A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend has been invited to a wedding without me and his ex will be there. I've fallen out with him about his ex many times because I've found out that he's gone to see her behind my back and lied about it, repeatedly.When I found out that he kept going to see her I also messaged her on Facebook because she knew I was in a relationship with him and didn't really care. She wasn't very pleasant when she responded either and I can't stand her!He has really tried making it up to me about what he did and said because he doesn't have any feelings for her he didn't think he was doing anything wrong. He slept over at her house, he's taken her out for drinks and would chat and talk to her a lot. I can understand that he likes being her friend, I had no problem with them being friends to begin with it's the fact that he lied about sleeping at her house.In the past year he has stopped talking to her and promised he'd never bother with her again but that makes me feel like the selfish bad guy for making him lose a friend he obviously liked being around. He hasn't invited me to his friends wedding because I would be very uncomfortable being in a room with both of them and because it's somebodies wedding day I really wouldn't want to put a dampener on it. He said he'd go in the day and come home before the evening party but again I feel really selfish making him do that.If I let him go all day I think I'd have an absolute meltdown and get really upset but if I make him come home I'd feel terrible too. I really don't like his ex and she knows I don't, she even laughed about him staying at hers. This is ruining our relationship because I feel embarrassed that she'll see him there without me.I've tried splitting up with him over this because as much as I want to be the cool, laid back girlfriend this issue is making me miserable. He doesn't want me to leave him but he gets annoyed if I start getting upset about it all. He keeps telling me that they split up nearly a decade ago, they were seeing each other for 8 years but in his head because of how long ago she's not really an ex any more, just a friend. They don't have children or anything like that together.I guess I just want a bit of advice about how to handle this. Would anybody be upset about this? would you let him go all day? Am I selfish if I ask him to come home before the evening party? Sometimes I'd rather be alone than have to think about it. They were together a very long time ago so should I just drop it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2015): And I suggest your kick his ass to the curb!
I'm sorry,hun, I'm the 1st one to advertise friendships with exes,but this... this is something else, is not a friendship and is not healthy (it sounds like dependency issues and immaturity,tbh)
Point is-you don't have 20 lives to find out what the exact issue is, you only have 1 life,so make sure it is a good one for you.
If you want children and a family one day, I've got the feeling that this fella aint the "one" for all that...
A
female
reader, MSA  +, writes (13 August 2015):
 I suggest you ask him to take you to the wedding. I know you don't feel comfortable going, but you must face it, face his ex. SHOW her that you and him are a couple by going to the wedding together. If he truly loves and respects you, he will bring you to the wedding and show everyone that you are WITH HIM... that him and the ex are only friends.
I honestly believe that this wedding event will be a milestone.
If your boyfriend is uncomfortable bringing you as his guest to this wedding then maybe he shouldn't attend it himself.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 August 2015):
 Remember OP, Jealousy is an emotion that is rooted in insecurity. IF you are not a normally insecure person, then there is something about this relationship your bf and his ex have that sets off your "red flag" radar. TRUST that feeling.
To be honest, I'm of the "no friends with ex" school. Even the ex I have children with, we rarely have contact although when our kids were little we had more contact but it was always concerning the children and/or with the children in tow.
His texting with her or facebooking with her while YOU are with him, clearly says where YOU stand on his priority level and your insecurity is justified.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2015): hi again. yep jealousy is an ugly thing, but from what you are saying his behaviour is appalling. I don't think you have behaved badly....A partner should never put someone in the position he has....and to hear he texts her whilst out having dinner with you?!
Well done at having the insight into this bringing out the worst in you, but don't be too harsh on yourself either as his carrying on in this manner is utterly outrageous.
