lesson of life. The first love is the love we have for our parents. It is a selfish love. We love our parents because we trust them to give us what we need and want. We love them because they keep us safe. (your love here is probably a bit unstable because you call your relationship with mom abusive).
The Second love is the love of equals. We seek out a person who can be our partner, We give and receive love and support and gifts equally. We love not just for what we get but also for the ability to give. This love is not as safe as the first love. It requires a shared trust that is sometimes broken.
The third love, is the love we have for our children. We love them when they can give us nothing but affection. We love them and give them every thing they need. This third love is the first selfless love. We tend to protect this love the most. Giving the gift of safety is one of the hallmarks of this love.
Finally if we are lucky we will learn the 4th love. This is love referred to as love your enemies. This is the unconditional selfless love of everyone. Very few of us perfect it.
OK in order to prevent losing this I'm going to submit this part 1 and start a part 2.
FA
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2018): You don't state your boyfriend's age or specify whether you're living together or if he has custody of his daughter, but on the surface this appears to be a classic case of a young woman with daddy issues desperately seeking "the family I always wanted but never had" by latching on to an older man who can serve as both a husband and a father figure to her.
While I feel very sorry that you didn't have positive role models to teach you what it means to be a member of a healthy loving family, I'm concerned that you carry too much baggage to be acting as faux-stepmother to a two-year-old and that her father exercised incredibly poor judgment in bring such a emotionally immature and mentally fragile girl into his daughter's life.
I fear that you will ultimately decide that the only way to compete with a two-year-old for her father's attention is by having a kid of your own, and that is absolutely the worst possible decision you could possibly make. For your and the daughter's sake: Please do not not NOT get pregnant.
That poor little girl has already experienced enough with her home breaking up and unfortunately your presence in her life at this time in your state of mind could be just as detrimental, if not worse.
This is not a good situation for anyone involved. If you are making excuses for not seeking counseling, then for the sake of a defenseless two-year-old I implore you to step back and remove yourself from this girl's life. You are doing her (and yourself) no good.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty Kate  +, writes (10 April 2018):
 I think the feelings you are having when you see him being sweet and kind towards his daughter are based in mild jealousy.
We always think jealousy is such a terrible emotion to be having but it usually stems from being shown something we have lost ourselves or never had. Jealousy is useful if it can teach us something that we might be able to change.
The love between a parent and child is very different to that between two lovers. Having a relationship with someone who has a young child or children is extremely difficult to navigate because you will ALWAYS come second to the children, it is a fact and the younger the children the more acute this will be.
I think when you are seeing those moments of special closeness between your boyfriend and his child, it's making you feel excluded in some way and that is why you are feeling the need to distance yourself.
You use the term 'teased with love' that is an interesting statement. It suggests when you are all together, you see his love for you cannot supposedly be 'matched' with the love he has for his child.
The thing is, you will never experience the same level of love because you are not his child. You missed out on this type of love with your own parents it seems and that is bound to stir up deep emotional pain...your response is to remove yourself which is a natural coping/defense mechanism. It's not wrong to do that, it's actually OK to do that.
We cannot change the past hurts we have had, but we can examine them and reflect on how they have shaped us.
When I was 6 my brother locked me in a tiny closet and it took over 2 hours before my Mother came to rescue me. To this day I have extreme claustrophobia and I could never understand why my Mother could not hear my screams when she was only downstairs, she says she didn't hear me but it made me feel totally abandoned and unloved, of course she had shown me lots of love in my childhood but my mind cannot reconcile with that one traumatic incident, the damage was done.
Try to examine your own feelings and maybe talk to your boyfriend about it. He should not change how he interracts with his child but he can perhaps include you a little more. Sometimes showing extra love to others allows us to replace some of the love we have lost ourself. Acknowledging the damage and reconciling it can help is to no longer be a victim to it.
I hope you reach a happy conclusion.
...............................
|