If you can get shot of him and bear it, good for you- let him carry on with hisnonsense- you never know he may try to be your friend too and yyou'd get a much better deal by the sounds of it! (that was a joke obviously! )
best of luck x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2015): Looking at what I've written and said on here I realise how ugly jealousy is! I don't like being this way, I've tried my hardest to not to be jealous but looking at her accounts and talking the way I do about her I realise it's not bringing the best out in me :( I think most people would feel like I do about this though he doesn't help by putting her down but then clearly being fond of her. He's put bad things in my head about her to begin with anyway. Time to call it a day
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2015): Thanks for taking the time to reply to me. I think deep down I know the wedding isn't the issue but something always seems to come up where she is involved. In response to Tisha, I don't want to go to the wedding, I really don't want to spoil somebody else's day. I don't want to ever be around his ex anyway. I'm just trying to get advice on how to handle him going somewhere that she is.The reason I caused such a big scene about her is because when I've been out on dates with him in the past he's sat there texting her, on Facebook her brother tried adding me as a friend, I don't know, there was always something cropping up to do with her. When I found out he had stayed at her house he showed me the texts she sent and she had invited him. It's always her starting conversations and inviting him places. As far as my past boyfriends are concerned they belong in the past and I don't want to do things with them or go see them. If a woman had messaged me upset I think I would be equally upset and feel bad about it all but she really doesn't. Because I've let jealousy get the better of me I've looked at her facebook account and she's created groups that would make fun of fat people and ugly people posting photos and saying she wants to punch them. I thinks she's quite a nasty person and creating groups like that is a little bit immature when she's 35 years old.Saying that, it's immature me looking at her social media accounts and I hate myself for doing it! So I try not to anymore. My partner is more to blame than her because although he obviously likes her he's told me in the past horrible things about her, he even said he thought she'd turned to prostitution before! I don't think that's true but that shows me he doesn't have much respect for her anyway.I think I should just leave him, not because of the wedding but because of the way he behaves with her. I honestly don't think he goes there to have sex with her, I may be really naïve for thinking that! But I feel like he's treating me like a fool with absolutely no respect.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 August 2015):
 First of all, your boyfriend can't invite you to a wedding if the people having the wedding didn't invite you. That's very rude, to invite someone to a wedding if the bride and groom didn't. So drop that idea from your problem-solving.
Now, on the other hand, if your boyfriend DID receive an "and guest" invitation and he didn't ask you to go with him? BIG problem.
I wonder if he's keeping you away because you've already behaved badly by creating a scene with the ex.
Would you be able to manage to keep your cool and be civil and polite in her presence?
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A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (13 August 2015):
I agree with Rebecca C here; why would he lie about having contact with his ex if nothing was going on between them? I believe that he has been having sex with her and if he has stopped all contact with her now, how does he know for certain that she will be there? Sorry but I wouldnt trust him there with her, in fact I wouldnt trust him full stop.
I understand why you dont like her but keep in mind that why would she have been so rude to your message if he hadnt told her something negative about you? Id he had respected you he wouldnt have had this secretive time with her. You deserve better than this guy. I know you love him but the wedding isnt the issue here. His lack of respect for you is.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2015): Hi. hunny what he is doing and has done here is bang out of order!
you are absolutely NOT being selfish.
I'm not a believer in 'let's be friends' when a serious relationship ends, and 8years is a serious relationship.
she is relishing in the fact he slept at hers....I wouldn't trust that nothing happened by the way, you don't sleep over at an ex's in this manner....'he would take her out for drinks'- really? you shouldn't be trying to be cool about this- it is NOT acceptable.
He for sure should of told her where to go when he found out her reaction to you and what he was doing.
He hasn't invited you to the wedding because he will feel uncomfortable, not you chick. you should insist that you go, because you are his partner and have every right to be there. If not, given his messing up of this whole thing in how he has continued with a' friendship' that rightfully upsets you so much, then he should put how you feel first in regards to being at a social gathering together, and not go.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2015): The only way you will feel comfortable with him going is if you go with him. Put on a united front and go, plus there will be lots of other people at the wedding. Do not let him go alone to calm your nerves
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